"I haven't ever written to a complete stranger before, nor have I ever really told anyone my story, but I'm hoping that maybe opening up and talking about it might help; if not me then others who might read this if it is posted and decide to turn away from bulimia and self harm before it consumes them. Attached are pictures of some of my scars in regards to burning.
I have been struggling with bulimia for nearly 8 years now. I am only 21 years old, almost 22. When I was younger, I started with the mindset that I wanted to be thin like other girls, but as time went on and I eventually became thin it continued. Over the years it had shifted from a yearning to be 'pretty' to a compulsion.
If I don't purge I begin to get anxious. My heart races and I slip into a temporary depression. If you are thinking that you can control it, you are wrong. When I first started I had the mindset that I would only purge when I felt I ate too much, then it drifted to only purging one meal a day. It continued until I was purging everything I ate for several days. I would only stop purging for a day or two when I started seeing blood in my vomit.
When I started I had heard people say that you can't control it, but I thought I was different. I was convinced that -I- Would be different, that -I- would be able to keep hold of the situation, and even when I was at my lowest I was still convinced that I had it under control.
After a few years I was forced to move in with my father and it became very difficult to purge as I had been, but I still managed to purge at least once a day, twice if I was lucky. That continued until I turned 18 and moved into my own house.
My eating disorder stayed the same for some time, managing to keep 'control' and only purge once or twice a day, but I started to gain weight. I slipped so far, purging until there was blood and then continuing but I still kept gaining weight.
Finally I went to the doctor for another medical problem I had, only to find out that I had PCOS and Diabetes. It was because of my untreated diabetes that the little sugar I was taking in to keep my blood sugar up was instantly turning to fat. I then started medication to treat it and the weight melted away.
My eating disorder seemed to 'balance out' once again, until I lost my insurance. Here we are now. I am 'thick' if that is what you want to call it, yet I purge daily. It is 4:42pm, and I have purged 4 times. I get to feel the pain, to struggle with the physical hurt and mental agony of bulimia, and I don't even get the 'benefit' of being thin.
Not only do I purge on a regular basis, I also burn. I prefer burning over cutting. I have several scars on my upper leg and every time I look at them I am disgusted with myself. They are hideous, and yet I continue to burn. It is an endless cycle. I burn because I have power when I burn. I have control of what causes me pain. I know full well that I have no power over this, but when I am in the mind set to burn all of that reasoning goes out the window. I can sit here and tell you right now that it is stupid. There is no point in burning. It doesn't solve any of my problems, it doesn't change the outcome of things, it doesn't make me feel better. I look at my scars and I am disgusted with myself. If anything, it makes my life worse. Yet I know when I slip into that specific state of mind, when something triggers it and I have the urge to burn, everything I just stated becomes void. My mind works against me, and I press the hot blade against my skin. I become both empowered and pathetic at the same time. It doesn't help.
I wish I wasn't the way I am. I wish my head worked right. I don't like being broken. I am disgusted with my appearance, in regards to both my weight and my scars, even though I have a boyfriend that truly does think I am beautiful. I have had strangers tell me I am pretty. Yet when I look in the mirror I see something that isn't there. I see what I really am. A sick girl, that needs help yet refuses it because I fear it. I no longer have control over this.
If you are reading this, if you are considering becoming bulimic or harming yourself because you think that it will help, don't. If you have already started but still have a thread of hope to hang on to, you can still get help. Get out while you can. This isn't a life to live. It doesn't make you happy, it brings nothing but misery and pain into your life. I know the pain this brings. I know what it is like to be hopeless, and I don't want anyone else to suffer. Hopefully someone will see the truth in my words, or will be able to connect in some way and believe me when I say it is not the path to take.
Sincerely,
Chelsea"
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13 comments:
I don't know who you are, but I do know that you are worth too much to do this to yourself. I'm sure I'm not the only one who thinks so. Good luck and God bless, Chelsea.<3
Seek help, please!! Don't be afraid to do so! It's for your own good! God bless <3
Dear Chelsea;
I feel your pain. Having been there myself, I know how you feel. Control slips away, ands its soo scary. Lots of love and peace, Kelsey<3
Hi Chelsea,
I've been to a lot of self-injury websites but none that were written by a burner. Seems like all there is are cutters out there. I hope you see my comment because right this moment I'm working up the courage to burn-all I want to do is burn. Maybe one day I'll be where you are but for now these scars are secret.
Yeah, it sounds weird but us burners gotta stick together. Please keep writing and posting. Love you and all us others,
PJ
Hi Chelsea,
I've been to a lot of self-injury websites but none that were written by a burner. Seems like all there is are cutters out there. I hope you see my comment because right this moment I'm working up the courage to burn-all I want to do is burn. Maybe one day I'll be where you are but for now these scars are secret.
Yeah, it sounds weird but us burners gotta stick together. Please keep writing and posting. Love you and all us others,
PJ
http://www.recoveryourlife.com/
You might find this site more helpful than a blog :)
x
I'm in 9th grade, just getting out of school for the year. I self-harm, and have already been to rehab for 8 days. It didn't work. I still self harm...almost every night. I don't know what to do. Stay strong, beautiful.
I can never say I understand or that it will get better because I can't tell the future and each situation is different due to the ppl involved...but your story brought me to tears ....I'm nearly 27 and I've been dealing with bulimia,anorexia,and self harm for the majority of my life ...i've been dealing with it for 17 yrs ...along with a plethora of other mental illnesses ...I know that feeling of not stopping till you see blood till your throat hurts so bad and you just ..your are addicted to the feeling...it was like being on drugs ...i kept reaching for a high i would never get again...I'm sure i'm rambling but my point is you are not alone...and even if ppl tell you that you are beautiful and i'm surre they mean it you need to see it ...you create your self worth...my hope is that you do. good luck i mean that with all i've got
I can never say I understand or that it will get better because I can't tell the future and each situation is different due to the ppl involved...but your story brought me to tears ....I'm nearly 27 and I've been dealing with bulimia,anorexia,and self harm for the majority of my life ...i've been dealing with it for 17 yrs ...along with a plethora of other mental illnesses ...I know that feeling of not stopping till you see blood till your throat hurts so bad and you just ..your are addicted to the feeling...it was like being on drugs ...i kept reaching for a high i would never get again...I'm sure i'm rambling but my point is you are not alone...and even if ppl tell you that you are beautiful and i'm surre they mean it you need to see it ...you create your self worth...my hope is that you do. good luck i mean that with all i've got
I have suffered with cutting for 5.5 years now, ever since the beginning of 6th grade. I'm 16. Last year, I turned to drugs. I am clean now but I have started to purge. Everything that passes my lips comes back out. I have tried to stop but I find myself loving the way I feel when I'm skinny, when I feel empty. To me, the feelings are one in the same. I lost almost 10 pounds in less than a week. Now, I maintain. I eat enough to ensure that I do not pass out during the day, but I eat a maximum of 600 calories, more often 450-500 a day. I exercise past the point of exhaustion. It feels like there is a drive in me to self-harm in any way. I have burnt in the past, cut, punched myself, punch walls, I almost broke my hand on more than one occasion. I know I'm sick, I'm so messed up. But I'm too scared to ask for help. If I ask for help, then I can't control it. And while the logical part of me knows that I can't control it, I have to get help, the irrational part of me still believes I can gain control again. When I started to read your blog, which I found through Google Images: tattoo quotes on strength, surprisingly enough, a cold wave washed over me and I felt sick to my stomach. I felt like I was reading part of my story. I felt such a connection to a woman I had never met, who is years older than I am, but who feels as I do. Not beautiful, despite the hundreds of assurances that, yes, she is beautiful. Someone who fears the help she desperately craves. Someone like me, when I thought no one truly did. Everyone tells me I'm disgusting and why can't I just stop? Talk about it instead? But they don't get it. They don't get that I depend on it, I *can't* stop. Not without help, which I am too scared to ask for. Not that I haven't in the past. But in the past, I get grounded. That's the help I get. No true help. And they don't even know all that's happened. They know about the cutting and the marijuana (not physically, but mentally addictive. specially when you smoke 3, 4, 5, and more large bowls a day.). I'm too scared to tell them though. But thank you for helping me realize I'm not the only one out there and I wish you luck on your road to recovery.
I've been at every end of the spectrum. Bulimia and anorexia, thin and fat, cutting and dermatillomania. And as someone who started off as a restricting anorexic and reached a dangerously low body weight only to go on and develop bulimia and gain weight, I understand that deep, severe pain that comes with knowing that you are still suffering from your disorder without the pay-off of being thin, and that people now think you're fine, but inside, you're still screaming for help.
I also have PCOS. Mine started right at puberty, and the unexplainable weight gain and hirsutism and acne that came with it was probably one of the many factors that led to my becoming anorexic at 17. I started as a restricting anorexic, and as I lost weight, all the symptoms of my PCOS improved. I eventually became bulimic and was chew spitting a lot. As soon as I began binging and purging, I noticed the symptoms coming back. The weight didn't come on until later, because I was still eating very little and purging whatever I did eat, but I started developing the acne and facial hair again. I couldn't understand why. My weight was still very low, and obesity is one trigger for PCOS, so why was I having symptoms again? Eventually, the weight went up and I watched with horror as my body betrayed me again in a new way.
I am a medical student, and now realize that bulimia is a STRONG trigger for the development of insulin resistance, which leads to PCOS and weight gain. Whenever we sit down to eat, even if we just see or smell food, before the food even enters our stomach, our pancreas starts secreting insulin in anticipation--the cephalic phase of insulin secretion. When you binge multiple times a day, your pancreas keeps pumping out more and more insulin, and even though you are puking the food back up, you end up with high levels of insulin in your blood. Eventually, your body stops responding to it--that is insulin resistance.
I'm glad you got treatment for PCOS, and are seeing resolution of symptoms. I know it's hard to break the cycle of binging and purging, but this realization was one of the things that helped me quit chewing and spitting and binging.
I'm hoping this information--that you could actually lose weight and reverse/improve PCOS by recovering from bulimia--could be another drop in the bucket of determination and motivation we need to fight these disorders that have such a tight hold on us.
sounds like my own life. 10th grader.... my arms soo torn up..... carved the word monster into my leg.....
Sound just like me.. feel like the damage is done its been 16 yrs for me its like a constant battle with my self well my brain. I wish you luck and a healthy future I believe in you. you CAN beat this!!! Xxxxxxxxx
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