Argy"hello .. I'm from mexico and I've read your blog is very good ... I'd like to share my story, my day to day with this monster that lives inside of me for over 8 years ... I have anorexia nervosa and my struggle is every day .. only the only thing I want is to disappear sometimes, I have lost the illusion of life, my life revolves around the damn food, calories, the scale, and my obsession for my bones ...
I currently weigh 31 kilos (68 pounds) but I can not see me as I have become .. I can not take some food to the mouth without wanting to vomit ... all I can afford is a cucumber and green tea .. and sometimes some orange juice ... but I feel good total to fast only with green tea or cucumber ...can not stand the idea of raising an ounce, I like myself against the thickness of my arms, my legs and feel every bone in your body ... if that's not I'm losing, fatal ...
my psychiatrist is treating me for 2 years but not able to do much ... I used to my meds that have helped me for insomnia, depression and suicide attempts my .. but sometimes I do not know if it is worth all this .. I have 23 years this year I finished college and graduated as a lawyer ... but that's not something that motivates me.
Now I'll tell you a bit more about me ... or rather the ways I see things today ..
I think people believe that not to hurt them or to punish them for something, it just has to do with me ... is that now is the time when I say "eat normally" but not so easy. The most absurd thing is that I myself realize how silly I am and how much risk you run. But the temptation to be thin and not eating it too.
When my stomach is empty I feel powerful. I do not want, but my disgust for food is greater than my sanity. I try to eat each day to leave behind something solid and fasting on liquids only, but I find it difficult because I've been very strict with myself. I feel terrible if as much. It's too abrupt a change for my head to eat anything to eat something, to gain or lose weight in any case, no weight loss and weight maintenance. I have yet the panic of any food that is not healthy for me. As I taste something that is not well, something that could make me gain weight I panic and I can not swallow it or just run to vomit ..
Now I'll tell you a bit more about me ... or rather the ways I see things today ..
I think people believe that not to hurt them or to punish them for something, it just has to do with me ... is that now is the time when I say "eat normally" but not so easy. The most absurd thing is that I myself realize how silly I am and how much risk you run. But the temptation to be thin and not eating it too.
When my stomach is empty I feel powerful. I do not want, but my disgust for food is greater than my sanity. I try to eat each day to leave behind something solid and fasting on liquids only, but I find it difficult because I've been very strict with myself. I feel terrible if as much. It's too abrupt a change for my head to eat anything to eat something, to gain or lose weight in any case, no weight loss and weight maintenance. I have yet the panic of any food that is not healthy for me. As I taste something that is not well, something that could make me gain weight I panic and I can not swallow it or just run to vomit ..
And the look and feel so small every part of the body can achieve in my inexplicable complacency during this time so I can love my body, which is illogical in some way.
I feel pressure in my house, my family expects a lot from me, and I am sorry to disappoint and make every effort to understand me and help me. I find it very silly of me. Life would be nicer if eaten as it should, but is that simply I can not. It's stronger than me.
And then another thing: If I weigh myself and the scale scores less than last time I'm relieved and I would eat a little. It is therefore a necessity, not a weak pleasure. The food has slowly invaded my life and be a secondary aspect has become paramount. I dominate, I hate it.
I feel pressure in my house, my family expects a lot from me, and I am sorry to disappoint and make every effort to understand me and help me. I find it very silly of me. Life would be nicer if eaten as it should, but is that simply I can not. It's stronger than me.
And then another thing: If I weigh myself and the scale scores less than last time I'm relieved and I would eat a little. It is therefore a necessity, not a weak pleasure. The food has slowly invaded my life and be a secondary aspect has become paramount. I dominate, I hate it.
I'm broken in two: on the one hand I feel guilty about eating too little and throw the food but the other party is stronger, I dominate. If I've gone legit I'm clever ... I'm going crazy. Flatter me so much that people tell me how thin I am and how bad I see it is strange but affirm that way things are going as I want.
~ Argy"
~ Argy"
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peace and love cure anorexia/bulimia.
I have also been hunted by this disease for nearly 40 years. I will turn 50 in July.
I know, for me, this control over the food 'I do not eat', is a way of giving myself athority over something. I was made to feel so ath the mercy of my fathers anger and rage as a child and I believe that, injured my soul. I have spent my entire life trying to over come the rejection and fear. So, I starve myself as if it were my bodies fault? There is no logic to this disease, it is like running on a hamster wheel and there is no end and no cure, none. The break in the soul is too deep and too raw. Food is feul only, there is no pleasure in food- it is what it is; hard to swallow.
(((Anonymous)))
My heart breaks that you've suffered so much.
As a mother of a bulimic i am at my wits end in things to do to stop my daughter from doing this,at the moment she is relaping and its breaking my heart. she is seeing a phsycologist,but if i am honest i feel like its doing nothing.she is married with 2 children aged 12 and 8 and has a wonderful husband,who is finding it very difficult to understand her,and gets very angry at times.i am so scared this is going to rub off on her daughters. please,please can someone give me some advice. this has been happening since her teens and she is now in her 30s
Anonymous, I am so sorry to hear of your daughter's struggle and what you're going through.
I'd encourage you to join We Bite Back (www.webiteback.com) There is a wonderful forum at that site. Many of the members of the forum have recovered and may be able to offer you advice on what you can do to help your daughter.
I'd also suggest you contact Arielle Bair. Arielle has recovered from anorexia and bulimia. She also has her own blog and invites anyone who is struggling to contact her directly (http://tearstowords.blogspot.com).
I hope you receive the assistance you need.
She must be really short. Did she say how tall she was?
Emmy, Argy didn't mention how tall she is. Maybe she will respond here in the comment section to your question.
Emmy hi ... I misunderstood what you mean, if I think about is you wanted to know my height? I measure 1.58, I am a bit low .. I hope you are well greetings ..
medusa greetings .. Argy fondly.
MEDUSSA HELLOOO.·· hope you are well, I tell you I've been a bit worse than to contact you again ... my weight down even more and my body start to feel different ... if I'm not really crazy but something is is happening ... as if encongiendome .. not really find words to explain it ... but nevertheless I continue with my day to day and with that distant light of hope that can stay to keep going ... ARGY with all my love ..
(((Argy)))
I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling. Try to keep strong!
Hugs,
Medusa
hello i ve been shocked by all these true stories
ARGY!!! :you are a very beautiful girl you have a beautiful face and i am sure that if your body was in a normal weight you would have been a very happy and atractive woman..
i understant without being an expert that the real problem is that u don t have confidence...
u must say to yourself that u decerve to be atractive!! YOU DECERVE TO BE HEALTHY..
This story saddens me and I do not think that you should have allowed this post up on your site. I struggle in the recovery from bulimia and anorexia and I feel we should encourage one another, not make and post stories of encouragement. This girl is obviously not accomplishing anything or seems to be trying to.
Nicolina, you say "This girl is obviously not accomplishing anything or seems to be trying to."
You have made assumptions about Argy which are not only unfair but inaccurate.
As Argy said in her comment on June 13th:
"...I continue with my day to day and with that distant light of hope that can stay to keep going."
~ Medusa
My implication that Argy is not making progress is from the pictures. I know just as well as anyone who has suffered from anorexia, the "want" and the "will" to recover, however I also know that the control issues are still there. When someone is that underweight (as I have been) you have to make the conscious decision to just DO IT and start eating. I'm not saying to shovel carbs and sweets down your throat, but began by eating at least 3 tiny meals and add oils and calorie dense foods so that you are adding calories/good fats w/o the bulk of it being in your stomach. I know a lot of people "say" they want to change, but most of them hang on to that control and would rather be skinny and are not ready for the fact they might gain a little weight. Just seemed to me that Argy doesn't seem ready, and posting pics of herself as if she's proud of her thinness. I'm not trying to be prudent or self-righteous, believe me, my heart aches for her because I was there too; and I still battle those everyday demons. Thank you for being understand of both sides of the story:)
Nicolina, thank you for writing again.
I now understand what you were implying in your previous comment.
There is much truth in what you write. I dearly hope Argy still sees that distant light at the end of the tunnel.
Best wishes to you in your recovery, Nicolina. Keep strong.
~Medusa
You are wrong beautiful the greatest power or control is to be able to eat the food. Enjoy it taste it love it. When you feel the way you describe is when you have no control. Death has control over you and your body telling you the lies. I have been there I know...
So true, I think it is important that we all keep in mind that it is a daily struggle for people with ED in any stage, even recovery. Even at a healthy size seven I struggle everyday not to fall back into old patterns. It is a compulsive addiction and those who do recover continue to fight for the rest of their lives....
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