SARAHLYNN'S STORY: "MY MOM DIED A FEW MONTHS AGO FROM COMPLICATIONS FROM HER ANOREXIA"

"Sarahlynn's Mom"

From Sarahlynn:

"I've been reading your blog off and on for a while now, and I just wanted to say how pleased I am. It shows the reality of eating disorders to its readers - whether or not they listen.

I wonder if you've done any reading/gotten any stories about sufferers with generational links? I've always wondered about that, and you seem to have almost Too Much Information about these types of subjects! You see, my mom died a few months ago from complications from her anorexia (extreme hypoglycemia leading to coma and brain death) - and I too have suffered from anorexia and bulimia (at different stages in my life) for the last 13 years (I'm 21).

I'm not sure if I just want to know that there are others out there going through what I am or just want to tell someone who realizes what a Big Deal it is. Heh. That, hem, my only way of coping with grief is an eating disorder, but I dually know better than almost anyone how dangerous-deadly they are - and don't want to follow my Mom. *shrugs*

I just wanted to know if you've written anything about it, I guess - you've got so much on your blog it's sometimes hard to navigate. And fair heartbreaking in the meantime. Sometimes it hurts to read about these things - but sometimes you feel alone, you know?

Thank you!
Sarah"

Coincidentally, the day before I received Sarahlynn's email, I had posted VICKI'S STORY: "MY MUM DIED LAST WEEK. ED TOOK EVERYTHING FROM HER."

I wrote Sarahlynn back, telling her about Vicki's story, and then received this follow-up e-mail from Sarahlynn, which she has given me permission to post:

"That post was incredibly timely. I have been incredibly overwhelmed with Missing Mom the last week or so, and so my urge to recover has been... well, backsliding.

Sometimes it seems easier to engage in my behaviors than to actually feel the pain of loss. And You feel so alone, because I have never met another person who has lost a parent to an eating disorder - let alone one who also has one themselves. Though I've always assumed they must be out there: eating disorders KILL. And they don't always or necessarily USUALLY kill the young, new sufferers - wouldn't it be far more likely that the ones most likely to die would be the ones who had been suffering for decades (and probably had children and families at that point)? The damage they'd done to their bodies alone...

When my Mom died, she weighed something like 80 pounds (at 5'6). She didn't keep a journal, per se, but she has notebooks of everything she's ever eaten and every weight, going back years and years. I haven't reached the end of them yet: sometimes it is incredibly triggering to read my Mom's food-journals.

She had no teeth - they'd all rotted away. She'd gotten dentures a few months before, and was SO pleased. She'd been embarrassed of her teeth for so long that having dentures - and a real smile - made her grin constantly. She was going blind - she was, more than anorexic, a diabulimic.

Diabetic since childhood, she abused her insulin side by side with her eating disorder - it only killed her faster. She looked twenty years - at least - older than her 48. She had a hunchback, a result of premature osteoporosis. Her kidneys were failing. She had very little hair - on her head. She looked disgusting, and said when we'd visit "Oh, I look so ugly!" and I'd feel obligated to retort "No you don't, you look fine!" - even though she had the appearance of death warmed over.

Thank you for posting about Vikki - my heart goes out to her. Grief is still heavy for me right now - but remembering how it was in August... it was even harder, to get through that first bit.

I also wrote a blog-entry about my Mom, Grief, if any of it helps. The post has more photos. I think it would help to feel less alone, if I found others with similar experiences.

Again, thank you so much for your site: I hope you realize how much it helps. Hell, for me, when I get too stuck in my eating disorder I have gone to look at your blog - mostly because it reminds me of my Mom - in your photos of Chronic Anorexics, I see her.

I hope you, too, are well, and Working on Recovery.

Best,
Sarahlynn"

(((Sarahlynn)))

Please take a moment to read Sarahlynn's blog ...

Not doing this anymore

and her post about her Mom entitled "Grief" (see link above).

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LARISSA'S STORY: "IT'S SO MUCH EASIER TO FALL INTO AN EATING DISORDER THAN TO GET BACK OUT AGAIN"

Larissa at 100 pounds

"I am 15 and from London. I thought I'd share my story with you just because I've never shared it with anyone.

I've had anorexia/bulimia for 2 years. It all started simply because of a special k diet, and once I realised this, I was so alarmed by how easily I fell into the cruel world I'm now stuck in.

I was overweight (185lbs at 5'2) and decided I'd go on the diet just for fun with a friend to lose a few pounds. I lost 7lbs in 2 weeks and I was ecstatic. So when my friend had finished she just simply continued on with normal eating, whereas I carried on. It was nothing severe at first, just watching what I ate, everything healthy.

Then by spring 2009 I was eating around 1200 calories and becoming obsessed with exercise. It stayed like that for a few months, until around May I was eating 1000 calories a day with 3 solid hours of exercise. I thought there was nothing wrong with me. I remember not letting myself sleep until I'd done exactly 180 minutes of jogging on the spot, the exact same spot in my room with my ipod on. I'd create playlists that would add up to this time and just jog and jog and jog.

"Me before at about 140lbs (after around 45lbs weightloss)"

Over the summer holidays, it became worse. I was out all the time and eating on the go or not at all, you could say. I went back to school in September and everyone was staring at me and asking me if I was okay but I couldn't understand why. I wasn't underweight, just the change was so quick. I still thought I was fine.

By October I was eating around 500 calories a day, still with my exercise, and then mid-way through October I got ill with a stomach bug. I was so happy. It was just a quick fix for losing weight. I didn't even need my appetite suppressants. I lost 10lbs in a week.

When I went back to school, my form tutor took me to the side and had a talk with me. She knew what was going on. She had dealt with it in her previous schools. I didn't know what to do. I screamed and cried for hours in her classroom about the fact someone knew about my secret. It's something you never want anyone to find out ever. So she urged me to go to the doctors and I did.

It had now taken me 18 months to accept I had a problem. I had my appointment the first day of the October half term, and I was so scared that I began eating up to 8000 calories a day and just throwing it all back up again. Even after the appointment, it carried on all week. I just couldn't stop.

Then I found laxatives. I started off just taking the recommended dose of 2 and would only take them after binges. I lost all the weight I gained from the binging and purging then went back to my restricting in November. I now weighed about 100lbs at 5'4.

I got referred to Maudsley Eating Disorders Clinic in London in November, but my appointment wasn't until December. So I did all I could to lose as much weight as possible between that time. I was taking about 20 laxatives a day and eating around 200 calories a day. I felt physically dead but I was euphoric about the weight just falling off of me. I'd cling onto my own collar bones obsessively and measure my wrists constantly to make sure they were still small enough. Anyone would think I would want to be heavier for my first weighing, but I just felt I needed to deserve the treatment so I had to be as skinny as possible. By the time I'd gone there, I'd lost a further 10-20lbs and I was emaciated. I still thought I was fat.

"Picture of my stomach after the 8000 calorie binge that lead to me attempting suicide"

I continued losing weight even attending appointments and I was about a pound away from being hospitalised. Then at Christmas I just got so hungry I started eating everything I could see for about 2 weeks. I hated myself for it and attempted suicide twice and self-harmed constantly.

3 months later, and my weight is stable, but I am not. I now weigh 120lbs at 5'4, but my relapses are all too regular.

I think I’m writing this just to show people that it is so much easier to fall into an eating disorder than to get back out again. I was expecting all my psychologists just to wave a magic wand and I'd be able to eat again, but it's far from that. I wouldn't wish an eating disorder on my worst enemy, so it pains me to hear people around me talking about how much they want to be thin. It's not worth it.

Even though I know eating disorders aren't solely around wanting to be thin and fit in a size 0, there's so much more to them, but that's how it starts. Losing weight won’t make your life better. I thought it would mine and it's done completely the opposite.

"Current [picture] of me"

So if this does get published, I urge anyone reading this who thinks that being thin is the answer to please re-think it, and try and live as happy a life as you can. I can't comment on recovery yet, as I'm still far from being able to call myself recovered, but I'll let you know how it goes.

Much Love, L x”

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THE SHOCKING FACE OF ANOREXIA & BULIMIA...KARLENE REFLECTS ON HER LIFE & HER REGRETS [UPDATED APRIL 28, 2010]

Karlene (November 25/08)

UPDATE (April 28, 2010):

"Reflecting on my life...and on my regrets"

(Apr. 18th, 2010 at 5:48 PM)

"I have deleted many of my user pics, as I have come to realize I do NOT want my journal to resemble a "pro anorexia" site. They were pics of a way-too-thin, emactiated body, a reflection of a VERY sick mind! I didn't want girls to see those pictures and say "wow, I wish I looked like that". NO you don't!! It is a very very painful existance! A slow torturous form of suicide.

Some of you may have read my last journal entry about my emergency surgery last month in which they took out most (anywhere from about 16-22 ft;. more than 80%) of my small intestine. It was twisted and dead and I was not expected to survive it. But I did. ((only about 5-10% survive such a catorstrophic illness...and that is for someone who is healthy...not a severely malnourished underweight anorexic with a BMI of under 13!)).

I think maybe it would have been better had I not survived it, bc now I am suffering from daily bouts of severe profuse watery diarrhea, pain, and nausea. And will continue to suffer from complications as a result of such a radical procedure. I use a feeding tube for extra nourishment, but since the small intestine is where you get most of your food's nutrients from, my body is unable to absorb most of my calories I take in and my weight continues to fall.

I have to enter the hospital about once or twice a month. I lay in my hospital bed I now have inside my apartment, day after day, barely able to get up to do even the smallest tasks, while life goes on without me in it. My condition is deteriorating and I fear I will no longer be able to live alone (I do have a home health aide that comes to help take care of me about 4-5 hours a day).

I regret my decision to go on that diet almost 24 years ago, more than you will ever know! I didn't even really consider it a "diet". I wasn't on a quest for thinness (until the monster had a tight grip on me). I just cut back on some things so I could compete better in cross country. I thought it was such a harmless thing to do at the time. But I have that personality (low self esteem, perfectionist, people-pleaser; along with some past childhood traumatic events) that, mixed with intentional weight loss, was a recipe for disaster!!

Yes, I still have that anorexic voice inside my head that punishes me on a daily basis, telling me that I am really not that skinny. But my existance is so increasingly painful, I just want to feel better, and to spend as much time with my family as possible..what little may be left. I hate to see the pained expression on my family's face when they see me wasting away and slowly disappearing before their eyes. I can't imagine how they feel. The pain and guilt of what I have put them through washes over me, stabbing me like a thousand knives every single day, every single night. I have put them thru SO much!! I constantly shower my nieces and nephews with hugs and kisses and continually tell my family I love them, for I do not know how much longer I have on this earth. God has spared me for some reason or another, for I should have died from my disease long ago, especially after this last surgery.

Once your bowel has died, and much of it removed, it is very unlikely you will recover, let alone SURVIVE such a tragic rare event, especially when you are so sick to begin with! I honestly don't know how I survived it and I continue to baffle my doctors. All I I can say is God touched me that night and performed a miracle. There is just no other explaination for it.

I just hope and pray that my family forgives me. And when my life is over, they are able to handle the loss of me. I miss them already! But I will be watching from above (hopefully God will accept me to be with Him in Heaven). I hope my family knows I will forever exist in their hearts and never be far from them. I hope my nieces and nephews remember me as a very loving aunt who absolutely adored them, not as a very ill person who was too weak to play with them. I fear they will forget me.

If you are suffering from an ED (and happen to still be reading this very lengthy entry), please seek help. The sooner the better. PLEASE don't let your illness rob you of life. I know it is easy to think that death may be easier than living thru the HELL of an eating disorder, but not everyone with EDs die peacefully in their sleep. It can be a VERY SLOW AND VERY VERY DRAWN-OUT EXTREMELY PAINFUL death!!! I hope I have somehow, some way, helped at least one person take that road to RECOVERY!!

God Bless You All~
Karlene"

(((Karlene)))

Your poignant and heartfelt posts have helped so many face the truth about their own eating disorders. So many owe you so much, including me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for having allowed me to share with others your battle...which I pray you will win.

I hope and pray you will continue to confound the medical experts, and regain your health.

Sending much love your way,

Medusa
xoxoxo

UPDATE (October 16, 2009):

"Oh, I just want peace!!!

My nausea is worse than ever. It used to be really bad at night, but now it is ALL the time!! It's like being sea-sick, only 100 times worse!!

Beware, the following is kind of gross: I have been having very watery diarrhea, and vomiting this greenish yellowish stuff that is absolutely disgusting!! Anything I put in my stomach goes nowhere. I look like one of these camodia kids with stick-like arms and legs, and this huge distended gut! I am in absolute misery!!

My doctor put me on some different kind of anti-nausea medicine today and I am supposed to let him know if it works or not by Monday. If not, he wants me to go to the hospital (the bigger one in Topeka) so they can put a PICC line in and give me meds. That is the only way they can get an IV. But I am afraid they (at the hospital) will just brush me off, saying "if you would just eat..." blah, blah, blah. Right, if it were that easy, there would be no such thing as an eating disorder. They don't understand the agony I am in and how it is so much more complicated than that.

I finally got an appointment set up with a GI doc in Topeka (but not until Nov. 2) who specializes in digestive disorders. My gut is so messed up and I have 2 ulcers and a hiatal hernia, plus an esophagus that is so scarred and so messed up from all of the years of purging. They said my esophagus could bleed out and my ulcers too. I am just feeling really badly tonight...everything hurts, and the nausea is beyond agonizing!

As I have said before, the hospital that is more able to treat me is about 35 miles away. I can't take an ambulance bc it would cost a fortune and my family just has too much going on to have them take me, so I am kind of in a rut. Our hospital here is just too small to deal with my complicated case. Plus my last ambulance ride there (which is about a mile away) cost me almost $600 which Medicare says they won't pay for bc they said it was not medically necessary! Are they kidding me?!

I just don't know how much longer I can hold on! I know I am dehydrated and my potassium is low bc I have those painful muscle cramps in the arches of my feet that last for hours!!! I am also having heart palpitations and chest pains.

I don't know what to do or where to go!!! I am so tired!! So weak! Everything is such an effort! It even hurts to walk and stand upright! Most of the time, I have to lean against the wall to steady myself and sit down to keep from fainting. Sometimes it's too late and I find myself on the floor. I've lost count of how many bumps and bruises I've found on my body from falling.

Please pray for my family bc I know it has to be so hard on them to see me this way or to lose me from this disease, although I think we are all preparing ourselves for that day. I am more worried about them than I am myself. The pain I have caused them for over 23 years, I could never ever say how very sorry I am for that! There aren't the words to describe the shame and guilt I feel. I just pray they, and God, forgives me!! I love them all so much. I also love all of you out there who are keeping me in your thoughts and prayers! Thank you so much!!

Mood: confused"

(((Karlene))) I am so, so sorry you're suffering so. I just wish there was something someone could do to take away your constant pain. Sending love and hugs your way...


UPDATE (September 24, 2009):

"Home after another painful hospitalization

Sep. 24th, 2009 at 6:31 PM

Just wanted to let my loyal and avid readers know I just got home from another hospitalization.

I saw it coming and tried putting it off, but the pain and nausea was just too bad. I couldn't even stand up.

So on Tuesday eve. I called 911 and they admitted me, putting in another NG tube (those are so incredibly painful!) up the nose and into the stomach. It took 4 nurses, at least 20 needle sticks, and 2 hours to get a vein for an IV. At one time I had a nurse on each arm trying to get one. Even after all that, they finally got one, but it only lasted a couple of hours and "blew out"! My veins are so scarred and so bad from all the IVs I've had. Plus I was extremely dehydrated. They were going to use an ankle vein, but they had to get drs. orders for that and he said "no."

So I had to endure painful frequent Morphine and Phenegren (anti-nausea med) injections in the butt (which is seriously just wrinkled skin)!! I literally have no fat anywhere, so they had a hard time with that too.

The x-rays showed my bowels had stop working. They didn't really get any gunk sucked out of my gut because they think whatever is in my stomach that won't digest (I don't ingest that much anyway), is trapped further down from the stomach, but not in my bowels yet (there can be stuff in there from weeks, even months!). My doctor told me that if/when this happens again, I should be taken to Stormont Vail in Topeka (about 35 miles from here, but a much bigger hospital to go to for serious cases)where they can put in a PICC line (a kind of surgical procedure where the central line is put in the inside of your upper arm and threaded through just above your heart. ((I live in a small town, so the hospital here doesn't do PICC lines)). That way they can just use my PICC line for IVs, meds, blood draws, and anything else they need, and I wouldn't have to endure HOURS of poking and proding!!

So....that's the latest. Thank you so much to all of you keeping me in your thoughts and prayers and sending me some of the most thoughtful loving caring responses I get. Reading them literally makes my day!! My Love and Appreciation to all!!!

~~Karlene

Mood: weak"

Oh, Karlene, it pains me so to read of your suffering. You have been through so much. Please know you are in my thoughts. Sending hugs and love your way...

~Medusa

UPDATE (September 22, 2009):

Karlene posted the following update in her journal on September 22, 2009:

"I am feeling a little blue tonight (I'm sure most of it is due to my malnutrition and SEVERE insomnia) and in a lot of pain. And incredibly nauseous!!! Sometimes when it gets bad, I throw up (NOT on purpose!) and have dry heaves since I don't have much in my stomach. Plus I have Restless Leg Syndrome and anyone who has experienced this know how very uncomfortable it is!

I am also having terrible, very painful, muscle cramps/spasms in the arches of my feet! My two middle toes curl up and the others curl down! SO PAINFUL! I know it's due to my low potassium.

I don't know how much longer I can hang on. I'm so tired. This disease is so very very cruel!! It takes so much from you and leaves you in PROLONGED, NEVER-ENDING AGONY!! Despite what people may believe, most people with eating disorders don't just die peacefully in their sleep. It's 24/7 HELL!!

I've been dealing with this physical and emotional pain for 23 years!! I have seriously looked death in the face many times. My doctor says I should have died long ago. Being at my worst now, he is truly amazed I am still alive.

My family has had to watch me slowly fade away. I hate what I have done to them!! The guilt and shame I feel is unbearable!! It literally pierces my heart!! I miss my niece and nephews. Though I live close to them, there are so many times I am just too sick or too weak to visit.

I love to hold my 2-month-old nephew and snuggle with him. I love to hold him and just stare at him for hours (many times with tears in my eyes, knowing it is highly possible I won't live to see him--or any of them--grow up). He's starting to smile and coo and it melts my heart when he just stares back at me with that wonderful adorable smile. I usually will then go home (driven by my parents since I don't drive anymore) and take my pain medication (which is beginning to not have very much of an effect anymore).

I hope and pray I don't have to call 911 tonight and have to get that NG tube rammed up my nose, but I am so miserable right now, that may be my only option. I don't know what to do. I've got to close.

Mood: PAIN"

(((Karlene)))


UPDATE (February 7, 2009):

I hadn't heard from Karlene in a long while, and was so worried. I contacted her and, with her permission, am re-posting here the e-mail she sent me on February 7th, 2009:

"I am so very sorry I have been out of touch for so long. I have had an extremely difficult past month. It started with a car accident. I passed out at the wheel. I have absolutely no recollection of the event. I just thank God I didn't hurt anyone else. Apparently I was driving downtown and went into the other lane and hit (and totalled) three parked cars, including my own. Of course they gave me a breathalyzer test bc they thought I was drunk. Anyway it just got worse from there.
I had two bad bouts with intestinal blockage. Having the huge NG tube rammed up my nose was the worst of it. My stomach and insides are so very messed up from all the years of abuse I put it through. I can no longer drive, not only bc my car was totalled, but bc I am just too weak and my dr. won't let me.

I am now going through having terrible sores all over my body: bed sores, blisters, bruises, skin break-downs just from being so thin and having my bones jutting through my skin. It is now even painful for me to even walk! I think I have stress fractures on my heels and bottom of my feet. I have no padding there.

It is very painful for me to sit too and I have this really bad sore on my butt bone and the left underside of my "cheek." It looks terrible. I also have sores inside my mouth and on my tongue. I am literally falling apart. Everything is such a struggle. Anyway, thank you so much for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers. I will try to do better at keeping you up to date.

Love and hugs,
Karlene"


I wept when I read Karlene's e-mail. She has been suffering for so long from the ravages of anorexia. How on earth did this happen to such a lovely, caring, intelligent, thoughtful person?

Karlene wants to share her story as a warning to others that anorexia, bulimia and other eating disorders are deadly, and I am honoured and priviledged that she has allowed me to do that for her.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Karlene. Sending much love your way...

~ Medusa

~~~~~~~~~

My post from November 25, 2008:

KARLENE, MY HEART IS BREAKING...

Karlene (November 25/08)

Fifteen minutes ago, I checked Karlene's journal to see if she had updated. She has been in hospital since Halloween and I've been so worried about her. When I saw her photo I cried.

Oh, Karlene, I don't know what to say. I am heartbroken for you.

Here is Karlene's post from today (Tuesday, November 25/08):

"Sunken Eyes

I am sorry I have not kept up with this "diary." I'm just so tired and out of beath! My weight is fluctuating between 69 and 70 pounds. Although I think I look gross as in terms of thinness, I want my weight to go lower. That is SICK, I know!! It's not even about looking skinny anymore. It's more about disappearing! I'm consumed with guilt and shame and just want to float away.

I see my doc on the 1st of December. We will talk about the gastric pacemaker. I don't know if he will go for it or not because everyone doesn't think I'll make it through the surgery.

Oh, how I hurt: physically and emotionally!! I sleep ALL the time now and am "out of it" half the time. I do and say things I don't even remember doing or saying.

Thank you for thinking of me and praying for me and my family!! So many of you are so very sweet to me and that means SO MUCH! I love you all~~~~~

Mood: nauseated"

Karlene (November 10/08)

For those of you who may be unaware, Karlene has asked me to share her story with others who are suffering from anorexia in the hope that they will seek help before it's too late.

Please visit Karlene's journal and send her some love:

Chronic Anorexic


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My post from November 10, 2008:

THE SHOCKING FACE OF ANOREXIA & BULIMIA...KARLENE IS IN HOSPITAL (NOVEMBER 10, 2008)

Karlene with NG tube

Karlene in hospital on November 10, 2008

Karlene on Sept. 28/08 - 72.9 pounds

"This is what happens as a result of purging. I've been wearing partial dentures for over 10 yrs. now. It can happen quickly and is VERY PAINFUL!!"

"76 lbs.--STILL :( BMI of 13.0, whichh is good) STILL NO LOW ENOUGH! I'm so incredibly TIRED, DIZZY, and OUT OF BREATH! Sometimes I really this "this is it, I just hope I don't go to HEll!!!!!!"

~~~~~~~~~~

UPDATE #13 (November 10, 2008)

"Update--Nov. 10, '08

Nov. 10th, 2008 at 6:28 PM

I have been in the hospital for the past couple of weeks. My parents had to take me to the ER Halloween morning. I was having severe stomach pains and couldn't even stand up. Many painful tests were performed and it was concluded that I had some type of intestinal blockage. They stuck a huge NG tube up my nose and got out 2 liters of fluid and gunk from my stomach. I hadn't had a BM in almost 3 weeks (altho I'm not eating much). I was in such awful pain!!

My weight is continuing to fall. I now weigh barely 72 lbs. I cannot even care for myself. My skin is turning an ugly yellowish color. I honestly don't know how I am still alive. My doctors suggested a Gastric Pacemaker be placed in my stomach bc my digestive system is so very messed up. But they are not sure if I would make it thru the surgery.

Thank you to all who are keeping me in your thoughts and prayers. I appreciate it so very much, as does my family!

Mood: cold"

UPDATE #12 (October 23, 2008)

"Update--Oct. 23rd, 2008 at 2:56 PM

I'm still here. How? I don't know. I don't know why God has kept me on earth for this long with this disease.

My physical body is literally disappearing. I feel such guilt and shame. I am sorry to everyone for being such a disappointment. I am sorry for failing to fight and beat this disease. I am sorry I have given up!!

I fought it for 22 yrs. and it has done irreversable damage to me...physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I'm done. I have nothing left.

I don't want people who are fighting this terrible monster to read this and think, "well if she's giving up, if she's not going to get better, then I won't either." You CAN!! Recovery IS possible. I've seen it. I just don't see it for myself. And I'm so very sorry for that!! I'm so very ashamed!!

The physical pain and discomfort from starving and from the malnutrition is still not as bad as the discomfort of leaving my anorexia behind--the terror I would feel. And deep down I know that is CRAZY!! It's been ME for so long, it's who I am.

So many of you have responded to my posts with such love and kindness and I can't tell you how much that means to me!! It touches my heart so much, I can actually "feel" your love.

I've been so nauseous every single day. I don't know if it's my pain meds or what, but I feel like I am sea sick ALL the time!! And when I feel like that, that MONSTER inside my head tells me I am gaining weight, even if I've only had tiny bites of yogurt all day long! I wish so much that there was a miracle drug out there that would just make eating disorders just disappear. They take everything and everyone from you!!

I love all of you out there struggling with this and to those keeping me in your hearts and prayers! I can't thank you enough!! Please take care of yourselves and FIGHT!!"

UPDATE #11 (September 28th, 2008)

"Doctor Day

Sep. 28th, 2008 at 7:25 PM





72.9 lbs. on the doctor's scales with clothes on.

I wish I could see what others see! What is wrong with me?! I feel like I am going crazy! This disease is consuming me and I can't stand it!

I saw my doctor on Friday. He raised my Percocet. I feel sorry for him bc he is so worried about me and doesn't know how else to help. I have yet another kidney infection, but we're not going to treat it, just try and control my pain.

I'm so confused and scared. So many emotions all jumbeled up inside of me. I don't know who I am anymore. I feel like a puppet being controlled by this monster pulling the strings. My body is shutting down not only physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well.

I was with my family this weekend and it was an incredibly uncomfortable weekend!! Just seeing the look on all of their faces and the way they act toward me. My dad looks at me with disgust and that hurts. Even my nieces and nephews stare at me and seem to be afraid of me.

I am so very ashamed and consumed with guilt! What have I done to myself? I've ruined not only my own life, but the lives of those I love so dearly. I'm so very very tired and exhausted and the pain is getting hard to control. God, please forgive me for not being who you made me to be!!

Mood: confused"

Karlene, every time I read one of your updates, my heart breaks a little more. If only you could get the treatment you so desperately need and deserve. ~ Medusa

UPDATE #10

(September 12th and 19th, 2008)

"Update--9/19

Sep. 19th, 2008 at 9:33 PM

As usual, another rough day. I had to take more of my pain meds as soon as they would wear off, thus I slept most of the day.

I've been having bad nightmares that leave me petrified, most of them about my abuser, and sometimes I can feel his presence in my apartment.

I am starting to have a hard time keeping anything down. It literally takes me nearly all day to eat just a 6 oz. carton of yogurt and sips of about 6 oz. of water. Otherwise I get terrible severe stomach pains and sometimes can't keep even that little bit down.

My doctor wants to see me next week to check things out and we will talk about getting me on some pain medicine that is an extended release kind. But I am hesitant. I don't want to feel drugged all day long. I have been feeling really down and very hopeless. My heart is acting so funny, palpitating so badly I briefly pass out. I can usually sit or lie down before I hit the floor. My weight is around 73-74 pounds, about 50 pounds under my normal weight.

I hurt so badly, emotionally and physically. The ED voices in my head haunt me day and night, screaming at me that I am a bad lazy fat slob. God, help me! I am so very tired!

Mood: lonely"

{{{Karlene}}}

~~~~~~~~~~

"Update--9/12

Sep. 12th, 2008 at 3:27 PM

Today has been a rough day. I'm very nauseated and my ulcers are acting up. I've had a little bit of yogurt, a "safe" food for me, but it came right back up (NOT on purpose). So that's all I've had in the last few days. I can't even keep fluids down.

I think I have another kidney infection. I get them so easily now. But I feel it's pointless going to the dr. because he doesn't know what to do for me anymore, except give me pain meds to keep me comfortable, which they do somewhat.

My weight is about 73, but I hardly even look in the mirror anymore. I get too cold standing there in just my undies.

I've been starting to give some of my things away. Like my beloved Spongebob collection I've been giving to my 2 year old niece. She's crazy about him.

Gotta go lie down. Thank you all to are sending me your prayers. They are much appreciated!

Love, Karlene

Mood: nauseated"

~~~~~~~~~~
UPDATE #9 (Friday, September 12, 2008)

"Update--9/2

Hello everybody ~

I'm sorry I have been out of touch. I have read your comments (those who have sent them, and Medusa) and I'm sorry I haven't replied, but I greatly appreciate them all.

I'm hanging in there. It's getting harder and harder to make it through each day. Alot of pain and alot of sleeping. I'm exhausted and out of breath much of the time. Just walking hurts.

I spent the Labor Day weekend with my family and I talked to them about my anorexia, really for the first time in all these years. We cried together and were open and honest with one another. It was hard, but a relief. We have all come to accept my illness and impending death. God touched all of our hearts that night and gave us a sense of peace.

My doctors and therapists are still working on the Hospice thing. It's taking a while, but I think it just may work out.

Thank you to all who are keeping me and my family in their prayers. I appreciate it so much.

Love to all~

Karlene

Mood: tired"

~~~~~~~~~~

UPDATE #8 (Friday, August 22, 2008)

"I'm sorry Aug. 22nd, 2008 at 8:25 PM

I want to apoligize to all of my readers. I'm so sorry I am such a downer, a loser, a failure, a quiter. Here I am trying to keep you guys fighting this awful disease and I, myself, am giving up. What kind of inspiration is that?

I just want to tell my story in hopes that you guys can see what this awful disease can take away from you. Some of you are in the beginning of your disease and I beg you to get help NOW! The sooner you fight it and live in recovery, the better chances you have of actually having a great happy and healthy future.

After 22 years of being in and out of treatment centers and hospitals, being fed with PEG tubes, NG tubes, fighting infection after infection, fighting painful stomach ulcers and a hiatal hernia, a completely damaged esophagus from years of purging, kidney infections, a failing weakening heart, and failing organs, my body just can't take it anymore. And the pain is excrusiating! 24/7, emotionally and physically.

Tonight has been a rough night. I got up to try to make my way to the restroom and passed out. I could actually feel my heart stop beating and the blood rush from my head and extremeties before it happened. That's not the first time that's happened. I'm just glad I didn't crack open my head.

Anyway, I just hope and pray to you all who are suffering, PLEASE don't give up. Fight while there is still fight inside you. I've never cared enough about myself to fight for ME! Please fight for YOU! You CAN win!! You CAN beat this...before it's too late. My prayers and love to you all!

Mood: drained"

~~~~~~~~~~

UPDATE #7 (Thursday, August 21, 2008)

"God, please take me soon!

Aug. 20th, 2008 at 7:22 PM

I found out that I don't qualify for Hospice. They say I have to have a diagnosis of a disease that will kill me in less than 6 months. I honestly don't believe I have 6 months and neither do my doctors. I need to talk to my physician because I know he will let them know the seriousness of this.

Many times I go to bed not expecting to wake up in the morning. Do they know how much pain I am in? Do they know I am literally wasting away? My parents/family need this hospice thing as much as I do.

My doctor will still continue to supply me with any pain medication I need (at least I hope he will). I sleep most of the day because even sitting up tires me out so. I just took several Percocet along with Xtra strength Tylenol, Xanax and Ativan. I can feel it kicking in, but I still feel I need more. The pain is pretty bad. My stomach is killing me. And when I have a stomach ache, it makes me feel FAT!! Weird I know.

God, I am ready when you are!

Mood: nauseated"

{{{Karlene}}}

~~~~~~~~~~

I have been out of town for the past five days and was only able to just now check Karlene's journal to see how she was doing...

UPDATE #6 (Thursday, August 14, 2008)

"another update

Aug. 14th, 2008 at 4:23 PM

I saw my primary care physician and he is all for the Hospice thing. He is very saddened by it, but honors my wishes. He is more than willing to work with hospice to help them make me as comfortable as possible in my final days.

My digestive system hardly works anymore. I take sips of water and nurse tiny spoonfuls of FF yogurt, but that is all I can do. They couldn't even get a BP on me this morning because it was so low.

My mind is going quickly as I forget most of what I am doing. My heart palpitations are very frequent now. They are worried about me staying alone. My dr. has put me on pain meds as I am in so much pain now. My whole body is eating away at itself.

I am thinking about getting a walker as it is hard to walk standing straight up, let alone walk at all without some assistance. I am still very worried about how I will pay my monthly bills just living off my disability checks. That is stress I don't need right now.

Your love and prayers are still much needed. Please pray for not only my family, but for my financial situation as well. I am so appreciative to you all right now. Here is my mailing address, just in case some of you want to know: P.O. Box 365, Silver Lake, KS 66539.

"Medusa", I want to thank you as well!!

Love, Karlene

Mood: stressed"

Karlene, my heart is breaking for you. So many are praying for a miracle for you. I hope our prayers are answered.

Much love to you,

Medusa

~~~~~~~~~~

UPDATE #5 (Tuesday, August 12, 2008)

"A plea to my readers

Aug. 12th, 2008 at 10:22 AM

Hi all

I wanted to make a plea to those of you who are kind enough to read my journals. Unfortunately I have been banned from "proanorexia" so I can't post there.

I believe it is very important for the readers to read my latest journals concerning my declining health and what EDs can ultimately lead to.

Can someone please either post this for me or tell them to read my journals. They need to go to my journal site:

http://chronicanorexic.livejournal.com/

My evaluation went well with the hospice people. They now just have to send for my medical records to see if I qualify. Apparently I have to be given only 6 months to live, according to my doctors. Sometimes I don't see myself living even that long.

Although I still see fat spots on me, I can also see that the person staring back at me who looks like a skeleton with skin stretched over it. I'm in so much pain--joint pain, muscle pain, back pain, bone pain, everything hurts. I try to eat a little yogurt. It is getting harder and harder to even swallow.

I keep asking God to take me SOON, not only bc the pain is unbearable, but bc I don't want my parents to see me in a prolonged state of sedation until I slowly pass away. I worry so much about them. But I know God will take care of them.

I often wake up and wonder if this is the day. Bad thing is I have to live off of my disability checks (which is NOTHING) and can't pay some of my bills. But it would be impossible for me to work right now. The stress doesn't help any.

Thank you all!

Mood: blank "

~~~~~

"waiting...as my health declines

Aug. 12th, 2008 at 9:51 AM

My evaluation went well with the hospice people. They now just have to send for my medical records to see if I qualify. Apparently I have to be given only 6 months to live, according to my doctors. Sometimes I don't see myself living even that long.

Although I still see fat spots on me, I can also see that the person staring back at me who looks like a skeleton with skin stretched over it. I'm in so much pain--joint pain, muscle pain, back pain, bone pain, everything hurts. I try to eat a little yogurt. It is getting harder and harder to even swallow.

I keep asking God to take me SOON, not only bc the pain is unbearable, but bc I don't want my parents to see me in a prolonged state of sedation until I slowly pass away. I worry so much about them. But I know God will take care of them.

I often wake up and wonder if this is the day. Bad thing is I have to live off of my disability checks (which is NOTHING) and can't pay some of my bills. But it would be impossible for me to work right now. The stress doesn't help any.

Mood: distressed"

~~~~~~~~~~

UPDATE #4 (Friday, August 8, 2008)

"These pics were taken a day before I entered the hospital, at 73 lbs. "

"Update--not good news

Aug. 6th, 2008 at 11:09 AM

Hi all~

I wanted to let you know that I am now at home from the hospital. I spent two weeks on a feeding tube. My weight is still critically low (upper 70s), and they were just able to get me stable. I am still very weak and not doing very well.

My doctors there have suggested Hospice care for me due to my failing health. I was told my heart is smaller and weaker and my organs are showing signs of failure. Midland Hospice Care (in Topeka) will come to my apartment tomorrow to do an evaluation on me to see if I qualify. When my doctors and therapists talked to them yesterday, it sounds like I will.

I don't know if any of you are aware of what exactly this means, but it is basically saying I am in the end stages of my disease, that I am terminal. They (hospice--which includes drs., nurses, social workers, home health aides, etc.) will care for me in my home on a regular basis until I am no longer able to care for myself. I will then go to a hospice or nursing facility where they will keep me as comfortable as possible until I pass away.

I know all of this sounds grim, but I am trying to accept it as reality, as my doctors and therapists fear the worst. Thank you to everyone who have kept me in your prayers. Your kind words mean a lot to me! Please continue to keep me, but especially my family, in your prayers!

I hope I don't die alone and have my family surrounding me at the end.

Love, Karlene

Mood: gloomy"

~~~~~~~~~~

UPDATE #3 (Monday, July 21, 2008)

"Jul. 21st, 2008 at 6:23 PM

Well, tomorrow's the day. I'm going inpatient for the 15th time! This will be the 8th time at the same hospital/treatment facility. Once again, I'm terrified!

I weigh 73 lbs. and I do NOT want my bones to be covered in FAT!! I love to see them stick out. I see bones I never even knew I had! I can't help but feel proud.

What will I be without it? I don't know who I am without anorexia. It's been with me for 22 yrs. I NEED it! And now they are going to try and take it away from me.

I already know when I get out that I am going to lose the weight they put on me. I'm in terrible pain and I am so very weak, but I don't want to feel better! I need the pain, I deserve the pain. If I feel so bad, it means I am doing something right. I don't want to do this!

Mood: distressed"

~~~~~~~~~~

UPDATE #2 (Monday, July 21, 2008)

"Jul. 17th, 2008 at 5:58 PM

Well it seems I am being admitted into the hospital on Tuesday morning (July 22). I am scared out of my wits! I do NOT want my bones to be covered with FAT! I see and feel bones I never even knew I had! I can't handle them going away! I NEED them! They give me comfort and safety.

Because my BMI is so low (13 something), they will have me on complete bed rest with a person sitting with me 24/7!

I have been passing out and I am purging anything I put in my mouth, even if it is an ounce or two of water, and I am spitting up blood. I want to DIE before I have to go in! I can't handle another hospitalization!

I am on pain medication for my kidney infection (Darvocet with 650 of acetimediphen), so I just took 6 of them, plus 2 mg of Ativan and 4 mg of Xanax. I can feel them kicking in. I'm feeling sick. I just want to sleep and sleep. I know I haven't taken enough to kill me, but maybe it will do some damage. I was in the hospital a few months back for ODing on the same thing and this is exactly how I felt. Only this time I don't have my therapist to MAKE me go to the ER.

Well, I need to stop for now bc I am beginning to see spots before my eyes and feel I'm about to pass out. I will write again before I have to go to the hospital on Tuesday (if I am still alive by then).

Mood: lethargic "

~~~~~~~~~~

"Jul. 12th, 2008 at 9:35 AM

My therapist is threatening to "leave me" for good if I don't go into the hospital! I don't want to go but I don't want to lose her. Nobody understands me like she does.

So I called the hospital and they said they want me to come back in, that my "condition is severe." They are afraid I will die before I get there. I hope I do bc I can't take another forced weight gain! I can't do this again!

ED is beating me up severely for calling them. I am not done losing weight! My weight is still in the low 70s, it's got to get in the 60s!

The admissions lady at the hospital is going to call me Tuesday for my phone assessment. This will be my 7th time there. I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS!! I hope I die soon! I'm so very very tired!!

Mood: distressed"

~~~~~~~~~~

Jul. 10th, 2008 at 9:38 AM

Hi everyone,

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while to give you an update. My therapist insists on me going back into the hospital. I have become so weak, I barely can get up off the futon. I have had a really bad kidney infection for the past two weeks. I'm in a lot of pain.

I feel sorry for my family bc I can see the pained look on their faces when they see me and give me a hug (as if they may break me). We don't talk about my failing health and anorexia, about my impending death.

I'm sorry everyone!!! I'm such a failure! Here are a couple of new pics. I only take them if I am losing weight. I still see FAT legs!! Love and hugs to all-----"

~~~~~~~~~~

UPDATE #1 (Sunday, June 29, 2008)

This is so tragic it's difficult for me to post. I just checked this woman's journal and found this latest entry which was posted a few hours ago:

" 74 lbs!!!

Jun. 29th, 2008 at 4:32 PM

Seems I have been banned from the site, proanorexia. Oh, well, I will soon be gone............

I have a new user pic (taken this morning). I've lost 2 lbs over the weekend, now down to 74 lbs.

5'4"
HW: 120
LW: 74
CW: 74
GW: 60

My therapist called the hospital I was at in Jan. and Feb. and they are insisting I come back in. They fear for my life. I fear LIFE..period! With my financial situation, I don't know how I could afford to be in the hospital for months. I just want to disappear, shrink away to nothing, die in peace! Give my parents the relief of no longer having to see me like this. My kidneys are failing, by bones hurt, it hurts to even walk...my body's giving out, but it's taking so very long and is so very painful. I'm faddddddiiiiinnnngggg aawwwwaayyy!!!!!!!!

Mood:Dying"

~~~~~

MY ORIGINAL POST FROM JUNE 6/08:

I stumbled upon this woman's journal and pictures moments ago and am heartsick. She may not have long to live. The comments posted under all the pictures are hers.

Her words... posted May 27th, 2008 at 8:55 AM:

"Hi, I am new to this site. I'm 39 yrs. old and have been anorexic for 22 years, but it's been severe for about the last 9-10 years, in and out of NUMEROUS treatment centers and hospitals, being fed through a feeding tube in the nose, a PEG tube surgically placed in my stomach and "fed" that way for over a year! (no food by mouth).

My normal weight @ 5'4" is 120 lbs. (which was about 10 yrs. ago), but now I weigh 77 lbs.

I purge (up to 8 times a day), anything I put in my mouth. I can't stand it! I have pics of myself on my site of my beautiful bones. I am obsessed with taking pics of myself and scrutanizing them (fat spots, etc.).

My therapist won't see me until I go into the hospital. I have lots of medical problems going on, but I can't help wanting to just disappear! I'm not sure I am pro ana, but I want to get thinner and thinner.

I don't recommend getting yourself stuck in this rut. It's pure hell once it takes over your mind and body! PAIN like no other!! Unbelievable PAIN!!!!!!!"

Mood: exhausted"

"A view from above @76 lbs. May '08"

"If you look closely enough, you can see the scars from my PEG tubes"

"76 lbs. "

And her latest post from yesterday, June 7, 2008, at 10:53 a.m:

"I want to thank all of you for your continued support! It helps so much.

I can't even begin to tell you the hell I co thru 24/7, the physical and emotional torture! Why do I do this to myself? I feel I don't deserve to live, to breathe, to take up space on this earth.

I have written a good-bye letter to my family and friends and keep it near my bedside. I want them to know how much I love them and how sorry I am for hurting them so much! The are in their early 70s and are not in good health (my dad recovering from a heart attack and mom having to go get serious back surgery performed). I feel it is all my fault. Me and this stupid MONSTER inside my head! I've just been through so many treatment centers, hospitals, psychiatrists, therapists, specialists, painful procedures, etc. that I have lost all hope of ever getting better!

Stay strong on the RECOVERY path!!

Mood: depressed"

~~~~~~~~~~

And among some very wonderful, supportive comments to this poor woman's posts were some shocking questions asked of her:

Q. "Lol, if could turn just even one off of purging it was well worth posting it."

Her answer: "I hope it shows what purging can do to your teeth! ANd I'v always had nice straight white healthy teetch. Now they are gone and rotting (which is very painful!!). thank you for the post"

Q: "god I wish I could look like you!! oh, and I know this sounds kinda weird, but were you the girl that was in Dr. Phil?? you look Identical"

Her answer: "No, sorry. She was much thinner than me, however I have more serious medical complications and have literally been given a death sentence bc of my failing kidneys"

[NOTE: Aimee Moore was the anorexic/bulimic featured on the Dr. Phil show. You can search my blog for the posts relating to Aimee]

Q: "to tell you the truth i wish i had a death sentence. I hate living like this!! it's utter torture!! do you know how long you have to live?"

Her answer: "no i don't. but i've been told it could be any day. my potassium level is crically low and causings what the drs. call miny heart "attacks." my heart has shrnk to 40% or what it should be. Hon you don't want to go down this road! Live while you can!!"

~~~~~~~~~~

Please, I beg of you, if you are anorexic and/or bulimic, or suffering from any other eating disorder, please seek help immediately!

On the sidebar of my blog are hotline numbers and links to get you started on the road to recovery. Anorexia and bulimia are deadly diseases and take the lives of thousands and thousands of people yearly.

And please remember this woman's warning:

"I don't recommend getting yourself stuck in this rut. It's pure hell once it takes over your mind and body! PAIN like no other!! Unbelievable PAIN!!!!!!!"

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VICKI'S STORY: "MY MUM DIED LAST WEEK. ED TOOK EVERYTHING FROM HER."

Vicki's heartbreaking story...

"Hi there

I guess it feels kind of important to share my story right now. Because I think people put the dangers of eating disorders to the back of their minds - all the side effects, the horrible consequences. We all know what they are, but a lot of us also disregard them too, pleasing the ED being our only aim.

My mum did this too.

And now she is dead.

She died last week. She killed herself because she could not see any other way. ED took EVERYTHING from her.

See, at first ED seems like it’s your friend. It takes away all the pain, and replaces it with something you CAN do. First, it’s your friend. And then it kills you.

There is a lot of History of ED in my family. My mum suffered from the age of 13 until her death with anorexia. Her mum had anorexia.

I also have an eating disorder, which I am fighting with all of my might to recover from. I grew up seeing it, believing it was normal to act that way towards food, to have such a devastatingly negative body image. I watched my mum’s volatile, ever changing moods, and saw how it depended upon whatever the 'magic number' on the scale was that day.

My own personal disordered behaviours began when I was around 12. Mum was so ill, so drowned in ED, she could never see anything else. She didn’t like things to be as they were - it’s just that she couldn't get any space from ED.

See, the thing is ED isn’t something you can just toy with for a while. You can’t dabble in it, try it for size, and then decide it isn’t for you. Because by then it's far too late. ED has got you in a stranglehold, and you WILL find yourself fighting for your life. Or giving in, succumbing to its demands.

And I think too many people trivialise and underestimate the effects of eating disorders. People DO die from them.

My mum killed herself because she couldn’t live with the demands of her ED anymore.

Please. We need to raise awareness of the seriousness of these problems. We don’t need any more eating disorder statistics.

I'm going to recover. It's not going to be easy, not in the slightest. It’s all I’ve ever known. But I am not going to follow in my mother’s footsteps.

I'm not going to be another ED statistic. What good is that to anyone?

And surely, no one else out there wants the same.

FIGHT! You have to because, really, it’s a matter of your life, or your death. Literally.

~Vicki"

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