...from Monday, March 22nd, to Thursday, April 8th, 2010.
I will have limited Internet access while I'm away, so if I don't respond to your e-mails, I will do so after April 8th.
~ Medusa
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Saturday, March 20, 2010
I WILL BE AWAY ON VACATION...
Sunday, March 14, 2010
A BEAUTIFUL MANTRA: PLEDGE TO MY BODY...
Pledge to My Body
I hereby agree from this day forward to fully participate in life on earth. I agree to inhabit the appropriate vehicle for participation…a body. As a requisite for the sustaining of that body, I agree to eat consciously. This agreement fully binds me for the duration of my stay on earth.
As an eater, I agree to hone my hunger, eating when I feel hungry and stopping when I feel full. I recognize that as the biological need to eat is fulfilled with greater awareness, the benefits of well being will increase.
Because the essence of my participation in life is one of learning and exploration, I agree to experience uncertainty in my eating. I recognize that my relationship to food is a learning process and I will inevitably make mistakes. Therefore, I agree to accept my humanness and imperfections and not blame and judge myself.
As an eater, I accept pain, I recognize that I may suffer pain when my body is disturbed by my choice of food or eating habits. I may also experience pain when emotional and spiritual hungers are confused with physical hunger. During these times I agree to sit with and hold a safe place inside myself in which to explore painful and difficult feelings. I recognize that to be fully alive I must be willing to heave the courage to sit with a full range of emotions.
I agree to work on finding the time and energy necessary to feed and care for my body. I pledge to speak lovingly and kindly to myself and to incorporate movement into my life in fun and joyful ways.
I further agree to accept that I have a woman’s body; a body that is imperfect and vulnerable, curved, and rounded. Because I am giving up the need to be perfect, I am willing to accept m body at its natural weight. I realize that my female body has qualities that mark my womanhood and that have a profound role and effect on human kind.
I recognize that eating joins me to all humanity and at its deepest level is an affirmation of life. Each time I eat, I agree somewhere inside to continue life on earth. This choice to eat is a fundamental act of love and nourishment, a true celebration of my existence. I choose life again and again and again.
- Wellons, L, Celebrating the Body (1997), Austin, TX
I hereby agree from this day forward to fully participate in life on earth. I agree to inhabit the appropriate vehicle for participation…a body. As a requisite for the sustaining of that body, I agree to eat consciously. This agreement fully binds me for the duration of my stay on earth.
As an eater, I agree to hone my hunger, eating when I feel hungry and stopping when I feel full. I recognize that as the biological need to eat is fulfilled with greater awareness, the benefits of well being will increase.
Because the essence of my participation in life is one of learning and exploration, I agree to experience uncertainty in my eating. I recognize that my relationship to food is a learning process and I will inevitably make mistakes. Therefore, I agree to accept my humanness and imperfections and not blame and judge myself.
As an eater, I accept pain, I recognize that I may suffer pain when my body is disturbed by my choice of food or eating habits. I may also experience pain when emotional and spiritual hungers are confused with physical hunger. During these times I agree to sit with and hold a safe place inside myself in which to explore painful and difficult feelings. I recognize that to be fully alive I must be willing to heave the courage to sit with a full range of emotions.
I agree to work on finding the time and energy necessary to feed and care for my body. I pledge to speak lovingly and kindly to myself and to incorporate movement into my life in fun and joyful ways.
I further agree to accept that I have a woman’s body; a body that is imperfect and vulnerable, curved, and rounded. Because I am giving up the need to be perfect, I am willing to accept m body at its natural weight. I realize that my female body has qualities that mark my womanhood and that have a profound role and effect on human kind.
I recognize that eating joins me to all humanity and at its deepest level is an affirmation of life. Each time I eat, I agree somewhere inside to continue life on earth. This choice to eat is a fundamental act of love and nourishment, a true celebration of my existence. I choose life again and again and again.
- Wellons, L, Celebrating the Body (1997), Austin, TX
Deanna, thanks so much for sending this mantra along to me.
To read Deanna's story, click here:
DEANNA'S STORY: "IT WAS LIKE CUTTING, BUT INTERNALIZED..."
Link:
Faith in Food
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Saturday, March 13, 2010
Sunday, March 7, 2010
JESSE'S STORY: "I'M A NON-PURGING BULIMIC...EVERY BITE OF FOOD THAT CROSSES MY LIPS IS AN INDICTMENT."
~ The Choice is Mine by JesseMy name is Jesse and I’m almost 21 years old. I’ve been trying to send you an email for a while now, but I was afraid my letter wouldn’t be perfect enough. My perfectionism plays a large role in my eating disorder.
I’m a non-purging bulimic and have been since I was 12 years old. I use exercise as my way of purging calories after a binge. My eating disorder didn’t start as something glaringly obvious. I remember the first time I binged but to me it just seemed like I was enjoying forbidden foods that I knew weren’t acceptable to eat. I just couldn’t stop myself. I made cookies and as I continued to eat them, I couldn’t bake them fast enough. I ended up just eating the batter straight out of the container.
The binges continued in to high school and I realized that I was gaining weight because of it. I tried self-starving but apparently I wasn’t disciplined enough to do that.
In my junior year of high school, I realized that my weight gain had gone too far and that I needed some sort of motivation to curb my sweet tooth, which I’ve only recently identified as the binge part of my eating disorder. I realized that if I ran, I could burn up to 100 calories in about 10 minutes. I started to run excessively, even following a marathon training plan to increase mileage.
It all backfired last year when I became extremely sick and attempted suicide. I remember lying on the bathroom floor having binged in the morning before class and just praying to God to take away my pain and make the binging stop. I had no hope left that my life would ever return to normal.
I was admitted to an in-patient unit for eating disorders where I stayed for 3 ½ weeks. It saved my life. I still struggle with eating disorder every day but I at least am armed with the tools to fight it.
What can I say about the pain I carry with me? It hurts somewhere so deep in my soul that I would rather injure my body with food and exercise to the point of physical pain than deal with these emotions. I struggle every day with my recovery. Every bite of food that crosses my lips is an indictment, a way for my eating disorder to prove to me what a failure I am, how I will never be perfect. I remember hoping that when I went to the hospital, someone would give me a magic pill that would make everything better. And there wasn’t one.
I want to let the readers of your blog know that recovery is not easy and it is not glamorous. Our eating disorders have this allure to them that recovery does not. It’s going to take every ounce of energy and willpower that you have. It is not a quick fix solution. It takes a commitment every single day to fight that voice in your head telling you that you are disgusting and ugly and fat. You have to use those tools of discipline and stubbornness and motivation that kept you entrenched in your eating disorder and channel it to fighting it. You have to be willing to walk out in thin air and realize that no one is promising you a happy ending. Your eating disorder always did: when you weigh X amount of weight, all of your dreams will come true because you will be happy. Recovery makes no promises or guarantees, but it isn’t just the absence of your illness. It’s that life that I veered away from at 12 years old and am finally starting to realize at almost 21.
Sometimes I once again find myself on the bathroom floor crying. But this time it isn’t to pray that I die or pray that my pain will go away. I cry because I’m exhausted from fighting and I cry because my feelings seem overwhelming. It’s not pretty and it’s not glamorous but it will have to do. Because I’m not in the place I was before, sneaking food and eating it out of the trash if I had to, sending my friends to unknowingly buy binge foods for me, exercising at 4 in the morning because it was going to take me until at least 6 to finish my run, weighing myself multiple times a day in the hopes of finally reaching my magic number. I’m starting to sense this inner peace that life with an eating disorder can never give.
Above all else, please tell your readers not to give up.
Jesse"
I’m a non-purging bulimic and have been since I was 12 years old. I use exercise as my way of purging calories after a binge. My eating disorder didn’t start as something glaringly obvious. I remember the first time I binged but to me it just seemed like I was enjoying forbidden foods that I knew weren’t acceptable to eat. I just couldn’t stop myself. I made cookies and as I continued to eat them, I couldn’t bake them fast enough. I ended up just eating the batter straight out of the container.
The binges continued in to high school and I realized that I was gaining weight because of it. I tried self-starving but apparently I wasn’t disciplined enough to do that.
In my junior year of high school, I realized that my weight gain had gone too far and that I needed some sort of motivation to curb my sweet tooth, which I’ve only recently identified as the binge part of my eating disorder. I realized that if I ran, I could burn up to 100 calories in about 10 minutes. I started to run excessively, even following a marathon training plan to increase mileage.
It all backfired last year when I became extremely sick and attempted suicide. I remember lying on the bathroom floor having binged in the morning before class and just praying to God to take away my pain and make the binging stop. I had no hope left that my life would ever return to normal.
I was admitted to an in-patient unit for eating disorders where I stayed for 3 ½ weeks. It saved my life. I still struggle with eating disorder every day but I at least am armed with the tools to fight it.
What can I say about the pain I carry with me? It hurts somewhere so deep in my soul that I would rather injure my body with food and exercise to the point of physical pain than deal with these emotions. I struggle every day with my recovery. Every bite of food that crosses my lips is an indictment, a way for my eating disorder to prove to me what a failure I am, how I will never be perfect. I remember hoping that when I went to the hospital, someone would give me a magic pill that would make everything better. And there wasn’t one.
I want to let the readers of your blog know that recovery is not easy and it is not glamorous. Our eating disorders have this allure to them that recovery does not. It’s going to take every ounce of energy and willpower that you have. It is not a quick fix solution. It takes a commitment every single day to fight that voice in your head telling you that you are disgusting and ugly and fat. You have to use those tools of discipline and stubbornness and motivation that kept you entrenched in your eating disorder and channel it to fighting it. You have to be willing to walk out in thin air and realize that no one is promising you a happy ending. Your eating disorder always did: when you weigh X amount of weight, all of your dreams will come true because you will be happy. Recovery makes no promises or guarantees, but it isn’t just the absence of your illness. It’s that life that I veered away from at 12 years old and am finally starting to realize at almost 21.
Sometimes I once again find myself on the bathroom floor crying. But this time it isn’t to pray that I die or pray that my pain will go away. I cry because I’m exhausted from fighting and I cry because my feelings seem overwhelming. It’s not pretty and it’s not glamorous but it will have to do. Because I’m not in the place I was before, sneaking food and eating it out of the trash if I had to, sending my friends to unknowingly buy binge foods for me, exercising at 4 in the morning because it was going to take me until at least 6 to finish my run, weighing myself multiple times a day in the hopes of finally reaching my magic number. I’m starting to sense this inner peace that life with an eating disorder can never give.
Above all else, please tell your readers not to give up.
Jesse"
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Wednesday, March 3, 2010
LOULOU'S STORY: CON MAN STEALS MORE THAN FAMILY'S MONEY IN PHONY ED TREATMENT CENTRE SCAM...
Not only was their money stolen, but their hopes shattered...
From Loulou:
"LOULOU TREATMENT SCAM
Kia ora, my name is LouLou. I had a blog called B00stF0rward.
I have had an eating disorder for 5 years, although I was in denial for the entirety of the past 5 years. I have gone from anorexia, to bulimia, to anorexia, to bulimia.
Three months ago I drove home to my parents’ house. I was stressed, I was coming down off drugs and I had finished my most recent freelance contract, which was working nights. I was tired and feeling really bad about myself.
My bulimia took hold in the most ferocious form it had ever been in.
I spent 8 weeks in a binge/purge cycle that started the moment I woke up and finished the moment I fell asleep, moaning from the pain and feeling sick from the sugar.
I decided I needed help. 8 weeks of treating my body this way was affecting every avenue of my life. My family, my relationships, my career, my body, my physical and mental health were all suffering. Considerably.
I had my first therapy session one Monday, I couldn’t leave the house to get to it. In fact, I hadn't left mum and dad’s house once since that first day I got there.
I realised when I had missed therapy that day that if I didn't go to my appointments I would never get better. So that was the day I started searching online about the world of recovery.
I was like a crack addict, addicted to the words I was reading. The hope filled my heart and I didn't stop searching recovery for days. I started a blog called B00stF0rward. This became my major outlet and form of support. Therapy is very effective, and meal plans and nutrition are incredibly key, but there is nothing more powerful than people who share your illness, supporting each other through recovery. The blogging community has played the biggest part in my recovery so far.
I knew I needed to get some residential treatment to help me move forward, as I was finding life incredibly difficult. I knew therapy was good but I felt like it was only a couple of hours out of the week and this was not enough.
I contacted a Treatment Clinic which deals with addictions, breakdowns and eating disorders.
The man there had suffered from an addiction himself, and he told me most of the staff had been through their fair share of problems before entering the health sector. The main counsellor had overcome an eating disorder herself.
The programme was 30 days and had about 6 hours of Therapy per day, one on ones, group therapy sessions and art therapy sessions. They complemented the therapy with yoga, taiji, massage, hypnotherapy and many other forms or alternative healing and bushwalks.
I finally decided to enter the programme, and Mum and Dad went to view the facilities and talk to M*** about the programme and how they could help me.
He showed them photos and information on the staff, the grounds, my bedroom and told them about the other clients who would be entering the same time as me, including another girl with an eating disorder. Mum and Dad were convinced this would be helpful for my recovery so we confirmed my place in the clinic, paid the deposit, and sat tight for a few weeks waiting for the day it was meant to begin. We bought all the things the welcome pack suggested, such as comfortable clothes for yoga, etc. I went through all my old memories, collecting journals and letters that I thought I should take with me to explore in therapy.
The day was coming close and M*** rang. He told us we would have to delay the programme by a week due to staff issues. That was fine. We decided a week wasn't long in the grand scheme of things.
A week later we set off in the car, packed and ready. Today was finally the day my treatment would begin. I was so ready. I was nervous. I was excited.
We drove up the long driveway and got out of the car. The place was closed completely, all doors were locked, and there was nobody to be seen. The rubbish bin was filled with beer bottles and shredded paperwork.
It turns out M*** was scamming us from the get-go.
He listened to my problems, he assured my desperate parents that they would be able to assist in my path to a better life.
He lied.
I had even given this bastard my blog to read.
I felt sick, I felt violated, I felt like all my hopes were shattered. Our family is devastated.
I hadn't been receiving any kind of therapy as I was waiting for the programme to begin. This guy ran away with 16,000 of my parents money, money they couldn't really afford to part with in the first place, money that was meant for treatment to help me. This happened 5 days ago.
I have had to change my blog’s URL and make it private. This is another reason I am writing here, because I love being a part of the blogging community, and I am so determined in recovery. I would love to invite readers with eating disorders to continue writing, reading and healing with me. Please e-mail amanda.brunning@gmail.com with the name of your blog, and I will invite you to my new one.
I am so determined in my path. I am a very positive person, and I have so much faith and hope.
My Recovery
I'm a loyal and caring friend, a loving but guilt-filled family member. I love reiki. I am notoriously unreliable. I never know where my money goes. I love Bob Marley and my beautiful soul sisters who make my heart sing. I also have an eating disorder, a tormenting voice who has constantly played mean tricks on me and really got in the way of my life. I am not here to talk about calories. I am here to get better. I am on a path to becoming a woman enjoying wellness and I have a lot of hope. HELL YEAH so follow and heal through writing.
I hope I can take my blog off private when this mess is over, when the guy is put in jail or exposed in the media. Nobody should get away with taking advantage of people when they are at their most vulnerable. I still have faith though, recovery is possible and I believe in myself.
Arohanui
Lou”
LouLou, I hope that piece of shite gets his just desserts...sooner rather than later.
My heartfelt sympathy to you and your family.
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NIINA: "DO YOU REMEMBER THE GIRL WE TEASED?"
From Niina, dedicated to all the girls who have been hurt by thoughtless words...
"Do you remember the girl we teased,
the girl who begged us to stop, oh please?
the girl who grew before we did
and we tormented because of it?
I saw her now, on my way,
she never grew after that day
the day we told her she was fat,
and would not fit in because of that.
It turns out she stopped to think
and found herself at the brink
Finally she let go
forgot to eat, that's what I know.
And tried to shrink away from us,
became so tiny that thus
finally that's all she was
And now I saw her, on my way
Beneath the headstone, there she lay
Like a fairy, so thin and small,
robbed of wings by the names we call."
-Niina
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Tuesday, March 2, 2010
ARTIST, REZ BARQUET, NEEDS YOUR HELP...
Raul "Rez" BarquetA few days ago, I received this email from Rez Barquet, a New York artist:
"Hello,
I stumbled across your website while doing research for an art project I am doing.
I have a solo art show coming up in July and am creating a body of work based around the lives of people with eating disorders. I need people who are willing to let me use their image, as well as people who can contribute in the form of quotes. I am looking for their feelings and thoughts about the conditions and everyday state of their lives. If you could help me out by maybe posting a blog about my project along with my email, I would be very grateful. I hope to spread some awareness about anorexia and bulimia through art. Thank you.
- Raul "Rez" Barquet"
Great project, Rez. The more info out there about eating disorders, the better.
If you are suffering from an eating disorder, or have recovered, please take a moment to share your experiences (and/or photos) with Rez. His e-mail address is reznotorious@aim.com
Best of luck to you, Rez, with your project.
Links:
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Monday, March 1, 2010
AMY'S STORY: " I AM A GYM JUNKIE..."
Amy B"Exercise Addiction
I am a 23 year old woman with anorexia athletica which, to put it bluntly, means I am a gym junkie. I have suffered with anorexia nervosa with bouts of bulimia for about 6 years. I consider myself lucky that I wasn’t captured by this illness as a young child because living with any kind of eating disorder is complete misery. I have discovered on my journey those that are pro anorexia and others that have little or no understanding of the seriousness of this life-ruining sickness. I have to state that it is not something to be proud of nor is it any way of life as with any kind of obsession it’s incredibly unhealthy and WILL take its toll on your mental and physical health.
I am a 23 year old woman with anorexia athletica which, to put it bluntly, means I am a gym junkie. I have suffered with anorexia nervosa with bouts of bulimia for about 6 years. I consider myself lucky that I wasn’t captured by this illness as a young child because living with any kind of eating disorder is complete misery. I have discovered on my journey those that are pro anorexia and others that have little or no understanding of the seriousness of this life-ruining sickness. I have to state that it is not something to be proud of nor is it any way of life as with any kind of obsession it’s incredibly unhealthy and WILL take its toll on your mental and physical health.
I got captured in eating-disorder thoughts when I decided to lose a few pounds. I was around the low end of healthy but wanted to lose just a little bit of weight. This soon escalated and became ‘just a little more’ and determination to push it that little bit further. Before I knew it I was obsessing over every inch of my body, counting calories, weighing food, over exercising, purging food, hiding food… I had become hooked.
I started by purging food and was under the belief that it was okay to do it occasionally. I know now it was just the beginning of a very slippery slope, which has caused a lot of heartache and upset everyone around me.
I started by purging food and was under the belief that it was okay to do it occasionally. I know now it was just the beginning of a very slippery slope, which has caused a lot of heartache and upset everyone around me.
I began restricting food and over exercising in a desperate bid to lose weight. I always felt bigger than my friends and disliked my body from a very young age. No matter what I weighed it was never low enough and I despised what I saw in the mirror or when I looked at my body. As the weight dropped I received compliments that only fueled me to lose even more weight.
The more I starved the hungrier and more deprived I became, leading to full-scale binge episodes and hours of vomiting. I have scarred my knuckles, ruined my teeth and burst blood vessels because of bulimic tendencies. I have oestopenia because of anorexia and my depression has spiraled out of control because of the eating-disordered behaviors.
Throughout the past few years I have been hospitalised 3 times due to the mental and physical toll that anorexia and bulimia has taken on my body. I have had moments of clarity where I have made improvements and started to get well only to fall from a great height into another trap. It can literally take a small comment from someone to having a bad day and I will start to attack myself.
Throughout the past few years I have been hospitalised 3 times due to the mental and physical toll that anorexia and bulimia has taken on my body. I have had moments of clarity where I have made improvements and started to get well only to fall from a great height into another trap. It can literally take a small comment from someone to having a bad day and I will start to attack myself.
I am currently consumed by my exercise addiction, which has taken over my life leaving me barely any time to even tidy my house let alone socialise with others. I thrive on the exercise high whether it is from aerobic classes, gym circuits, swimming, cycling or running. Anything will do so long as I burn the small amounts of food I eat and I get the exercise high. I love the feeling I get from exercise but would like to have a healthier approach to one of my passions in life. I am aware that I am not the only one that has a gym addiction as throughout my time spent working out I have recognized the regular people but also the excessive pushing themselves to the limit about to collapse citizens.
People joke about it and think I should just get a grip but sadly it isn't as easy as that otherwise I wouldn't be in the situation I find myself. I often find myself just wanting to go that little bit further and feel compelled to stay in the gym. If I leave earlier than anticipated or god forbid take a rest day I feel insanely guilty, distressed and angry with myself which then leads me to turn to other eating-disorder behaviors. It’s a vicious cycle and I have no idea how I will escape.
People joke about it and think I should just get a grip but sadly it isn't as easy as that otherwise I wouldn't be in the situation I find myself. I often find myself just wanting to go that little bit further and feel compelled to stay in the gym. If I leave earlier than anticipated or god forbid take a rest day I feel insanely guilty, distressed and angry with myself which then leads me to turn to other eating-disorder behaviors. It’s a vicious cycle and I have no idea how I will escape.
Amy, before her eating disordersMany males and females are suffering and the eating disorder 'specialist' services treat you like an adolescent child and make you feel like you have brought this horrible disease on yourself. The approaches taken are ridiculous with way too much focus on weight and giving you trouble for having thoughts and feelings that you have little or no control over.
The illness is not about being thin and beautiful; it’s just the only way I know how to cope with my feelings of deep dislike for myself. Having been left so long to deal with this illness alone it has left me very resentful towards people that want to change me, taking away what has essentially and very sadly became part of my identity. I would hate for this to happen to anyone else and hope that somewhere there is more help for people with this illness. I wish that a light bulb would turn on and I could wake up and leave this hell behind me but for that to happen I feel like I would need a small miracle.
However I do consider myself in recovery and I am going to try and fight this illness, and fingers crossed I can look back one day and feel elated to have overcome this mind-consuming disorder.
Amy B"
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