Mallory"I've read and read your blog, it's a fantastic tool for people who can't get help or who are just starting to take those steps.
I believe there truly is life after Ed, and I know that people who struggle with eating disorders read what is on your blog. It's so hard to see ahead of you when you're consumed with an eating disorder. I didn't believe that life could go on normally without it, but hearing other peoples' stories who are in recovery really helped me.
I was holding my grandmother's hand as she passed away. It shattered my heart, and I don't think I'll ever get over that completely. I remember when I was in rehab for my bulimia, she sent me cards and I spoke to her on the phone. She was so proud of me just for getting help and taking the steps to fight something that had become bigger than me. She taught me that life is worth fighting for and living, and watching her slip away made me realize how precious life truly is.
I believe there truly is life after Ed, and I know that people who struggle with eating disorders read what is on your blog. It's so hard to see ahead of you when you're consumed with an eating disorder. I didn't believe that life could go on normally without it, but hearing other peoples' stories who are in recovery really helped me.
I was holding my grandmother's hand as she passed away. It shattered my heart, and I don't think I'll ever get over that completely. I remember when I was in rehab for my bulimia, she sent me cards and I spoke to her on the phone. She was so proud of me just for getting help and taking the steps to fight something that had become bigger than me. She taught me that life is worth fighting for and living, and watching her slip away made me realize how precious life truly is.
Mallory on her 23rd birthday, a few months agoBulimia is such a selfish, selfish disease. I didn't start knowing that I was going to be bulimic and almost die - all I knew was that I could control it, I could hurt when I wanted to or release when I wanted to.
And after a while, it wasn't control at all that I had; I was seriously drowning when I thought I was swimming. It hurts everybody around you. It's ridiculous. I was admitted and hospitalized, I overdosed twice on vodka and sleeping pills. My brother found me and drove me to the hospital the second time. He's my baby brother, but was so strong when I wasn't. It was my worst fear when I was purging, that one of my brothers would be the one who found me when I died from cardiac arrest or when my esophagus or stomach ruptured from binging and purging up to 5 times a day, every day. I was convinced I was supposed to die from it, so I just beat it to the punch. For months, my mother wouldn't leave me home alone because she was so afraid of losing me.
From all the bad things that happened, many good things have come, too. My life didn't begin with bulimia and didn't end when I got help. I am engaged, and he's the most wonderful person I've ever met. I thought that I needed to be skinny or perfect to have a guy, but this is so not the case. He's seen me at my most imperfect, selfish, messy, depressed moments and loves me completely and unconditionally. If I'm having a hard day, he asks, "What do you need from me?" And I can tell him. I didn't need bulimia to find him.
I have a fiancee, an apartment, college credits (I'm going back to finish my degree next semester), a life and I didn't need bulimia to get any of those things. And if I slip up or make a mistake, bulimia won't take any of those things away again. Unless I let it. I obsessed and obsessed on the negative and those thoughts automatically moved toward bulimia and depression instead of the positive in my life.
And after a while, it wasn't control at all that I had; I was seriously drowning when I thought I was swimming. It hurts everybody around you. It's ridiculous. I was admitted and hospitalized, I overdosed twice on vodka and sleeping pills. My brother found me and drove me to the hospital the second time. He's my baby brother, but was so strong when I wasn't. It was my worst fear when I was purging, that one of my brothers would be the one who found me when I died from cardiac arrest or when my esophagus or stomach ruptured from binging and purging up to 5 times a day, every day. I was convinced I was supposed to die from it, so I just beat it to the punch. For months, my mother wouldn't leave me home alone because she was so afraid of losing me.
From all the bad things that happened, many good things have come, too. My life didn't begin with bulimia and didn't end when I got help. I am engaged, and he's the most wonderful person I've ever met. I thought that I needed to be skinny or perfect to have a guy, but this is so not the case. He's seen me at my most imperfect, selfish, messy, depressed moments and loves me completely and unconditionally. If I'm having a hard day, he asks, "What do you need from me?" And I can tell him. I didn't need bulimia to find him.
I have a fiancee, an apartment, college credits (I'm going back to finish my degree next semester), a life and I didn't need bulimia to get any of those things. And if I slip up or make a mistake, bulimia won't take any of those things away again. Unless I let it. I obsessed and obsessed on the negative and those thoughts automatically moved toward bulimia and depression instead of the positive in my life.
A photo collage made by a friend of Mallory'sIn the past three years, I haven't been perfect. But do you know how freeing it is to go from every second of life being dictated by food and purging and restricting to just enjoying life in general? Yesterday, I let it get the best of me, and for an hour, I was weak.
Today, I went out to dinner and played on the Wii with my guy. One day or mistake doesn't dictate who you are, and I'm the first to do something wrong and be like, "I'm a TOTAL failure!" It's a process and when you make a mistake, it's just time to move on instead of obsess and dwell. My fiancee told me it's kinetic energy - it's easy to sit and be depressed, but once you start moving, the hardest part is over, and you can keep going. You just gotta find the strength to pick yourself up.
I bookmarked your site and plan to check it out often to kind of keep myself in check.
Btw, I don't mind if you use my email and name. I think it's wonderful that people can email you, and if somebody is feeling weak, I would rather them have somebody to email and ask questions to rather than be alone with the thoughts.
Today, I went out to dinner and played on the Wii with my guy. One day or mistake doesn't dictate who you are, and I'm the first to do something wrong and be like, "I'm a TOTAL failure!" It's a process and when you make a mistake, it's just time to move on instead of obsess and dwell. My fiancee told me it's kinetic energy - it's easy to sit and be depressed, but once you start moving, the hardest part is over, and you can keep going. You just gotta find the strength to pick yourself up.
I bookmarked your site and plan to check it out often to kind of keep myself in check.
Btw, I don't mind if you use my email and name. I think it's wonderful that people can email you, and if somebody is feeling weak, I would rather them have somebody to email and ask questions to rather than be alone with the thoughts.
- Mallory"
If you would like to contact Mallory her email address is frostbitten186@yahoo.com
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2 comments:
Wow Mallory...you hit the right chords for me.Cuz I'm 20 and I don't have a boyfriend,so i feel so ashamed of it and guilty...and I can't think of a reason for a guy to like me like I am now...with fat on my body and all...I almost started crying while reading your story.Thanks for sharing that with us,it really gives me hope...in every aspect of life...
idk, i don't care about boyfriends and these things...i work in television...and the fact i'm a fattie makes me feel unaccepted...we all know that inside of the media, the society, they all prefer the anorexic models...this makes me feel sick. i'm unemployed, i don't have the courage to go to anywhere...i'm just the opposite...i'm almost stopping to eat, and gaining weight...at first, i was 55kg, now i'm 58...and i keep gaining fat...even skipping meals and stuff..i was rejected on a contest to a skinnier girl who hasn't any talent whatsoever, and keep failing on that tv program. i don't have the courage to purge...i'm such a coward. people say i don't get anything because i'm too young...but i'm 19...that's not too young. my mother said i'm gaining weight because of the anemia medicine i've been taking due to an internal bleeding i suffered some months ago. so damn frustrating...
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