Janelle
Hi. My name is Janelle. I'm 16 and from the Philippines.
I've always been a fat kid. Everyone called me fat so I started to do something about it.
My family is perfect, my grades are sky-high, I study at an International School, I've traveled a lot, I get everything I want and I get them immediately, I can manipulate anyone, etc, from the outside, everything seemed perfect. My psychiatrist, psychologist, toxicologist, and nutritionist are THE BEST in my country. And my psychologist is like my best friend, we get along very well.
I've always been insecure. It's either something’s lacking in me or I'm too much. I'm not pretty enough, I'm not smart enough to be called "gifted", I'm not tall enough, etc. Or I'm too fat, my boobs are too big, my eyebrows and lips are too thick, and stuff like that. I was never happy with myself.
Anyway, I'm also suicidal. People think that if you're suicidal and if you're cutting, you're EMO but it's not like that. Or that if you're starving yourself it’s because you want attention. It's not. It's like a defense mechanism to try to make away your issues go away. I used to cut because it made me forget about the hurting inside and it made me focus on the hurting outside. I starve myself so that maybe, I could disappear. I’m starving myself because when I'm thin, maybe everything will be okay. It's like distracting yourself to deny that something IS wrong. Problem is, I don't know what's wrong with me.
I've been suffering from Anorexia for 2 years now and I was admitted to the Psychiatric Ward of a local hospital since we do not have any Eating Disorder Treatment Centers here in my country. I was admitted because I overdosed on sleeping pills thrice and my weight was dangerously low. I was 71 lbs and I'm 5"2. My hair was falling out, my nails were blue, I became anemic, my blood pressure read 40/60 or something like that. I can't really remember anymore. I almost died because of complications in my heart. I'm also Bipolar so after a lot of medications, they put me on Zyprexa which makes you fat. Really, it does. I guess you can call me recovered for like, 4 months, but I've always had bad body images and my whole world revolves around how people think of me. But at least I wasn't trying to kill myself anymore.
Sad to say, I've relapsed. I started losing weight only to be called FAT by other people so I started to be conscious about weight again and I lost 10 lbs in 2 weeks. I only eat once a week now and I'm scared. I'm scared that my parents will spend a lot of money again on me (they already spent a 1.5 million pesos on my treatment) and I don't want that. I'm just scared that one day, if I lose in this battle, they won't have anything left for themselves anymore. I'm scared of what will happen to my family when I'm gone. I've made a lot of promises to them and I don't want to break it. But I just can't do it anymore.
I'm losing myself to this disorder again. My psychiatrist and psychologist are like my best friends and if I screw up one more time, they won't be my doctors anymore and that will break my heart. If I tell them that I'm losing weight, they'll send me to the asylum for a year and will not have any privileges at all. I just want to let them know that they did a good job on treating me. It's just that... I really don't know what's happening to me. But I have so much love for lots of people and I don't know how to show it. I'm such a burden to them. I don't want to drag them down with me. I just don't know what to do anymore.
I'm losing myself to this disorder again. My psychiatrist and psychologist are like my best friends and if I screw up one more time, they won't be my doctors anymore and that will break my heart. If I tell them that I'm losing weight, they'll send me to the asylum for a year and will not have any privileges at all. I just want to let them know that they did a good job on treating me. It's just that... I really don't know what's happening to me. But I have so much love for lots of people and I don't know how to show it. I'm such a burden to them. I don't want to drag them down with me. I just don't know what to do anymore.
WHY IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME?
WHY CAN'T I BE NORMAL LIKE EVERYONE ELSE?
I wish I could have a happy ending to my story but I don't. There is really no cure for this disorder, we just learn how to live with it and how to not let it take over our lives. You can have the best doctors in the world but if you don't try hard enough to get better, you won't. So work with what you have and hope for the best.
It's never over.
But I'm still hoping that one day, I will recover.
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16 comments:
thank you medusa. for letting me share my story.
(((Janelle))) You're so very welcome.
Wishing you recovered health and happiness...
~ Medusa
janelle thanks for sharing your story. I also wish you health and happiness!
I am fron New Zealand and the closest we get to ED treatment is a Psych Ward also.
My Therapy team recently told me they think I should find different help, and we have a reall;y cool relationship aswell. I am still really sad about this.
I thought something was wrong with me untill I started blogging, I realised that most of my behaviour wasn't actually me.. it was almost textbook illness behaviour.
Kia Kaha
be strong
Lou
I am stunned by your blog. What a journey into an absolute Heart of Darkness.
I really am at a loss for words, and shall continue to be so for a while.
Hey Janelle,
this is Kate. Like you, I have shared my story here (the entry is obviously called 'Kate's Story').
I for myself agree with you in terms of never truly being cured, only learning to control it.
But I think I have.
One thing you should know is that it's not about your peers, your parents or your doctors. It is all about YOU. You gotta find out what YOU want, cause ultimately, that's what you have left: Your hopes and aspirations.
And even if that may be pleasing others or stop making them suffer, this is something you can fight for.
Find the one thing( or a few things) that makes you happy, distracts you when you're depressed and helps you. And while trying to find that out, keep going.
I myself have become very involved in music and dancing, you might wanna try painting or acting or just anything creative. For me it's really great to see I created something that eventually will appeal to others as well. And it's not about being perfect, it's about the learning experience and the energy you put into that and get out of it.
Please just don't give up on yourself. You can do this.
Best wishes,
Kate
first, ive got some doubts seirously.. im not trying to be mean or anything..
BUT.
the girl in the first picture, Ive seen her on myspace before.. are you the one from myspace? i think her name on myspace is L'anorexia or something like that.. but her pics are always the same face and stuff. and here u variety alot.
just asking.. i dont know if she's a fake or something just letting you know.. and if its you then..
im sorry..i just didnt expect reading this and finding out that the girl in the frist pic is a person i do have on myspace.
i hope you recover..
xx
hi anonymous.
i'm sorry but i don't know what you're talking about. my real name is janelle but my nickname is jam. i am from manila, philippines. that is really me and my face! lol. can you post the link of the myspace person here? i'd like to see. thanks :)
Um... I happen to know that girl from myspace, she's french, about 15 years old and in most of the pictures she is sporting a feeding tube in her nose. Obviously, and THANK GOD, Janelle is not her.
Kate
i'll betcha that everyone who calls you fat is really just jealous of you. The next time someone calls you fat, laugh at them. You aren't fat, Janelle.
Janelle... you look so beautiful! You say that you have everything, what about to do something about people who are not so lucky? I think that caring about other people (and I don't mean our family and friends)that are not so lucky and have problems is soooo healing... Let's do something about OTHERS!(Only you can do in the way you do, because there is nobody like you.) It's working, I promise...
Love and wishes for your precious life
Katerina
Hi Janelle.
I'm from the Philippines too. Like you, I've suffered from EDs - anorexia, bulimia, and chronic exercis. I lived through all that for over 5 years. I told my friends but they didn't really try that hard to help me. I guess they didn't know what to do.
Today, I still hear Ana and Mia beckon me to be their friend again. And it's taking all my strength not to give in. (But as you can see, they are still very real to me. I still see them as living entities.) One thing I can't give up is exercise but I am trying to moderate it.
I hope we can talk. Even through email or text. Please contact me through my blog's contact page. I really want to help and be your friend.
@Medusa I'll be sending in my story one of these days. Janelle has inspired me.
Denise, thanks so much for commenting.
I look forwarding to receiving your story.
Hugs,
Medusa
Janelle,
Thanks for sharing your story. I can't believe you're only 16...you have a gift for writing! Maybe you can use this to channel your ED problems into something more productive :)
Also, you're beautiful and not at all fat and those other people are either blind or jealous. And actually, just really mean. I'm probably double your size and I have NEVER had someone call me fat. So don't listen to them!
Good luck hon, I hope you can recover!
~Sabrina
I just want to say say that you are so beautiful!
we are decades apart in age....but I feel the same. Mine is not an ED, but PTSD, plus who knows what else. I'm a mess but not seeking outside help. Can't move forward, don't want to move backward...stuck, frightened and no one understands in my life..."get over it" "what's your problem" "you are so lucky"...I don't feel that way. Some days I wish I wouldn't wake up..just go away to a quiet place...where I can disappear. Oh well..."life" goes on..but I'm a believer of quality over quantity...so...here's hoping.
Your fight is very encouraging. It keeps me strong, and it gives me hope to know that not all people are drowning in this tpical obsession with so called 'perfect beauty and weight'.
My friend is suffering with early signs of a disorder, and to know that there is hope, that there is a sun shining through the clouds, it is a relief.
Good luck, Janelle.
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