"Hi Medusa,
Firstly, thank you for your blog...it’s wonderful. I’ve just recently discovered it while struggling with my own topsy-turvy battle to NOT fall into ED.
I teeter on the edge of Binge Eating Disorder. I thus far am able to keep it in check but it’s hard. It stems from my mother's own ED and having grown up watching my mother in all her ANA glory, so to speak. Maybe some day she will get help. Or maybe she will simply fade away.
All I know is that in my fight to never be a bones-are-beauty girl, I fell the other way and eat until it hurts, never denying a morsel. Not always. Most days I carefully control without restricting. I'm on the edge of so many EDs it’s a dangerous life I lead. Fortunately, my love of chocolate and loathing of exercise saves me lol.
It’s funny because you posted beautiful pinup girls etc. before size zero. I find them perfect and beautiful, always have, but if it were me, I'd still be unsatisfied and want to lose. My mind is a jumble, tumbling thoughts, so many EDs thrashing through sense and sensibility to get to me. My barriers have not broken but bend and sway as branches in the wind....I look in a mirror and see disgusting fat.
I'm only 24. I have 2 children. I am with my soul mate who says I am beautiful, but I say where is the beauty? Where under this fat body is the beauty? It used to be there.... it can be again. But if I start, where will I stop? When I lose 20 lbs, will I be my mother and still see fat? I can't start the road away from binging to bury pain because I’m afraid to trigger ana. I know the demon mistress is hidden there…deep inside clawing to get out. Binge is stronger, Binge is protecting me. But who will protect me from myself?
Anyway, thanks for the inspirational blog. Your time to all of us suffering or those of us wishing our loved ones didn't suffer, or those who like me have an insatiable desire to understand it, means much.
Feel free to share if you want. Maybe someone else out there is as confused as me? Teetering on the brink of everything and nothing at all...or maybe in my insanity I am alone in it all.
All my love,
Crystal"
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2 comments:
Crystal, you are not alone. You remind me very much of myself. But I truly feel I have overcome those issues and I now see my weight for what it is- simply a result of the lifestyle I live, genetics, and nothing else. Overweight or underweight, weight does not define the whole of me.
I have been on a journey for the last year and some months, losing weight the healthy way. I set my goal at a weight most people would consider still "fat" and I have promised myself not to adjust it when I get there.
Loving yourself is something that has to be completely separate from your weight. I come here and read Medusa's wonderful blog and it reminds me just how sick and diseased the anorexic way of thinking is and how it is not something that should ever be romanticized or desired. I actually credit this blog with helping me see that the healthy way IS the right way. How absurd it is, the idea that one would be better off dead than fat.
The truth of the matter is, I just don't hate myself enough to flirt with ED anymore :)
I hope you find a way to trust yourself as well someday. It is very freeing.
-Kate
Crystal, I too have struggled on the brink of multiple EDs for years. I've restricted to loose weight, then get scared and start on a binge-spree for a while. I also go back and forth between the various EDs, but always manage to just barely make it outside the range of having an actual ED (I think). It really does feel like I'm on the edge of insanity all the time, and the warring voices of the various EDs never stop. I hope that both of us will someday find a way to accept ourselves and grow strong.
--RM
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