FROM THIS...
TO THIS...
BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR.
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Sunday, February 21, 2010
CANADIAN DESIGNER, MARK FAST, BREAKS THE SIZE-O BARRIER...
Crystal RennWomen of all sizes:
Canadian designer Mark Fast sent both 'plus size' model Crystal Renn and regular size models down the runway at London Fashion Week yesterday (February 20th, 2010)
Canadian designer Mark Fast sent both 'plus size' model Crystal Renn and regular size models down the runway at London Fashion Week yesterday (February 20th, 2010)
Hayley MorleyFollow on Buzz
CRYSTAL RENN ROCKS THE RUNWAY AT JEAN-PAUL GAULTIER SHOW...
When Crystal began modelling, she starved herself to fit the industry ideal of size 0. Then she had an epiphany, started eating again – and, as a size 16, now has the world at her feet.
Crystal, wearing one of designer, Jean-Paul Gaultier's fabulous dresses
Crystal and Jean-Paul Gaultier on the runway
Crystal in her early modelling days, while she was restricting and starving herself
Crystal now, looking fierce
The cover of "Hungry: A Young Model's Story of Appetite,Ambition and the Ultimate Embrace of Curves," by Crystal Renn
Click here to read my previous post on Crystal:
And click here to read The Independent's recent article on Crystal:
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Saturday, February 20, 2010
NIINA'S STORY: "I'M STILL STUCK IN A VICIOUS CIRCLE..."
Niina"In some ways, I'm the typical story. In others, anything but. Growing up I had five beautiful and talented sisters. My father is a workaholic who knows his children are bright and talented, but only expresses it by expecting the best. My mother is a timid woman who loves her children but never really knew how to react to problems.
I know there's been some problems with my sisters when they were younger. My sisters mostly did well in school, maybe rebelled a little but all in all made my parents proud. Ours was a loving home, although maybe a bit chaotic. I was a happy child, a tomboy, a bit weird, but had a couple of friends and that made me happy enough.
I don't know if I would have stayed that way if tragedy hadn't struck. One of my sisters got in an accident. We weren't sure if she'd make it. Severely handicapped and depressed from that, my sister seemed a whole different person, angry at her disabilities, often yelling and crying. I was so young that she actually scared me at times.
Lightning never strikes twice, right? Wrong. Years later, when I was eight, she got in another accident and passed away. I didn't know how to cope. I felt humiliated when people pitied me and saw me cry. I shut off completely. I actually went without physically crying for years.
When puberty hit I hated it. I was an early bloomer and went through hell for it. The boys who were my only friends started taunting my breasts and widening hips. Adult men started to comment when I was barely 12. I've had volatile experiences in relationships with both men and women. I've been sexually assaulted more than once. Pretty soon I started dressing in black and loose clothes. Despite all this I was always an excellent student, and got picked on because of that too.
By the time I was 13 I was cutting myself daily. I had a small circle of friends, most of them deemed odd too. I was the weirdo and freak even among them. I had realized that the more I stood out, the less people actually paid attention. I was loud, no-one listened. I acted out, no-one noticed. I was surrounded by people but always alone.
Even physically I've always been different. I'm barely 5 ft, very pale with pale hair and a very curvy figure. I've always wanted to be petite but I'm not. I have wide hips and big breasts and broad shoulders.
At 14, I stopped eating for a while. I lost something like 40 pounds in a matter of weeks. I lost half my hair. It hasn't grown back since. They forced me to eat and were happy when my anorexia seemed to vanish and my weight piled back on. Truth was, it just turned to BED, which turned to EDNOS.
At the moment, I'm a 20-year-old girl living with a roommate and my boyfriend. They keep me alive. I've never learned how to eat properly. I abuse alcohol and drugs at times. I hate my body because of all the scars, the fat, the thinning hair. I'm not working or studying at the moment because of severe depression and insomnia, and I'm still stuck in a vicious circle. EDNOS has more or less turned into bulimia by this point. I don't binge or purge every day, but a couple of times a week at least. My roommate especially hates me purging, and I'm constantly scared of getting caught. I can't talk about my problems to her because she doesn't know how to react with anything else than despise, and not to my boyfriend because he seems happy being ignorant. Being somewhat obese, I'm trying to lose some weight but it's really hard balancing between ED and sensible dieting.
(from Niina's collection)
I'm currently on a high dose of antidepressants as well as medication for severe anxiety. I also have some sleeping pills I have to use quite regularly. Ironically I usually binge because of my pills. Most of the time I eat sensibly until after I take my meds and I start to feel drowsy. I can't really control myself in the evenings, I sometimes don't even remember if I've eaten the night before or not. It's a vicious circle because I feel very depressed after I binge, witch leads to restricting and anxiety, which means I certainly can't stop taking my meds that lead to binging. Sometimes I drink to avoid eating. My mother is taking the same anxiety medication for other reasons and has reported that she too over-eats too much after taking them, even though there's no history of ED with her as far as I know.
This situation has been going for almost a year, I think. Time seems to just slip away, my problems blend into an anxious ritual. I know food has always been a tool for me, I've either eaten too much or restricted heavily as a way to suppress my feelings.
I hope to be able to go back to school or get a job in near future, but it's so hard. I try to feel good enough to treat myself well, but I know I can't cope without my medication. I almost want to give into all my illness because this circle seems so hopeless. I'm a disappointment to my parents, even my sisters have somehow managed to rebuild they're lives. I have friends but I hurt them so much. I hate myself for ruining my boyfriend’s life. Most days I don't even leave the house, or change out of my nightgown. I'm a waste of space.
Even now, when I write this, I seem to lose track of time. A noise in my head ponders if I should go back to sleep, although I've only been up for a few hours. Or maybe I should get drunk, or cut myself.
I really do feel hopeless at times.
~ Niina"
I know there's been some problems with my sisters when they were younger. My sisters mostly did well in school, maybe rebelled a little but all in all made my parents proud. Ours was a loving home, although maybe a bit chaotic. I was a happy child, a tomboy, a bit weird, but had a couple of friends and that made me happy enough.
I don't know if I would have stayed that way if tragedy hadn't struck. One of my sisters got in an accident. We weren't sure if she'd make it. Severely handicapped and depressed from that, my sister seemed a whole different person, angry at her disabilities, often yelling and crying. I was so young that she actually scared me at times.
Lightning never strikes twice, right? Wrong. Years later, when I was eight, she got in another accident and passed away. I didn't know how to cope. I felt humiliated when people pitied me and saw me cry. I shut off completely. I actually went without physically crying for years.
When puberty hit I hated it. I was an early bloomer and went through hell for it. The boys who were my only friends started taunting my breasts and widening hips. Adult men started to comment when I was barely 12. I've had volatile experiences in relationships with both men and women. I've been sexually assaulted more than once. Pretty soon I started dressing in black and loose clothes. Despite all this I was always an excellent student, and got picked on because of that too.
By the time I was 13 I was cutting myself daily. I had a small circle of friends, most of them deemed odd too. I was the weirdo and freak even among them. I had realized that the more I stood out, the less people actually paid attention. I was loud, no-one listened. I acted out, no-one noticed. I was surrounded by people but always alone.
(From Niina's collection)
Even physically I've always been different. I'm barely 5 ft, very pale with pale hair and a very curvy figure. I've always wanted to be petite but I'm not. I have wide hips and big breasts and broad shoulders.
At 14, I stopped eating for a while. I lost something like 40 pounds in a matter of weeks. I lost half my hair. It hasn't grown back since. They forced me to eat and were happy when my anorexia seemed to vanish and my weight piled back on. Truth was, it just turned to BED, which turned to EDNOS.
At the moment, I'm a 20-year-old girl living with a roommate and my boyfriend. They keep me alive. I've never learned how to eat properly. I abuse alcohol and drugs at times. I hate my body because of all the scars, the fat, the thinning hair. I'm not working or studying at the moment because of severe depression and insomnia, and I'm still stuck in a vicious circle. EDNOS has more or less turned into bulimia by this point. I don't binge or purge every day, but a couple of times a week at least. My roommate especially hates me purging, and I'm constantly scared of getting caught. I can't talk about my problems to her because she doesn't know how to react with anything else than despise, and not to my boyfriend because he seems happy being ignorant. Being somewhat obese, I'm trying to lose some weight but it's really hard balancing between ED and sensible dieting.
(from Niina's collection)I'm currently on a high dose of antidepressants as well as medication for severe anxiety. I also have some sleeping pills I have to use quite regularly. Ironically I usually binge because of my pills. Most of the time I eat sensibly until after I take my meds and I start to feel drowsy. I can't really control myself in the evenings, I sometimes don't even remember if I've eaten the night before or not. It's a vicious circle because I feel very depressed after I binge, witch leads to restricting and anxiety, which means I certainly can't stop taking my meds that lead to binging. Sometimes I drink to avoid eating. My mother is taking the same anxiety medication for other reasons and has reported that she too over-eats too much after taking them, even though there's no history of ED with her as far as I know.
This situation has been going for almost a year, I think. Time seems to just slip away, my problems blend into an anxious ritual. I know food has always been a tool for me, I've either eaten too much or restricted heavily as a way to suppress my feelings.
I hope to be able to go back to school or get a job in near future, but it's so hard. I try to feel good enough to treat myself well, but I know I can't cope without my medication. I almost want to give into all my illness because this circle seems so hopeless. I'm a disappointment to my parents, even my sisters have somehow managed to rebuild they're lives. I have friends but I hurt them so much. I hate myself for ruining my boyfriend’s life. Most days I don't even leave the house, or change out of my nightgown. I'm a waste of space.
Even now, when I write this, I seem to lose track of time. A noise in my head ponders if I should go back to sleep, although I've only been up for a few hours. Or maybe I should get drunk, or cut myself.
I really do feel hopeless at times.
~ Niina"
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Wednesday, February 17, 2010
MALLORY'S STORY: "MY LIFE DIDN'T BEGIN WITH BULIMIA AND DIDN'T END WHEN I GOT HELP..."
Mallory"I've read and read your blog, it's a fantastic tool for people who can't get help or who are just starting to take those steps.
I believe there truly is life after Ed, and I know that people who struggle with eating disorders read what is on your blog. It's so hard to see ahead of you when you're consumed with an eating disorder. I didn't believe that life could go on normally without it, but hearing other peoples' stories who are in recovery really helped me.
I was holding my grandmother's hand as she passed away. It shattered my heart, and I don't think I'll ever get over that completely. I remember when I was in rehab for my bulimia, she sent me cards and I spoke to her on the phone. She was so proud of me just for getting help and taking the steps to fight something that had become bigger than me. She taught me that life is worth fighting for and living, and watching her slip away made me realize how precious life truly is.
I believe there truly is life after Ed, and I know that people who struggle with eating disorders read what is on your blog. It's so hard to see ahead of you when you're consumed with an eating disorder. I didn't believe that life could go on normally without it, but hearing other peoples' stories who are in recovery really helped me.
I was holding my grandmother's hand as she passed away. It shattered my heart, and I don't think I'll ever get over that completely. I remember when I was in rehab for my bulimia, she sent me cards and I spoke to her on the phone. She was so proud of me just for getting help and taking the steps to fight something that had become bigger than me. She taught me that life is worth fighting for and living, and watching her slip away made me realize how precious life truly is.
Mallory on her 23rd birthday, a few months agoBulimia is such a selfish, selfish disease. I didn't start knowing that I was going to be bulimic and almost die - all I knew was that I could control it, I could hurt when I wanted to or release when I wanted to.
And after a while, it wasn't control at all that I had; I was seriously drowning when I thought I was swimming. It hurts everybody around you. It's ridiculous. I was admitted and hospitalized, I overdosed twice on vodka and sleeping pills. My brother found me and drove me to the hospital the second time. He's my baby brother, but was so strong when I wasn't. It was my worst fear when I was purging, that one of my brothers would be the one who found me when I died from cardiac arrest or when my esophagus or stomach ruptured from binging and purging up to 5 times a day, every day. I was convinced I was supposed to die from it, so I just beat it to the punch. For months, my mother wouldn't leave me home alone because she was so afraid of losing me.
From all the bad things that happened, many good things have come, too. My life didn't begin with bulimia and didn't end when I got help. I am engaged, and he's the most wonderful person I've ever met. I thought that I needed to be skinny or perfect to have a guy, but this is so not the case. He's seen me at my most imperfect, selfish, messy, depressed moments and loves me completely and unconditionally. If I'm having a hard day, he asks, "What do you need from me?" And I can tell him. I didn't need bulimia to find him.
I have a fiancee, an apartment, college credits (I'm going back to finish my degree next semester), a life and I didn't need bulimia to get any of those things. And if I slip up or make a mistake, bulimia won't take any of those things away again. Unless I let it. I obsessed and obsessed on the negative and those thoughts automatically moved toward bulimia and depression instead of the positive in my life.
And after a while, it wasn't control at all that I had; I was seriously drowning when I thought I was swimming. It hurts everybody around you. It's ridiculous. I was admitted and hospitalized, I overdosed twice on vodka and sleeping pills. My brother found me and drove me to the hospital the second time. He's my baby brother, but was so strong when I wasn't. It was my worst fear when I was purging, that one of my brothers would be the one who found me when I died from cardiac arrest or when my esophagus or stomach ruptured from binging and purging up to 5 times a day, every day. I was convinced I was supposed to die from it, so I just beat it to the punch. For months, my mother wouldn't leave me home alone because she was so afraid of losing me.
From all the bad things that happened, many good things have come, too. My life didn't begin with bulimia and didn't end when I got help. I am engaged, and he's the most wonderful person I've ever met. I thought that I needed to be skinny or perfect to have a guy, but this is so not the case. He's seen me at my most imperfect, selfish, messy, depressed moments and loves me completely and unconditionally. If I'm having a hard day, he asks, "What do you need from me?" And I can tell him. I didn't need bulimia to find him.
I have a fiancee, an apartment, college credits (I'm going back to finish my degree next semester), a life and I didn't need bulimia to get any of those things. And if I slip up or make a mistake, bulimia won't take any of those things away again. Unless I let it. I obsessed and obsessed on the negative and those thoughts automatically moved toward bulimia and depression instead of the positive in my life.
A photo collage made by a friend of Mallory'sIn the past three years, I haven't been perfect. But do you know how freeing it is to go from every second of life being dictated by food and purging and restricting to just enjoying life in general? Yesterday, I let it get the best of me, and for an hour, I was weak.
Today, I went out to dinner and played on the Wii with my guy. One day or mistake doesn't dictate who you are, and I'm the first to do something wrong and be like, "I'm a TOTAL failure!" It's a process and when you make a mistake, it's just time to move on instead of obsess and dwell. My fiancee told me it's kinetic energy - it's easy to sit and be depressed, but once you start moving, the hardest part is over, and you can keep going. You just gotta find the strength to pick yourself up.
I bookmarked your site and plan to check it out often to kind of keep myself in check.
Btw, I don't mind if you use my email and name. I think it's wonderful that people can email you, and if somebody is feeling weak, I would rather them have somebody to email and ask questions to rather than be alone with the thoughts.
Today, I went out to dinner and played on the Wii with my guy. One day or mistake doesn't dictate who you are, and I'm the first to do something wrong and be like, "I'm a TOTAL failure!" It's a process and when you make a mistake, it's just time to move on instead of obsess and dwell. My fiancee told me it's kinetic energy - it's easy to sit and be depressed, but once you start moving, the hardest part is over, and you can keep going. You just gotta find the strength to pick yourself up.
I bookmarked your site and plan to check it out often to kind of keep myself in check.
Btw, I don't mind if you use my email and name. I think it's wonderful that people can email you, and if somebody is feeling weak, I would rather them have somebody to email and ask questions to rather than be alone with the thoughts.
- Mallory"
If you would like to contact Mallory her email address is frostbitten186@yahoo.com
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Monday, February 15, 2010
IS KENDRA WILKINSON'S HEAD ON THE WRONG BODY?
So I'm looking at the above picture of Kendra Wilkinson from the February issue of OK Magazine, holding her new baby (whose head is almost the same size as hers), and something seems amiss with Kendra's head and neck.
So off I go on a search for another picture of her, hopefully taken in February, and, bingo, I find this one from a party she was at on February 13th, 2010 in Las Vegas:
After comparing the two, I was shocked! Kendra appears to be a victim of body-snatching in the bikini shot. I hope she puts out an APB on that body of hers. Someone's stolen it. Maybe OK Magazine will offer a reward for its return.
So if you've just had a baby and don't look like Kendra in the first photo, don't sweat it. Kendra doesn't either.
Links:
Kendra-Wilkinson--Hank-Baskett-Party-Eve-Nightclub-Vegas
Kendra's Bikini Body After Baby
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MEDUSA'S STORY: IT'S TIME FOR ME TO SAY GOODBYE ... [UPDATED FEBRUARY 15, 2010]
I have tears in my eyes as I type this. I'm completely overwhelmed by the comments and e-mails I've received since the posting of my farewell below. I am truly humbled and honoured.
After mulling over my decision to close my blog, I've decided to carry on. How could I not with such wonderful people supporting me?
So to you all, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Posting will resume tonight :^)
~ Medusa
xoxoxoMy original post:
While at work yesterday morning, I decided to check my home e-mail. This is what I found as a comment awaiting for approval:
Dear Medusa,I follow your blog on a daily basis. I have already emailed you privately once or twice.Well any way I'm not writing because I want to help myself (I have already done all that I can do for myself and I'm 44 years old and I'm still messed up with eating disorders). But I do want to let some of the girls who are starting to try to get help that in order for help to work you have to have a good support system. I never had that and I don't think I will live through the day so I hope this gets posted and someone listens. Don't think every therepist or shink gives a shit about you. They are in business to make money and you are a money sign to them. HELP YOURSELF as much as you can before you end up 44 like me and still have to many eating disorders to deal with.NEVER START THAT FIRST DIET. My mother put me on a diet at 6 years of age and it has been a slow ride to destruction for me. Right now I am beyond help and it is too late for me but it won't be for you if you never start that first diet.I have gotten help and I had been going to therapy for this illness but I do not have the strength to make any efforts any more. The last straw was yesterday when I had an appointment with my therapist and she never showed up for the third time this month. It is no longer that easy for me to make arrangements for someone to watch my kids while I go to a non exhistant appointment (I had three appointments that were all cancelled at the last minute. No one called to let me know and I ended getting there and then finding out). When you are 44 with kids this bullsh** can get expensive and there are no other therapists in my area so I guess I'm SOL. In fact when I got to the office I was laughed at and made to fell like an idiot that I even came. So you need to help yourself. I have been trying to get help from other sources for 30 years now and and I do not have the strength to fight this anymore. I have never given up like this though. I'm too weak to fight this and I don't understand why God (if there is one) has let me live this long. This is not a good life to have, all this pro ana bullsh** is messed up, but I do understand that most of these girls are like me and they want a way out with their "pro Ana" suicide pacts. Thats what they are, Suicide pacts. So at this point my children who are 8 & 9, I love them more than anything but they will be better off with a stable life other than watching mom throw up everything I eat on a daily basis. They think this is normal for me but it shouldn't be.Look I'm 44 and it is too late for me to try to find a new support system but for some of your readers it might not be.If you think your support system looks at you like you are the town freak, get the hell out of it find good help before you end up dying.
I'm ending my life today because it will be the best thing for my kids to have a stable mother and maybe father, They don't need to see any more of me standing over a toilet bowl or their mother cutting herself. I'm doing this for them. In the long run it will be the best thing.I don't want to be on this earth anymore, I feel like I'm just taking up to much space. I'm not scared of death. I have gotten past that point already.So right now I'm geting tired from the pills I took so I'm going to log off now but I'm going to say it one more time to anyone who truelly wants recovery. Stay off the "pro ana" sites and get a support system that cares and for christ's sake, never start that first diet.Peace out,(name removed) (too tired of fighting) "
(bolding mine)
As I quickly scanned the comment, the two bolded phrases above jumped out at me.
I realized, by the time of the comment, that 45 minutes had passed since the comment had been sent.
I frantically picked up the phone and called Google's headquarters in Seattle to see if they could trace the commenter's IP address as the only IP that shows up in comments is Google's. Google's office didn't open for another hour, so I left an urgent message on their voicemail system, asking that the IP address be traced so that the commenter's location could be ascertained and the appropriate police department notified.
Not knowing if Google would respond to me, I checked out the Followers of my blog and discovered that the person who sent me the comment "followed" my blog. Thankfully, she has her own blog, and when I clicked on her Profile, her location in the US came up.
I then phoned the Police Department in her town, who passed me on to the County Sheriff's Office. I spoke with the dispatcher there, told her about the comment, gave her as much information as I could, begged that officers be sent right away to the commenter's home, and asked that someone at their office call me if they were able to reach her in time. My fear was that her two little girls would find their mom dead when they got home from school.
And then I waited...and waited...and waited. Nothing. Nothing from the Sheriff's Office. Nothing from Google. Nothing.
I slept little last night. When I got up this morning, I phoned the Sheriff's Office. Explained again what happened yesterday to the person who answered the phone. After checking their records, she confirmed that officers had been dispatched to the commenter's home yesterday and that the commenter was okay...but she denied that she had sent that comment.
Her response to the officers I understand. Embarrassment, guilt, whatever.
The past 24 hours has been difficult for me. Frantic, anxious...in a turmoil. Is she alive? Did her 2 little girls find her dead?
Yesterday was an epiphany for me. I've come to the realization that, like Don Quixote, I'm tilting at windmills here with this blog.
Eating disorders will continue to thrive and kill, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. The only person who can do anything about it is you, the sufferer.
So with that, I say adieu to you all. It's been a ride.
~ Medusa
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Tuesday, February 9, 2010
JESSICA’S STORY: “A NEW HOPE THAT I WILL BE ABLE TO GLUE THE PIECES BACK TOGETHER…”
Beyond Broken by Jessica**
"I’ve been reading your posts for about a year now. I stumbled across your website by typing “pro ana” in Google. I have read many of the stories of others, their recovery and struggles and I never thought I would be one of them. But here I am, in the beginning of recovery from anorexia and bulimia.
I’ve been struggling with anorexia and bulimia for 9 years now. I’m 23 years old. I learnt how to make myself vomit from watching a soap on tv called “Home and Away.” I was 14.
I have been at war with my body since I was 11. I was sexually abused by my former step-father at that age and it went on for 2 years. Before that I was physically and emotionally abused by my father until I was 10. I have forgiven my father for the abuse even though he still denies it ever happened. The abuse, especially the sexual abuse made my very self-conscious and I absolutely hated myself.
My mother was emotionally abusive and made me responsible for my younger brother for the first 3 years of his life. We found out when he was 2 that he had Autism. So the constant stress made me turn to food as a means of control in my very out of control life. I was never fat and was very attractive to boys at my school. But for some reason I felt fat. That was my excuse to lose weight. So I starved, binged and purged my way to self-control and a sense of achievement.
I started cutting myself not long after I turned 14. My mum totally flipped when she saw the marks on my arms. But that didn’t deter me. I just found ways to hide the marks. The cutting got worse during my bouts of anorexia and bulimia. I did it to calm myself, to punish myself, to feel pain and to feel like I still existed. Like the eating disorder, I became addicted and did it on a daily basis.
My mum constantly threatened that if I didn’t eat she would take me to the hospital to be tube fed. That never happened. I became more secretive. I would skip breakfast and lunch, that was easy because I got up before my mum and she couldn’t monitor me at school. I would purge dinner in the shower. In 2006 I took my first of many overdoses. It landed me in the ICU on a respirator to help me breathe. Then I went to the psychiatric ward. That was hell. Every 6 months or so I would overdose again. I wanted to die. I hated my life and myself so much that I just wanted a permanent escape.
I relapsed about a month ago. Eating very little and purging whatever I ate. I lost 5kg in 4 weeks. But something snapped in me for the first time. I knew that if I kept doing this I would die. I don’t want to die. I have goals, aspirations for my life. I want to want to go back to university, finish my degree and then start a course in Veterinary Nursing. I want to get married and have children. I want to give something back to the world.
So I told my step mum and my dad that my eating disorder was back. I took the first step and broke the silence. My parents are wonderful. They have been so supportive. They don’t force me to eat and they make dinners that I’m able to handle and not want to purge. I see a psychologist and a psychiatrist on a regular basis and I’m going to see a dietician next week. I have forgotten how to eat normally. I have this horrible fear of gaining weight. But I know that if I take it one day at a time I will get through this.
I hope [my story] will inspire others to realise that even if you’ve had an eating disorder for so long, you can still overcome it and lead a long, happy life.
Jess"
** ”I created [this picture] a few years ago. It’s called Beyond Broken and at the time it represented a lot to me about how I felt about myself. These days I still feel the same, but I have a new hope that I will be able to glue the pieces back together with the support of professionals, friends and family.”
I’ve been struggling with anorexia and bulimia for 9 years now. I’m 23 years old. I learnt how to make myself vomit from watching a soap on tv called “Home and Away.” I was 14.
I have been at war with my body since I was 11. I was sexually abused by my former step-father at that age and it went on for 2 years. Before that I was physically and emotionally abused by my father until I was 10. I have forgiven my father for the abuse even though he still denies it ever happened. The abuse, especially the sexual abuse made my very self-conscious and I absolutely hated myself.
My mother was emotionally abusive and made me responsible for my younger brother for the first 3 years of his life. We found out when he was 2 that he had Autism. So the constant stress made me turn to food as a means of control in my very out of control life. I was never fat and was very attractive to boys at my school. But for some reason I felt fat. That was my excuse to lose weight. So I starved, binged and purged my way to self-control and a sense of achievement.
I started cutting myself not long after I turned 14. My mum totally flipped when she saw the marks on my arms. But that didn’t deter me. I just found ways to hide the marks. The cutting got worse during my bouts of anorexia and bulimia. I did it to calm myself, to punish myself, to feel pain and to feel like I still existed. Like the eating disorder, I became addicted and did it on a daily basis.
My mum constantly threatened that if I didn’t eat she would take me to the hospital to be tube fed. That never happened. I became more secretive. I would skip breakfast and lunch, that was easy because I got up before my mum and she couldn’t monitor me at school. I would purge dinner in the shower. In 2006 I took my first of many overdoses. It landed me in the ICU on a respirator to help me breathe. Then I went to the psychiatric ward. That was hell. Every 6 months or so I would overdose again. I wanted to die. I hated my life and myself so much that I just wanted a permanent escape.
I relapsed about a month ago. Eating very little and purging whatever I ate. I lost 5kg in 4 weeks. But something snapped in me for the first time. I knew that if I kept doing this I would die. I don’t want to die. I have goals, aspirations for my life. I want to want to go back to university, finish my degree and then start a course in Veterinary Nursing. I want to get married and have children. I want to give something back to the world.
So I told my step mum and my dad that my eating disorder was back. I took the first step and broke the silence. My parents are wonderful. They have been so supportive. They don’t force me to eat and they make dinners that I’m able to handle and not want to purge. I see a psychologist and a psychiatrist on a regular basis and I’m going to see a dietician next week. I have forgotten how to eat normally. I have this horrible fear of gaining weight. But I know that if I take it one day at a time I will get through this.
I hope [my story] will inspire others to realise that even if you’ve had an eating disorder for so long, you can still overcome it and lead a long, happy life.
Jess"
** ”I created [this picture] a few years ago. It’s called Beyond Broken and at the time it represented a lot to me about how I felt about myself. These days I still feel the same, but I have a new hope that I will be able to glue the pieces back together with the support of professionals, friends and family.”
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Monday, February 8, 2010
CRYSTAL'S STORY: "TEETERING ON THE BRINK..."
"Hi Medusa,
Firstly, thank you for your blog...it’s wonderful. I’ve just recently discovered it while struggling with my own topsy-turvy battle to NOT fall into ED.
I teeter on the edge of Binge Eating Disorder. I thus far am able to keep it in check but it’s hard. It stems from my mother's own ED and having grown up watching my mother in all her ANA glory, so to speak. Maybe some day she will get help. Or maybe she will simply fade away.
All I know is that in my fight to never be a bones-are-beauty girl, I fell the other way and eat until it hurts, never denying a morsel. Not always. Most days I carefully control without restricting. I'm on the edge of so many EDs it’s a dangerous life I lead. Fortunately, my love of chocolate and loathing of exercise saves me lol.
It’s funny because you posted beautiful pinup girls etc. before size zero. I find them perfect and beautiful, always have, but if it were me, I'd still be unsatisfied and want to lose. My mind is a jumble, tumbling thoughts, so many EDs thrashing through sense and sensibility to get to me. My barriers have not broken but bend and sway as branches in the wind....I look in a mirror and see disgusting fat.
I'm only 24. I have 2 children. I am with my soul mate who says I am beautiful, but I say where is the beauty? Where under this fat body is the beauty? It used to be there.... it can be again. But if I start, where will I stop? When I lose 20 lbs, will I be my mother and still see fat? I can't start the road away from binging to bury pain because I’m afraid to trigger ana. I know the demon mistress is hidden there…deep inside clawing to get out. Binge is stronger, Binge is protecting me. But who will protect me from myself?
Anyway, thanks for the inspirational blog. Your time to all of us suffering or those of us wishing our loved ones didn't suffer, or those who like me have an insatiable desire to understand it, means much.
Feel free to share if you want. Maybe someone else out there is as confused as me? Teetering on the brink of everything and nothing at all...or maybe in my insanity I am alone in it all.
All my love,
Crystal"
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Tuesday, February 2, 2010
SKIN & BONES: THE MODELS ON LOVE MAGAZINE'S FEBRUARY COVERS
Lara Stone(Click to enlarge all photos)
Gracing the 8 different covers of the February 2010 issue of Love magazine are models Lara Stone, Kate Moss, Naomi Campbell, Kristen McMenamy, Amber Valletta, Natalia Vodianova, Daria Webowy, and Jeneil Williams, all in their birthday suits.
Their nakedness reveals how shockingly thin these young women are. I can only imagine how many young girls will start starving themselves after seeing these photos.
Natalia Vodianova
Naomi Campbell
Lara Stone
Kristen McMenamy
Kate Moss
Jeneil Williams
Daria Werbowy
Amber Valetta(Photographs by Mert Alas & Marcus Piggott)
Photos link:
Highsnobiety
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BEFORE SIZE ZERO: THE WAY WE WERE...
Ursula Andress
Grace Kelly
Anita Ekberg
Ava Gardner
Ann-Margret
Elizabeth Taylor
Bettie Page
Racquel Welch
Brigitte Bardot
Jean Harlow
Farrah Fawcett
Jane Russell
Marilyn Monroe
Diana Dors
Jayne Mansfield
Mamie Van Doren
Sophia Loren
And now?
The Olsens by Jan Oliehoek
Link:
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