VELVET SCARLETT: AN UNFINISHED STORY...

More Colour, More Conflict by Velvet Scarlett

From Velvet Scarlett...

"I just stumbled across your website today (its Christmas day so I guess I should mention that first). After reading so many stories I feel I have found a 'safe' place... finally. Today is Xmas day and I haven't visited any ana sites etc. in a good 2 months. The reason? The first month my internet was down... the 2nd? My wonderful friend emz. The reason I am visiting now and stumbled across your website? I can not cope. It's the holidays and I can not see emz. I have work everyday which is so stressful (explain in a bit) and Christmas was not Christmas for me.

Normally my mum, dad, older sis and I go away for the Xmas week to somewhere else in the UK (I live near London) and I attempt to forget about everything but that’s probably because I throw myself into swimming 3 times a day on that week. This year we stayed at home cos I got a job. The run up to Xmas was a blur, all I did was go to 6th form college, work experience at a primary school, work (sales assistant), sleep and have baths. There was never time for eating, preparation for the holidays or anything like. So Christmas day came and it was just like any other day. So what? I had one present from mum, dad and sis (normally we gets loads) so that was weird but to be honest, I don't think having loads of presents would of changed how I feel. I draw a complete blank on my feelings and sense of reality. I am so confused inside and on the outside I just paint an average happy person so people don't notice the dying me inside. At work this is important but I find it really hard because my boss is always picking on me, blowing hot and cold. I don't know where I stand with her and that un-nerves me.

I have realized that I have not really introduced me/my story yet... so.... I am currently 16yrs old 5'9 with a bmi of 16. I would not class myself as anorexic but I know deep down I have issues but I choose to ignore. My response to friends/family pleas to eat normally/your killing yourself: *lash out* I don't like it, I won't eat it. I know I won’t live past 50, I never intended to. I recently refused the cervical cancer jab because of my attitude with dying... if I get cancer, I will refuse treatment. Plus I am needle phobic/faint in hospital like situations.

I started secondary school at age 11 and had bum length hair. I was not 'cool' and did not know anyone. I started off with the popular girls but after a few weeks they soon realized I didn't know enough about what they did and I was dropped. I floated for a bit and made friends with sam. She was a large girl who was in my form and got on my bus... that meant we had ages to talk. We started out happy-go-lucky until November when my 17-year-old cousin died of cancer. I was devastated as she was my 'favorite', I looked up to her, I wanted to be her. People said we looked the same and now I was worried people would look at me and just think of her. I couldn't cope with the grief. The moment I heard she was dead? I was in the kitchen washing up grapes and apples for me and my sister to take to school when dad answered the phone. I knew straight away what it was about and I just walked off. Ever since I can’t eat grapes/apples. They just utterly repulse me.

When I got back from the funeral I don't remember much. But somehow at school I got talking with sam, becci and camille (we became a tight group) and I discovered that sam and camille self harmed. At the time it was alien to me but after a while I understood, I was there for them. But I wasn't strong enough and saw it as a way to cope... the first time I ever self harmed? I was with becci, we just finished maths class and we went into the 'chlorine' toilets and we both cut our arms. She did it lightly and moaned that I had done it so hard but I didn't care, the pain was a relief to me and I enjoyed it. We went onto the field to meet the others and then quickly realized what we had done. They told us off and I felt so ashamed but at the same time I didn't care, I liked it too much. (Revisiting those toilets now gives me a ghost like playback of this... I can’t go there no more)

The self harming quickly spiraled and soon we would cut throughout the day. One day in science though the other three didn't show to school. I truly believed they had committed suicide. As time passed by (I tried calling each of them one after the other on a continuous loop) one girl sarah (becci's childhood best friend who was also in our form) convinced me that maybe they had just run away but she didn't understand the extent of the pain they were going through. Eventually they did show and they were ok. I remember telling my form tutor one day about those three self harming and they were sent to the school nurse... camille saw it as betrayal, we were no longer friends. Sam and becci however never found out I told on them and we carried on strong. We still self harmed but not as much. We turned our attention to smoking and drinking in the school loo's with the older girls. We never got caught. This wasn't enough though and I quickly introduced them to taking pills (pain relief etc. aka clean drugs) and soon we would chase a fag, with a couple of pills and a drink every 3 hours or so. One day I had to struggle to hold sam up in class but do you know what? We never got caught and that thrill spurred me on. The others stopped the pill taking but I had found a new haven, my self harming (cutting) reduced whilst the others did the opposite. We experienced many fallings out over those months. Somehow I found out that sam was bulimic and although I have a phobia of sick, the food way of coping fascinated me but I never considered it at that point.

Somewhere in that mess above I attempted suicide by drowning in which I nearly succeeded if it weren't for some higher power that lifted me out.... I believe that that power was God (I am Christian) but the strange thing was afterwards I called camille for support even though I knew I wouldn't find it there. To this day I do not understand that phone call. But the haunting of that attempt is still strong even though my bathroom was redecorated completely.

So the eating.... I don't really remember how it started except I was angry that I forgot my cousin’s anniversary of her death, I was constantly in rows at home and friends were complicated. The pills were still on and the cutting increased slowly. I was depressed, un-sociable. I felt alone. Confused as to where my perfect life had gone and desperate. I remember locking myself in the bathroom and completely breaking down. I guess I started to reduce what I ate because I didn't feel hungry as I was so depressed. but in addition, in my perfect world I was 6 stone and I thought I still was, but one day my period started (start of yr 9) and I found out I weighed over 10 stone nearly 11. I silently freaked inside and I think that those numbers shook my confidence more than ever. Double figures was not something I could cope with.

Normal food became replaced with chewing gum. I would eat on average 10 pieces a day.... it felt good. I think I must have looked at the scales but I don't really remember, the days were hazy with the not eating, pills and cutting. During the holidays though I would binge and without meaning to I would be sick as my body would reject it. I had mixed feelings about this and it’s something I try not to remember but as I said.... memories are strong and I still replay the first day this occurred.

As time went on me and sam grew apart, becci and I warred a lot and sometimes I was on my own completely. Then in year 11 a new girl came, an ex anorexic and we hit it off straight away... not because of the ana but our personalities (both loud when we can manage it). Life seemed to be better and I think I stopped harming myself but the eating was still not right. I was a very fussy eater and would cut out as many meals as I could.

In Feb. 09 I was ana obsessed and as I was still 'fat' (at about a bmi of 19) I would not admit that I was ana. Anyway... I ran every night and I relished the pounds dropping off. Me and becci passed notes during gcse lessons but I never really admitted how I was feeling which was I couldn't cope with the gcses and I wanted to run away. I had a crush on her (yes, I think I am bi but that’s another story) but I missed my chance with her and she was going out with emz. (me and emz were kinda friends, I hung out with her when I fell out with the others, we got on but she didn't know about the mess I was in). Anyway, they broke up and I didn't know who to side with but I went with becci... mistake. Well I didn't know that till I started 6th form.

Anyway, results were good and I looked forward to starting yr 12. I was job hunting but hadn't found anything. I was heavy on the pill popping and still a fussy eater but that was it. Then a few weeks in I quickly realized I couldn't cope with as work and being 'perfect'. Me and emz got moved to a smaller media group away from the others and we soon clicked. Since then I have spent many days texting her, bunking off school with her, smoking, cutting, pill popping and not eating (well little as I can get away with). My grades are slowly dropping and I have exams in January :( my weight is constantly dropping... my mum notices this and we row all the time.

Emz has noticed and she cares too much to see me destroy everything (she is in recovery of sorts) and is trying to help me. It works when I am with her everyday cos I don't want to let her down. I love her (again... can’t really define the love part here because I didn't fancy her but as we got closer, my feelings increased. Now I can’t stop thinking about her every minute of the day but I don't think she feels the same but we are facebook 'married' because we are pretending to date to annoy becci... childish I know but I couldn't say no to being close with her). When I’m with her she helps me to go without cutting and pills for up to 6 weeks at a time. She helps with the withdrawal symptoms and can make me laugh so hard that I forget the shit. But now we are away from school and I can’t see her I am breaking down. I miss her, and to cope with that all I can think of is cut and take stuff... I haven't yet but I feel it’s not far away hence why I was surfing the net.

But where me and her run into difficulties is on the eating front. She tries to get me to eat a chip when we go for lunch but I can’t. I fight her and it’s 50/50 who wins. She tries to get me to eat but I can’t bring myself to. I switched from lemonade 2cal drink to sprite for her so I would get sugar to give me energy cos I walk so much and I manage the odd chocolate bar and jelly tots (I have a sweet tooth) but when it comes to normal food I am so stubborn. I am not like normal 'ana.' I hate fruit and vegetable. If I eat, it’s chicken or something unhealthy like chocolate, custard, jelly etc. however, I do occasionally have an urge for 'proper' food and pig out at McDonalds (I manage to keep the food down). But if I am busy I will forget about food. I only eat if I really have to and I am not ready to give up my control over this.

I realize I have a problem, but stamping down on the pills and cutting is giving up enough power. I like those numbers falling, being the skinniest girl is what I want (at primary school I was naturally the skinniest but I was bullied all the time so maybe that contributed to all of this). I can not give it up now, and it kills me because I am disappointing emz, and I can see the rebel I have become and my perfect life is fast slipping away.

If I fail these exams in January, that will set alarm bells ringing among my teachers and parents and I know I will be forced to tell the truth. I am afraid of the truth. I lie to most people to create a perfect me. (This email is the truth though) I lie to the doctors when I have pains to get the pills and I cannot stop. My head is confused, it can’t take anymore emotion but I know I need help but I can’t seek professional.

Writing this now is a stretch because I am arguing with myself whether or not to send it. I am crazy and I know it but I won't admit it as such and seek help because I cannot give up the 'control' I have.

so that’s me and my story so far.............
love ***I"

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