Kate's e-mail to me...
"I've been thinking about writing to you for a long time, but Arielle's Mantra was so powerful and true that I thought I'd just do it now. I'm not a native speaker of the English language, so please excuse weird expressions or spelling mistakes.
I am a twenty-year-old student from Germany and have been the odd one out since... well, since always. Never was one of the skinny children, never was very feminine or adjusted. I just kinda did my thing, and that was fine. Until someone knocked on my door, and this someone was Mr. Puberty.
Now, Mr.Puberty decided to give me large hips due to my Spanish ancestors, also a very rebellious mind and a loud voice to go with that. Which is definitely not bad from where I stand now, but imagine being the only one like that. So the bullying at school started. Along with my taste of music, my style changed and that made me even more of an outsider to my peers - I was literally the black sheep.
And thank you Mr. Puberty, thank you DNA, somewhere along the way I developed depression and eventually attempted to kill myself at the age of 16.
Then the genius who called himself shrink fancied the idea of medicating me instead of talking to me, and since cutting myself was now forbidden I went numb. There's really no other way of putting it. Everything around me just happened, and I was somewhere in there, hands tied to my back.
Before my suicide attempt I had put on a little weight, about 6 lbs to be precise. Nothing from my view now. And my mother had nothing else to do than to tell me how I would feel better if I lost that weight again. (Note to self: Remember your mom used to be bulimic when you were a child the next time she says how fat you've gotten) So I lost that weight. And there, I felt something again! Compliments aren't exactly an emotion, but it's pretty close.
So Why stop?, I thought and got really thin, lollypop-thin. Not pretty. Then, thanks to an ex-boyfriend, I gained back everything, and after he dumped me, even more. My anorexia/bulimia developed into binge-eating/ednos, but my thinking remained the same. Imagine that all you want is wasting away and all you do out of misery is eat. And eat more. I assure you, one hell of a blast I had there.
This didn't really change for a long time, until maybe 2 months ago. I don't know what it was, a good friend maybe, maybe my wounds healing, maybe something greater. Something in my mind clicked, and I wondered: What's so wrong with being closer to Scarlett Johansson than to Kate Moss? And I really couldn't think of an answer.
So here's the deal:
No matter what comes your way, keep going.
If you're lucky and strong enough, you take it as a challenge.
But it is not until you decide to do something that things change.
I wasted half of my youth on being miserable, and it's only now that I see what I missed.
Yes, you might not feel that way, but you ARE able to fight.
You just have to believe and start.
And then keep going.
I still often stand in front of the mirror and think how great I would look if I lost 30lbs, but my life was nothing when I was thin. I was nothing.
Now I am a radiating, almost happy woman.
Yeah, I'm still not exactly self-confident, but it's the moments when I say "You know what? I don't care." that make me truly proud.
Like Arielle said: It IS possible.
Kate"
(((Kate))) Thanks so much for writing and for sharing your poignant & inspirational story. Sincerest best wishes on your recovery.
~ Medusa
Link to image:
http://dollopsoflight.com/contents/media/believe_in_yourself.jpg
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3 comments:
another great post and so much strength to you and Arielle to share and help others. Ed is so powerful and so draining and so evil and so debilitating.
Recovery is so attainable, so powerful, so fulfilling, and so worth life to be lived!
((hugs))
Brandee
Thank you so so much for posting this.
One thing I didn't say in my mail was that your blog, dear Medusa, was definitely a turning point for me, too. It was while reading it that I realized for the first time that what I do is actually potentially deadly. And pretty gross.
So thanks again.
And Brandee, your comment means a lot to me.
All the best to everyone reading this, stay strong!
Kate
The comments from people that you have on your blog are heartbreaking. I was anorexic in college, and recovered. I got married, ran marathons, and gave birth to two beautiful babies. For some reason this summer(my twins were eighteen months) the ED thoughts started to creep back in. I had an anxiety attack over trying to eat/not eat a bowl of cereal. After searching the web, I saw your site, and I remembered how sad my life was during the time that I had an eating disorder. I could see the road that this eating disorder would lead me down if I decided to take it and let it back in. It's always hard, and the voice is always there in some capacity(which irritates the heck out of me!)but I know I have to stay strong. I worry about the world when I think about my daughter. Now that I have a daughter, I can only imagine how my mom felt seeing me starve myself to death. Anyway, thank you for this blog! Anytime I need a dose of reality I come here!
Amy
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