Death due to neurogenic shock following gastric rupture in an anorexia nervosa patient*
"Take notice of her position, the discoloring of her limbs and her stomach.
She was 19 and had anorexia and bulimia for 5 years.
Died at 5' 1" (155cm) and 94 lbs (43kg) after her stomach ripped after eating 5.6 liters (pic of stomach contents) of food.
Case notes:
She was in full rigor mortis - which is present from 12-72 hours. The bruises set the time frame at around 8+ hours.
Her eyes had clouded, which happens at progressively from about 2 -4 hours on.
If you look really closely at her stomach, you can see a greenish tint, which is a typical sign of her internal organs decaying - called livor mortis. I think this process may have been accelerated as her insides were digested since it normally takes a few days to set in.
The bruises called for the autopsy. Because of her position when her stomach exploded, it spilled all its contents into her body cavity. The blood and food settled around her anus and vagina and caused what looked like "fresh bruises." So to rule out sexual [assault, etc.], they had to autopsy.
When they did the autopsy, they found that her stomach had been extended from where your ribs meet each other all the way to her pubic bone, right behind that pad of fat above the genitals (mons pubis). And her stomach had a large rip in it...
She also had some other abnormalities going on. Her heart was small and displayed typical characteristics of a starving heart - destroyed muscles and dead immune cells (lipofuscin bodies).
Her brain had swelled, my guess due to the massive increase in blood flow after her stomach ruptured - it had started to squeeze out her skull before she died.
She also had evidence of focal pneumonia in her lungs - not really surprising as starvation hurts the immune response to viruses.
Like a typical binger, her stomach was dying before it ripped. What I mean is that every time we binge our stomachs expand, if they expand far enough, the vessels supplying them blood are crushed - cutting off the blood supply to that area, killing the tissue. That area is weakened and the next binge of that caliber becomes more dangerous. Purging just adds fuel to the fire by increasing stomach pressure above and beyond the natural level.
But believe it or not the ruptured stomach didn't kill her. A natural reaction did.
When the stomach exploded, her body responded with a typical immune reaction. It dilated her blood vessels, her blood pressure dropped, she blacked out, and her heart slowed down and stopped. They also did a tox screen and found nothing. Potassium levels are obviously of no use as when you die potassium leaks out of your cells.
"...her stomach ripped after eating 5.6 liters [picture above] of food."Another things to note about this. Back in the 1800s, they determined that the stomach should only be able to hold 4 liters of stuff (by filling corpses). To surpass this, we have to adapt our stomach sizes - resulting in gastric dilatation.
Ruptures via overfilling the stomach appear along the lesser curvature of the stomach, whereas vomiting induced ruptures normally occur along the greater curvature and fundus (the top of the stomach) - it's unusual that her stomach ripped how it did, right down the front.
Apart from the intellectual value of the report it does illustrate an important point - the endpoint of these diseases is very ugly.
There is no glamour or beauty spending your last living moments over a toilet."
*References:
Lähde I. Sinicina, , H. Pankratz, A. Büttner and G. Mall
Institute of Legal Medicine, Ludwig-Maximilians-University, Frauenlobstraße 7a, D-80337 Munich, Germany
Received 26 March 2004; accepted 26 October 2004. Available online 13 December 2004.
Abstract:
"We report a case of fatal gastric rupture discovered after death, which developed due to a bulimic attack of a 19-year-old woman suffering from anorexia nervosa. An autopsy revealed an acute gastric dilatation and rupture without commonly observed ischemic damage of gastric wall structures. However, it may be difficult to determine the cause of death despite the marked findings. The death as a consequence of neurogenic shock accounts for all the results of gross examination and histologic analysis. This case is the first reported case of fatal gastric rupture of an anorectic patient discovered after death."
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I have been so scared of this happening to me. I am a healthy weight now but I still binge and purge. I have been losing weight again but this post has really scared me into contiuing with my treatment. The sick thing is that when I was 19, 28kgs and binging on at least a kilo of food at the time I was down at my local hospital in a small town begging for help and they told me they couldn't do anything for (me by the way health care is free in Australia). I have since moved to the city and the support is unbelievable. The problem is the support we are not getting when we are litteraly calling out for help. Thank you so much. I have been dissassociated from the world the past week but now I remember the pain I am getting my self in to. Bless you medusa.
{{{anonymous}}}
I wish I could reach through my computer monitor and give you a great big hug. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I'm so happy you moved to the city where you found support and treatment for your ED.
The statistics showing the number of people who die from gastric rupture from binging and purging are alarming.
Please continue with your treatment, anonymous. I know you can beat this binge-purge cycle.
Sending positive, healing thoughts your way...
Hugs,
Medusa
OH. MY. GOD.
I couldn't look at this picture without feeling ill. I am terrified that will be me someday. I've been anorexic/bulimic for 9 yrs now, and I'm losing hope. At the age of 20, I weighed 57lbs, basically like the photos of Aimee from Dr Phil. Thanks to a great team of doctors who were not even ED specialists, I survived that phase of my disorder. (There were no places in ED programmes for me at the time. I live in Canada where the treatment is free but the waiting lists are horrendous.)
Since then I have been everything from slightly underweight to slightly overweight, as the bulimia (and just binge eating) took hold. If you had told that emaciated young woman (me) of 3 yrs ago that she would be verging on overweight, she wouldn't have believed you. My natural weight is in the 105 to 110 range, I feel most comfortable around 80 and I'm now about 130. Like the girl in this photo, I eat to the point of pain, sometimes until I can't breathe properly. What is most terrifying is that I have begun to eat without throwing up, and that's why i've gone from 100 to 130 in about a month.
Thank you for posting this photo. It's disgusting and alarming, but necessary.
~ Katja
(((Katja))) Thanks so much for sharing your story and for your comments. I can't imagine how difficult it would be to face the struggles which you are dealing with daily. My heart goes out to you.
I am Canadian too and am so frustrated at how difficult it is to get ED treatment here. Aimee Moore, who lives in Stratford, Ontario, is currently in treatment in Alabama because no facility in Canada is able to treat her. What a sad state of affairs this is.
Please don't give up or lose hope, Katja. There is help out there.
There is a great Canadian ED website called We Bite Back. It has great resources and a forum for members who are battling EDs. Please think about joining it as the members there are wonderful and so supportive.
Here is the link to the website:
http://www.webiteback.com/
Take care, Katja. Please keep in touch and let me know how you're doing. Sending hugs and healing thoughts your way...
~ Medusa
Thank you for the link; we need more places of support online.
One thing I wanted to add, and this may sound horrible, but in some small way it helps me just to get it out there... Sometimes I wish I could just go back to the way I was when I was in the anorexic phase of my disorder. In the years before all the medical problems started, I wore it as a "badge of honour" and there are times when I miss it so much. That's sick, isn't it?
It's just that bulimia and/or compulsive eating seem so much more shameful. Our society is conditioned to be repelled by lack of control with food and by excess weight. Of course being overweight is unhealthy, but those of us with EDs glorify emaciation, even when it's just as or even more unhealthy.
It's so hard to deal with my current situation. Being thin meant I was in control; in my mind those were my "happy days". Now I'm just weak and ashamed. If anything, this has taught me I truly have a problem and that it's the food that's controlling me, not the other way around.
Katja, you're very welcome for the link.
"One thing I wanted to add, and this may sound horrible, but in some small way it helps me just to get it out there..."
It doesn't sound horrible at all. Talking and writing is part of the healing process, and is a very positive step.
You are an eloquent and thoughtful writer, Katja. I hope you continue to write and share your experiences on your road to recovery.
All the very best to you...
Medusa
I just wanted to say a HUGE thank you again!
Webiteback is the most caring community of people I have ever encountered. I've been a member for less than a week and I'm wondering what I did before without all of them!!!
Thank you for pointing me towards a place where I feel more support than I have in a long time.
Many (((hugs))) to you! :)
Katja, you are so welcome!
I can't tell you how thrilled I am that you joined webiteback! It is such a fabulous site and I knew you would find friendship, support and encouragement there.
And thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kind words. Please keep in touch, Katja, and let me know how you're doing. I'm pulling for you, sweetie :^)
Hugs,
Medusa
I don't have an eating disorder, per se. I simply do not eat when stressed because I feel sick when I do - however I want to applaud you, Medusa. What you are doing in your blog here is wonderful and I pray that you succeed in reaching more people, girls like this need help.
(((Anonymous)))
Thank you so very much for your very kind comments.
I do hope that by reading of the deadly consequences of bulimia, anorexia, and other eating disorders those who are suffering from EDs will seek the professional help they so desperately need.
Again, anonymous, thanks SO much for taking the time to comment. I appreciate it so much.
thankyou so much. I really really appreciate this. =)
(((Sash)))
You're so welcome. Thank you so much for your comment.
xoxo
Mandi is my name and this website moved me because I am 5'5 and I way 287..I love to eat more than just about anything.I get a rush from it.Do any other ED's feel that way.I have been to OA meetings before and I just do not seem to understand them.I was molested as a child from my grandfather and I sometimes feel like if I get really really fat that no man will want to be with me or hurt me.I am sure that sounds crazy but I feel quite protected in that way.When i was growing up my mom used to tie up the pantry so I would not eat all the food.I was 8 when i started getting molested.i was eXstreamly mad at my Mom so I figured eating was fun no friend no fun just food.I am 29 now and the heavyist I have ever been.....
(((Mandi)))
Please believe me that you are not crazy. You are not alone, Mandi. Many who have been sexually molested overeat in an effort to make themselves sexually undesirable to the opposite sex.
There is a wonderful support site which I would recommend you join. It's called We Bite Back.
Many women who post there have experienced what you have gone through. I have recommended this site to others in the past and they have nothing but praise for the help they have received there. Please take a moment to check it out:
We Bite Back
I wish you all the very best. Please keep in touch, Mandi, and let me know how you're doing.
Hugs,
Medusa
I am always afraid of these things happening to me. I've been fighting Anorexia for many years now, and I have had quite a few scares. I'm always terrified that my next b/p will be the last, or that I'll fall down while on a run and be all alone.
This world is so scary - my world, more so than the real world.
Thank you for posting this
(((Sadie)))
I'm so sorry you're suffering so much and that your world is so scary.
I truly hope you'll be able to beat this thing, and wish you every success in your fight.
Take care, sweetie, and best wishes to you.
Medusa
Lau
I eat and eat and eat, but I dont throw up. I always wondered about the pain i was feeling during and after a bing the way my stomach hurt for days after ward and the way my muscles and joints and entire body felt soo week after wards. I wondered about these things and tried to deny that they were coused by my overeating. I even did reseach on the side-effects of overeating besides the obvuious weight-gain. Thank-you Medusa I need something like this story to be the clear proof that I need to stop doing this to myself before I become the girl in the picture.
I don't even know what to say to you Medusa or where to start. Well I am bipolar, I've been going on six-month extreme up and down cycles for over 10 years and I can pretty much plan my life around it and tell you exactly what will happen and when...
Well I'll go for my standard six months, eating an apple and 7 crackers a day...(this half of it I never have had a problem with because it makes me perfect size) but then I'll go into the binge eating for the opposite cycle, just eating to the point where I can barely breathe, I'm about to cry or pass out from the pain and my heart beats so hard I wonder if maybe I should be on the way to the ER... anyway, I've been along for the ride on this extreme cycle for a long, long time.
Now I pride myself on being strong, not a wimp in any way, won't ever turn away from anything gruesome... NEVER have I seen or read anything that affected me the way this story did... I felt like walls were spinning and closing in on me and I was shrinking in my seat. My mind just kept placing me into the picture, into her position. How sure she must have felt that it was just another binge and purge and that afterwards everything would be fine. What it must have felt like when it happened.
I've been crying and crying, can't stop, and going over this story over and over pretty much all night now... I think the fear of this story has pushed me to my edge and I DON'T EVER WANT TO STARVE OR BINGE AGAIN. I don't know if it's possible to get to a point where you can just stop all the sudden like that, but that's how I feel right now and it's all because of you and your blog.
Thank you SO MUCH for telling somehow the only story that's ever gotten through to me, and you have no idea what this means to me. I don't have the slightest clue where I go from here, but hopefully I can eventually find myself somewhere in the middle (instead of either at the top of Everest or in the darkest depths of hell). I will keep her picture and her story in the back of my mind for the rest of my life.
I don't even know what to say to you Medusa or where to start. Well I am bipolar, I've been going on six-month extreme up and down cycles for over 10 years and I can pretty much plan my life around it and tell you exactly what will happen and when...
Well I'll go for my standard six months, eating an apple and 7 crackers a day...(this half of it I never have had a problem with because it makes me perfect size) but then I'll go into the binge eating for the opposite cycle, just eating to the point where I can barely breathe, I'm about to cry or pass out from the pain and my heart beats so hard I wonder if maybe I should be on the way to the ER... anyway, I've been along for the ride on this extreme cycle for a long, long time.
Now I pride myself on being strong, not a wimp in any way, won't ever turn away from anything gruesome... NEVER have I seen or read anything that affected me the way this story did... I felt like walls were spinning and closing in on me and I was shrinking in my seat. My mind just kept placing me into the picture, into her position. How sure she must have felt that it was just another binge and purge and that afterwards everything would be fine. What it must have felt like when it happened.
I've been crying and crying, can't stop, and going over this story over and over pretty much all night now... I think the fear of this story has pushed me to my edge and I DON'T EVER WANT TO STARVE OR BINGE AGAIN. I don't know if it's possible to get to a point where you can just stop all the sudden like that, but that's how I feel right now and it's all because of you and your blog.
Thank you SO MUCH for telling somehow the only story that's ever gotten through to me, and you have no idea what this means to me. I don't have the slightest clue where I go from here, but hopefully I can eventually find myself somewhere in the middle (instead of either at the top of Everest or in the darkest depths of hell). I will keep her picture and her story in the back of my mind for the rest of my life.
Oh, Lauren, I wish I could give you a big hug right now.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It touched my heart.
There's a wonderful website called We Bite Back (http://www.webiteback.com/) There, in the forums, you will find many who have been stuggling like you who are receiving help from members there who have recovered from their EDs. The members know what you're going through and will help you on the road to recovery. Please take a moment to check out the site. I have referred many readers there who are suffering from EDs and they have told me the help they've received from the recovered members has made such a difference in their health and lives. And they've made many friends.
Please keep in touch and let me know how you're doing, Lauren. And thank you for your very kind words.
Thinking of you and sending positive, healing thoughts your way.
Hugs,
Medusa
xoxo
Thank you for sharing this story.. I'm so scared of this happening to me..how much is 5 litres of food,, I mean I can binge and have been binge/purging for years, and soon I'm seeing a specialist to help me recovery.
This story has reminded me that purging can actually make my stomach weaker and weaker.. you have made me want to recover so much more. Thank you so much.
Eileen, thanks so much for your very kind comments.
In answer to your question, 5.6 litres equals 6 quarts.
I wish you every success in your recovery.
Hugs,
Medusa
I didnt know so many things could happen to me. Your post has really made me think. I'm so scared now. I DONT To DIE that way!
I started out being diagnosed with anorexic. I had been struggling with that on and off since I was a teen. When I "got caught" I was watched by my parents (even though I'm 27) and had to report in to them and a really good friend of mine. I soon realized that I guess I needed to eat in front of them...but then I could "get rid of it"
I have since been dianosed with bulimia. I hate that word. HATE IT!
I dont binge I just "get rid" of everything that I eat. I hate that IT controls my life.
I will try harder and do the things my Doc and counselor has been wanting me to do.
Thanks for posting what you did. It tells the truth...and thats what I SO BADLY need.
i cant belive tha tragedy that happened 2 this poor girl i used 2 starve mself 2 tha point of collapse but now love bingin on chocolate and junk food went 2 tha anorexia clinic 2 day and still only weigh 40 kg and cant understand why this disease wont take me even though i will b leavin behind an 11 yr old son who i love 2 tha max but hate my life and cant cope with out my dear mum who passed away 3 yrs ago
(((Anonymous)))
My heart goes out to you. I wish you every success in recovering. Sending positive, healing thoughts your way.
Medusa
xoxo
babygirl171,
I can't get the picture out of my head of your 11-year-old son alone, crying over your coffin.
PLEASE get help. Your son needs his mom.
Medusa
Oh wow :|
I actually want to say thank you to you...? I am suffering with anorexia at the moment and have been on and off for 2 years now. I weigh 6 stone 4 and have a 25 inch waist.
I'm in therapy :( but this has REALLY scared me and has urged me forward into my recovery. Ana promises so much and so does Mia but they're so wrong and can suck you into nothing. THANK YOU SO SO SO MUCH...I REALLY THINK YOU JUST SAVED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! xxxxxxxxx
(((Anonymous)))
Thanks so much for your kind words.
Sending positive, healing thoughts to you and best wishes on your road to recovery.
Medusa
xoxo
I'm a pretty big girl 5'3 (~155 lbs.) I don't suffer from an eating disorder... but I do have a tendencies to binge and purge and fast.... although I know I'm too big to even qualify for danger.... seeing posts like this only remind me of the dangers. I'm a psychology minor, I read on this stuff all the time...
What my point is, posts like this simply remind... but there's only so much those reminders can do. It can't scare someone into stopping. I can see how many people have fallen into either disorders.... it's scary, but I know I'm not going to stop.
When I think back to my darkest days, I shudder at the thought of how close I could have come to meeting am untimely death such as this. I am in no way healed from anorexia-bulimia. I think my greatest fear is that if I start to eat a normal amount of calories, that I'll put on weight - due to decreased stomach elimination that purging has no doubt caused. I feel out of control. Know of any support groups in SE QLD, Australia?
I'm so pleased I found you Medusa! This story rang so true it scared me. This could be me in the future. I've always known I was damaging my body,but not actually realised how much until I saw the graphic evidence. It's given me a reason to stop now, rather than putting it off till tomorrow or the next day. There's always an excuse. I'm stressed, tired, upset...
Katja, your story touched me as I know exactly where you are coming from with the whole 'badge of honour thing'. I too started with anorexia before the bulimia took over. I'm now what's percieved as a healthy weight BMI 20, but I'm the most out of control and messed up I've ever been but feel like I was better as an anorexic cos at least then I felt entitled to have an ED. I'm so pleased I found like minded people after 6 years of suffering alone and pushing away those closest to me.
Thank you all for your comments.
Nightshade, sending healing thoughts your way and wishing you every success on your road to recovery.
Hugs,
Medusa
Hi, I'm turning 17 in a month and have been battling with bulimia for 2 years. Last friday I lied to my mom and faked a stomach problem just so that she would take me to the emergency room. Then behind closed doors, I told the doctor I was bulimic and had just overdosed on pain killers (I took them to make me look more sick in order to make my mom believe me). Luckily, my tylenol level wasn't dangerously high, but I was in the ER for 6 hours and they said I was dehydrated. I left with a list of therapists I could contact.
Then about 6 hours after that, I did it again. And I was so sure that what had happened that morning was my wake up call (and the wake up call for my mom as well, she had always thought that this was something you could handle on your own, without outside help). I wanted those doctors to make her believe that I had a real problem and they did. But the moment I got her trust again, the moment I was left alone, I lied and I did what I couldn't stop myself from doing. The doctors had just told me that I had taken that huge first step towards recovery, and I didn't.
I'm hoping tonight was my last purge, it wasn't even worth it. I didn't eat anything and I didn't feel any better after. My face is swollen, I can see the veins in my hands, feet, and arms, and I hate tellign everyone that I got the calluses on the back of my hand by burning it on accident.
Plus, I've gained weight, which doesn't make anything better.
The thing is, I can't bear to think that I will be doing this in college, I told the doctor that, and I told myself that. I just can't do it anymore.
Anyways, I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank you for furthering my drive to help myself. I don't know how long it will take me, I knew this was going to be a problem from the moment I started. It was an obsession that turned into an addiction that turned into a way of life, and now I have to reverse everything and start anew. I want my life back and I thank you again for having open ears for the stories of those who are suffering from this disorder.
this is really scary..good thing that i am not a binger or anything like that.my throat got dry while reading this
I'm 41 and have been bulimic since the age of 16. It's a miracle I'm still alive. The pictures on your site are the first I've ever seen which directly show the physical damage.
I have the hand damage and suffer from palpatations along with occasional bleeding when vomiting.
None of this has ever deterred me. It's a bit like a smoker being told it will kill you, but the addiction has you in such a grip that you develop a deaf ear to it all.
Tonight that's changed for me. I made myself read through the autopsy report and look at the pictures..
There is no way on earth that I will allow my children, husband or parents to one day find me dead on the toilet floor.
Thank you for posting these images and the report. It may not work for everyone, but after 20 years of bulimia it has worked for me.
x
I'm 41 and have been bulimic since the age of 16. It's a miracle I'm still alive. The pictures on your site are the first I've ever seen which directly show the physical damage.
I have the hand damage and suffer from palpatations along with occasional bleeding when vomiting.
None of this has ever deterred me. It's a bit like a smoker being told it will kill you, but the addiction has you in such a grip that you develop a deaf ear to it all.
Tonight that's changed for me. I made myself read through the autopsy report and look at the pictures..
There is no way on earth that I will allow my children, husband or parents to one day find me dead on the toilet floor.
Thank you for posting these images and the report. It may not work for everyone, but after 20 years of bulimia it has worked for me.
x
iwillmakeit, thank you so much for sharing your story and your kind comments. Best wishes to you.
And, Sarah, my heart is breaking for you. I understand what an addiction purging is.
Wishing you every success in the world in beating this monster.
Hugs,
Medusa
I saw this site, while searching the internet. Sadly enough, I was looking for a way to lose weight, and fast. I thought purging, and binging would help me. I have been called fat, and ugly my entire life. I have a very supportive husband, who assures me that I am a beautiful woman. I just don't see it. I think I have an okay face, but my body is terrible. After seeing this, I think I'll continue eating the things I do, but maybe not quite as much. No matter how "fat" I get, I don't want to lose my life because of someone elses opinion.
hi everyone!
im from brasil.
im scared seeing this texts and photos. im feeling very bad. i eat so much so many times that i cant believe its real. when i saw the literes they get out of this girl i imagined me there, exploding. i didnt believe it was true, i didnt know someone can die just for eating much, i tought the body could control it, and purge all before the bad thing happened.
i have this problem for years, sometimes im better, but sometimes im very bad. im not a fat girl, im normal. people cant say i have a problem when they see me. but im not slim. it makes me sad. thats my dream.
but now i understand that i have to look for help. i ll
Medusa,
You have created the most AMAZING website and blog on eating disorders I have ever seen. Thank YOU! It must take you a lot of time and effort.
When bored, I get on Yahoo questions, and inevitably, I find tons of posts of young girls asking if they are fat. Sometimes posting skinny pictures, sometimes giving weights, heights, etc. I was bulimic as a teen and beat it, thank goodness! So I always try to answer those questions and use the www.cdc.com/growthcharts as an example to show them how underweight they are.
This posting of the poor girl dying would BLOW AWAY anythin, all of the questions I have answered.
Would you mind if I linked to your article when I give a Yahoo answer if I warned the girls that this article link is very graphic/disturbing and the death result from ED? Or your tagline. "BULIMIA KILLS.....WARNING! GRAPHIC PICTURES"
I think the COMMENTS made are a huge inspiring part of this page. Please let me know.
AnonymousCD
Anonymous, thanks SO much for your lovely comments. I appreciate them so much.
Please feel free to link to this post or any other on my site. Getting the word out about the dangers of bulimia and other eating disorders is paramount to me.
Too many young girls, boys, women and men are dying from these disorders.
Again, many thanks for taking the time to comment.
All the best,
Medusa
I feel so horrible about myself that this didn't even make me want to get help.. I feel like nothing ever will.
Thank you, thank you for this amazing blog :] .
And thank YOU for your kind words!
this is so...... disturbing. it scares me to think that people die like this. it could be one of the worst ways to die, or maybe entirely the worst. my best friend has an ED, and i'm so scared of this happening to her. granted this girl had an ED for 5 years and my friend only for a few months, but if it keeps going like this then she might have the same fate. i really don't want her to die like this girl here. thanx for posting this. <3
I can't tell you how much I appreciate you creating this blog. I'm 18 and have been suffering from bulimia for the past 4 years. I started shortly after my grandmother died, as the grief made me eat more and gain weight. So I panicked, and started purging; I was terrified of gaining weight. I had done so a year back, but was able to lose most of the weight I had put on before I became bulimic. But at that time I was so terrified of gaining weight again that purging seemed to be my only option. My boyfriend at the time had found out what I was doing, and tried to urg me get help, but I was so sure that I was in control that I never did, and even lied to him about stopping so he would stop worrying. About 2 years ago I tried to stop by myself, and have been trying, but have been unsuccessful in my efforts. And shortly after I was forced to realized that I was in fact not in control of my ed, rather the cycle of bingeing and purging had taken over mine. I hate this problem so much, and I want to stop. I've spent countless times crying because I hate purging, and I hate not being able to stop, and I hate the pain it causes, and I hate feeling guilty about eating. But as much as I hate it, I haven't been able to stop, but worse I hide it from everyone. I'm too humiliated by it to admit it to anyone and thus have been fighting it alone. Everyday I tell myself I'm going to stop throwing up, and yet everyday I continue this habbit. But this post, although gruesome and awful, has been so helpful, as well as many other posts on your site. Before I had only known of some basic medical problems that could result from bulimia, but this has shown me the actual severity of its consequences. This is definitely the push I needed to help me try harder to stop. Also the website you listed is so helpful. I can't bring myself to tell anyone to get medical help, but having some support is helpful in my drive to beat this problem. What you're doing here is great. So thank you, so much.
(((Anonymous)))
Your battle with bulimia breaks my heart. I wish you every success in winning the battle.
I'm so glad you checked out We Bite Back...what a great group of people they are...so caring and supportive.
Thanks so much for your kind words. I appreciate them more than you will ever know.
Sending hugs and healing thoughts your way...
Medusa
Medusa,
Thank you so much for posting this story, despite the graphic nature of the photos & the details of her death. This is a shocking wake-up call, I hope, to all who suffer from bulimia - it is NOT harmless; it is deadly, in grotesque & horrifying ways. I'm going to post a link to this page of your website on my Facebook page, as I have numerous friends struggling with bulimia. I hope this will serve as a stark reminder of the horrific consequences of this form of self-abuse. I know it will help to open many people's eyes to the deadliness of bulimia. Thank you again SO MUCH for posting this - it will save lives. - Holly xo
(((Holly)))
Thanks so much for taking the time to comment and for adding a link to this post on your Facebook page.
And thank you again for allowing me to post your wonderful video tribute to Polly Ann Williams. For those who haven't seen it, please click this link:
IN LOVING MEMORY: POLLY ANN WILLIAMS
I just want to thank you for this entry.I suffer( or suffered ) from both anorexia and bulimia.For a span of about a year and a month, I ate maybe a cup of food a day with a box of laxatives every three days.Tests were ran, my doctor thought my liver was damaged as well as my intestine had stopped absorbing food.Luckily, my body wanted to live.
I went searching the internet, for unfortunately, sites I knew could relaspe me.I do miss everything I was. I'm so glad I came here instead of some ana/mia site.I feel better, knowning that even at the stage I am in, I still want to be healthy.I was leading to that but stopped before I was too far in.Thank you so much for this entry, I think I might go eat some dinner now. :]
(((Mara)))
Thanks so much for sharing what you've been through.
I'm so glad you arrived at my site too. Stay strong, hon.
Hope dinner was good :^)
Medusa
xoxo
hi medusa im here with my tail between my legs as i had a go at you about your website bein a kill kids site iv just took the time to look at the girl dead at the side of the toilet,im sorry i said nasty thing because iv just seen comments on which uv helped others and i apolagize deeply for everything ur a saint zara x
(((Zara)))
Thanks so much for writing and for your very kind words.
Apology accepted :^)
Hugs,
Medusa
xoxo
I really want to thank you for putting this up. It has really affected me, I wish I could say it has stopped me from binging and purging but as we all know it's a lot more complicated than that. I've only been battling EDs for a year now but in that short amount of time I've really managed to mess everything up.
Anorexia almost took my life but luckily I managed to save myself and get back up to a healthy weight.. though the psychological issues are still there and I am binging a lot now.. I do not know how to stop this, I think it is because I am fighting the ED and kickin' back hard. But I still keep trying and trying and I will continue to try until this ED is but a thing of the past.
I have been so close to being in this girls position and that's why it scares me so. Thank you Medusa. Let her death not go unnoticed- let it change the lives of so many of us out there.
Dear anonymous I jus wanted to thank you an i am 14 years old and i was bulimic for 6 or 7 months an i have not thrown up in 2 months but i never stuffed myself i jus threw up after a meal...an im eating healthy now im 5'6 an weigh 105 im not throwing up but im still losing weight. i dont know why im trying to put on weight i been lifting weights an now i run a mile and a half every other day but i wat 3 times a day an i went from 116 to 105 in a few weeks and tha bulimia effects on me are jus i never feel hungry like i never feeel tha rumble in my stomach is there something wrong wit me? please get bakk thank u so much!(im a guy jus so you know im 5'6 an a guy so im super undaweight)
hi! i m 17 years old and i live in greece. i suffer from bulimia for 2 years. my ed started when i was 14 with anorexia. i was weighted 28 kilos. now i spend 3 hours in the bathroom sit vomiting. i eat large amounts of grassy food like pizza chocolate cookies etc. and then i put folks spoons in my throat trying vomiting. i believe that one day my family will find dead in the toilet just like that girl. at least i m happy that some people are intersting about ed. thanx a lot.
This is eye opening. I had convinced myself that I knew the effects of this disease, and I could prevent them. I'm sure that's what this woman had thought as well. I thought i was in control of my bulimia until i realized that it is a key factor in my teenage life. I'm 5'7 and 130 pounds, the average, but i was 160 only 4 weeks ago. After reading this im hoping to prevent this from taking over my life.
Thank you
Medusa, thank you for posting this. Thank you for all of the posts on your website (and thank you, fellow readers, for sharing your stories). I stumbled across your website from the LifeWithCake blog a few days ago, and I have been reading it ever since.
Most ed-recovery sites shy away from posting pix and "numbers" (i.e., weights) because the administrators feel such things are too "triggering." I think that's a lot of bull. Sites like yours, and posts like this with the photo and graphic description, are more of what we need, not some wishy-washy crapola sites with pictures of horses and flowers and sunsets. Personally, I've never found any of the run-by-ed-professionals sites the least bit helpful (helpful to the healing process, I mean). An actual image like this will stay with me for a long time, and it will definitely make me think twice next time I feel the urge to purge.
This poor woman; God bless her. I hope she is in peace now.
Wow, this is just scary. About two years ago I was bulimic because of how my family was and still partially is. Even though it was two years ago, I still struggle with it from time to time. I'll eat something like a pastry or fast food for the first time in nearly a year and just take a nut, think I need to go on a diet, think that I should stop eating altogether or go back to bulimia. I've actually made some tips and tricks of my own to stay away from EDs.
1) If you're recovering from an ED and feel the want or need to go back to it, look it up on the website. You know how delusional the "tips and tricks" you'll find are, but go read something like this. An obituary report talking in detail about what will happen. Look at the pro ana and pro mia girls - alive AND dead.
2) Have someone to talk to, a friend or family or even a significant other if you have one who knows you very well. When I start slipping or feeling myself being tempted to go back to bulimia, I always talk to them. Trust me, if they really are for you (and I'm sure they do), they'll watch you extra carefully and make sure that you eat and the food stays where it's supposed to be - in your stomach!
The basis of it is just make sure you talk to someone, get it out, remind yourself why you stay away from it, why it's bad. For me, though, what works best is reminding myself of all my loved ones that I'd hurt by going back to it.
This article made a friend of mine realise that she actually has got big problems, and that it is a big deal. She has for a long time refused treatment, but yesterday she finally agreed to admission. THANK YOU!
Oh, Anonymous, what great news!
Best wishes to your friend and thanks so much for commenting.
Reading this and looking at that photograph make my entire body hurt. I never knew this. I used to do a combination of binge, purge and not eating. I wish I'd known this back then. Thank god I'm all better now. This is terrible.
Hi Medusa,
I have been bulimic for 2 years going on to 3 :( I want to stop so badly am a mother of 3 and 25 years old and i feel like am dying, Sadly i want to stop but so afraid of gaining the weight i lost but after seeing your webpage it terrified me and i just calle dmy finacee and told him today is the day i STOP no more purging am stopping cold turkey but am afraid i will not stop mentally am not there anymore it's like some force has taken over me , i eat till i feel like am gonna die and purge till i can't even purge no more , my heart is slowing my strength is gone and mentally am not there :( it's sad that i put everyone through this , i feel selfish for doing this , i feel horrible but TODAY is my family day and i STOP for them and i hope and pray to God that i won't binge and purge no more , keeping my fingers crossed as we speak i just finished purging 15 minutes ago and i feel horribly sick i blacked out once today :(
God bless you for this blog and thank you for showing us the truth of what happens.
(((TexasMomma)))
Thanks so much for your kind words.
I hope you can beat this horrific illness. Bulimia is so deadly.
Please join We Bite Back (www.webiteback.com) There's a wonderful forum there for those who are struggling with bulimia and anorexia. Many of my readers are now in recovery because of the love, support and encouragement they've received from members there who have recovered. It could be a lifesaver for you.
Sending hugs your way...
Medusa
xoxoxo
Thank you so much for posting this. I believe that you have helped many sufferers of EDs in sharing this graphic evidence.
I don't have an ED per se, but I have a bingeing problem that doesn't seem to go away. I think I'm addicted to junk and fast food...and I have no idea how to detox. I try, but I keep bingeing again. This blog post has actually really scared me though, and I am going to quit bingeing for good.
Thank you so much for the inspiration. It is already helping me.
Thank you so much for the vital information on this site. I am suffering from bulimia right now, and I can't seem to stop the craving to do it. I know it is terribly bad for my body, but my mind says otherwise. Reading about this poor girl has definitely made an impact on me, and urges me to seek help.
Dear Medusa,
I just found your website searching for help for my ED and it shocked total sense into me. I want to get help but I really can't where I live, I don't think I have done permanent damage to myself... but I don't want to die with my head in the toilet.
No one close to me knows what's happening to me. I wish someone did so they could have helped me earlier like your website did.
Thank you. I am bookmarking it, whenever I forget the ugly consequences of my ED I'm coming back.
Hi i am 23 i am a bulimic anorexic two weeks ago i puked up blood a lot i had torn through two layers of my osopgus and i have an ulcer in my stomach my organs dont function right my heart rate slows when i sleep and i have heart palpattions during the day if i work out if i do anything my blood tests show everything is scraping through. i am walking around with potassium level of 2.7 and risk heart failure everyday. i nearly dies last saturay that could have been me in that picture i could be dead right now it so serious i hope this helps someone stop. i used to think it wasnt worth it that life wasnt worth it that the ed was more important than life but now every sunshine every snow flake every child breeze tree bird its all so amazing to me every second i spend with friends i came a split second to loosin it all for the sake of not gaining weight. its not worth it! i am fighting for my life! yet the ed still consumes me and has me convinced i survibed and that the tear is not serious so this page is greta hun thanks im glad i found it! take care my lovely x x x
Whoa, I have seen some videos about anorexia, but that picture alone defeats all of them. I actually considered being like this once, but this picture has to much of an impact. I really don't want to end up like that. It seems like a nightmare. Thanks!
oh god, poor girl. this brought tears to my eyes.. so many girls think that their friends ana & mia will make them beautiful.. i bet this girl was so much more beautiful when she was 14 and healthy than when she was 18 and dying. its sounds strange, but this makes me want to go and eat.. im glad i'm curvy. i'm glad i don't have the self-control to diet! i hope this never happens to anyone ever again.. god bless you medusa, for showing me hope that some people still have the right idea. x
This shocked me as never before! And it is the best thing! Thank You for posting this since it just opened my eyes to what I am doing to myself and how it might end one day. God, Im all in tears right now, but feel happy at the same time. I feel this has given me the strenght to finaly stop abusing myself!
Thank you so much!
(((Lexie)))
Thank you for commenting.
I wish you every success in your recovery.
Hugs,
Medusa
The cure to my bulimia was to have my step dad home ALL THE TIME! i never got a chance to puke by myself and eventually i dropped it! he also taught me enough Islamic spirituality that i'm not obsessed with my body anymore :)
I literally decided about a month ago, I wanted to be able to eat, but not intact all the calories. So purging seemed so logical. I soon discovered, my mom did the same thing, and it rotted her teeth. She wears caps now, and I'm afraid of that. She even noticed the signs of my purging and tried talking to me about it but I was so embarrassed I couldn't even look her in the eyes. Now-I just ate a huge amount, and you cannot imagine how terrible I feel. Terrible because I don't want to puke but I just ate over a whole days worth of food, and also because I even want to purge. I'm disgusted with myself & no one even knows. I need to lose weight, soon and fast before I start purging forever.
Wow! I am totally shocked at the information in your blog. You see, I am a little above my normal weight and media and skinny girls in mini skirts have "inspired" me to start thinking on purging after eating. After reading this I felt I have the power to decide that this is not the lifestyle I want! I dont have to suffer from an eating disorder I could have prevented by one simple decision of not getting intimidated by super skinny head turning models. I dont want to be part of a statistic on eating disorders. The point of my comment is to thank you for taking the time to post information on eating disorders. Thank you for giving these girls comfort and someone to talk to. I believe you make it easier for them! Sending gratitude and appreciation your way. and once again..THANK YOU! People like you make the difference in the lives of people like me! -JessP.
Jess, thanks so much for your lovely comments. I appreciate them so much.
I am so glad you have decided not to start purging. It's deadly.
Keep strong, hon!
Hugs,
Medusa
I hope everyone is taking care of themselves these days. You all have touching stories. The only person that knows most of the story is my aunt-- my therapist I have confused to the point of no return, because I cannot talk well, haha. Anyway.
I was ten when I developed disordered eating, after wanting to be like the girls I went to school with. I was reminded when I looked at them that I was 'filling out' as a family friend had told me. I had begun to restrict my calorie intake, and I had taken up gymnastics. My mom had commented on my weight loss, and I was enjoying the attention I was getting. I've told myself several times to keep up with these activities, because they do pay off in the long run. I mean, it wasn't total self starvation at that point. But by the age of eleven, the self starvation had officially begun with my only eating a piece of cheese and renovating my entire room (which has a lot of things in it to move on an empty stomach).
I was a more normal weight at age 12, not underweight, not really overweight. My eating began to slip from that point, and by the time I was 14, my waist was 36 inches at the fullest point. My brother denies any of my accusations, but he was picking on me for being 'fat,' and then a few comments when I showed my mom some stretch marks on my upper arm? "Oh, you're just a fat kid."
My eating habits weren't healthy to start with, and remarks such as, "Maybe you should lose weight," and the such, did little to contribute to recovery. I had been in recovery until 2008, after those comments had been made.
It started off slowly, only three bites here and there for breakfast; only so much at the dinner table. I didn't want to be called fat or chubby or the fat kid. And I didn't want people to call me a piggy, either. After another bad encounter with my mother, I began to develop worse eating habits. I didn't want to eat my little bit of breakfast, lunch, and even if I ate dinner, it was very little, and I would throw it up. My calorie intake from very low, only 100 to 500 a day, and then purging. From the middle of September '09 to the ending of October, I had lost a miraculous 20 pounds. My waist dropped from 36 inches to a 31.
I hadn't had pop tarts in months, my mom had to stop buying them for me, because there was still boxes left in the pantry. I didn't want anyone to notice, and for them to think that I was eating them, so I hid them in their box in my room, but only a half full box (which was left from when I stopped eating them). But one day, this urge just came over me, like I could just eat the rest of that box, and it was like there was no turning back. I ate six pop tarts. That was the ending of anorexia and the beginning of another vicious cycle: bulimia.
My mom, I don't think, will believe me when I tell her. She thinks I starve myself, and has convinced my doctor of the same thing! She's said that my 'anorexia' isn't a cause for concern just yet-- so I cannot get much help if it's not important enough YET. So I just let myself suffer. And seeing these pictures and reading this story, I feel like if I continue eating like a fool and throwing it up, that I may just end up like that. Sometimes, though, I wish I would, because then it would be a cause for concern, and then maybe my mom would know the truth, and I wouldn't have to suffer any longer.
I think I suffer from bulimia. I do not know what to do. I feel trapped. When I feel helpless and overwhelmed I binge then I feel worthless (for eating so much) and I make myself vomit. I cannot break the cycle. I have been doing this for six years. I do not know what to do.
Medusa,
I don't know what to do anymore. I've had weight problems off and on all of my life, but it's never been this bad.
Two years ago, I started getting stomach pains, nausea, etc. I would eat something, get sick, and then feel better. It was never about trying to lose weight. Last year, the problems got worse, and I knew certain foods would agitate my stomach (found out it was gall stones) and so I would eat bad foods and then proceed to throw them up.
After I had my gall bladder removed and could peacefully eat whatever I wanted again, I resumed doing so. But then, I would feel like crap after eating fried food & the like and I'd proceed to vomit. Once, I almost ate an entire bag of chips, so I went to the bathroom and purged it all away. The problem is that I need help, but I just don't think I'm strong enough to combat this disorder. I've accepted it; I AM bulimic. I want to stop because I am terrified of the medical effects it has on the body. I don't want to die, but I don't want to be fat. I just want this problem to go away. I'm going to see a therapist, but I'm worried that I'll never beat this.
Is there any hope?
Anonymous, yes, there IS hope.
I'm happy to hear you're going to a therapist, who will work with you through the issues you're experiencing.
Keep strong and the faith that you WILL get better.
All the best to you,
Medusa
I stumbled upon this blog (/post) after searching up something having to do with the word "anorexia" in Google. Wow. This post is mind boggling and makes me never ever want to be bulimic or have an ED. I have been seriously contemplating it after I have gained 10+ lbs from from what I can now call "binge eating".
I just remember feeling so alone, unloved, and just miserable when I had to move to a new high school - that I just ate and ate and ate...and got fat. I work hard everyday to keep a positive outlook on my life and never go back that dark path again for I have come to realize many people love me and that life is too short to worry about such matters! This blog post reinforces me to be healthy and be happy for who I am! :D Thank you for this post, and for your blog. I'm pretty sure it has helped many.
Truly, thank you. :)
It helped me to type this out and tell someone, for once.
*hugs & kisses & hearts*
(((Sabrina)))
Thank you for your sweet words and for taking the time to comment.
Best wishes for continued health and happiness...
~ Medusa
Seeing the picture, reading the info and even some of the comments, everyone thanks you Medusa for helping people wanting to overcome this, but what is it that when I see and read this all, it just makes me WANT to become like this more. I know my problem is not nearly as bad, I only purge 3 times a week, but I wish that one day it would get really bad, I actually want to be the one found dead by the toilet. The only thing is I don't think I have the strength to do so, I don't know what I expect you to say but I want something. Please and Thank You(:
Jennifer, you say that you know your problem "is not nearly as bad", but no matter if you're purging once a week, 3 times a week, or 20 times a day, you've got a serious problem.
Please talk to your doctor or your family. You need help.
~ Medusa
wow, your website is so powerful. i know the story above is horrific and when i read it, i was so scared i googled the symptoms of stomach rupture incase i was on the brink and didnt know. i have been between just bulimic an anorexic (medical criteria for each) or both for about 3 years now, and this photo and horrible story was the last push i needed to stop binging and purging. ive already stopped so much, down from b/p at least 3 or 4 times a day to once every few days or not at all. see the thing is a lot of the messages given by counsellors and other people dont really get through because the word "healthy" suddenly means fat, i dont know if that makes sense and i know it probably doesnt. however when confronted with this kind of reality, like dying in such a horrible way, in such a familiar position. well im done, ive had enough. there was a time a few years ago i think, when i didnt b/p anywhere near as much and was no where near being considered thin that this wouldnt have phased me, but i think having been in that exact position throwing up, spitting up blood, and still thinking "i dont care, i have to finish, stop being weak" and stuff like that (theres much worse but theres no point detailing coz its just revolting) well i dunno i guess it just makes you more aware that its a disease not a fashion trend. all the stuff on this website has been really helpful, especially your poor friend karen still thinking she was fat at 70lbs with all her teeth gone and people telling these girls they are too thin but they cant see it or listen, its something im very familiar with and it just scary how it can get out of control, like i used to think 5'7 65kg was thin when i weighed 72, then it was 60, 55, 50, etc and just watching it go down like that over the years and my thinspiration models get smaller and smaller, its like well when is it enough? and that point changes. so yeah i just wanted to say that ur website has been more effective than counselling, my family, friends, doctors, anything. ill do my best with the ana bit, but as for the bulimia and binging and purging. i dont think i physically could do it again having seen this photo and read that horrible description. i would literally be too scared to either eat that much or throw up again, i never thought id say this but id rather be fat. if more people saw this website i think it would put the reality back into this size zero, pro ana/mia stuff. im sure this website has saved lives, and helped a lot of people, so thankyou so so much xx
This is really shocking.. I've been struggling with bulimia for the past 3 years, with unsuccessful clean starts.. I hate it where I get chest pains and feel so disgusted with myself. Always praying for a recovery. Thank you Medusa for uploading this
I'm 5 feet 6 and a half inches and 136 pounds. Im fat and ugly, and I hate myself. I Have bulimia, except that i dont binge. I eat less and then purge.
This has honestly scared me. Im 19 and will have been bulimic for 6 years in April 2011. I think im going to tell my mom I need help after reading this. I would hate to die like she did.
Thank you for posting this.
(((Anonymous)))
Thanks for writing. Please talk to your mom so you can get help. Bulimia is deadly.
Hugs,
Medusa
Thank you for posting. I have been bulimic since maybe age 11 (almost 22 now), and binge-eating since about 4 years old. I'm terrified of something like this happening, and this post, the picture, is heart-wrenching to look at. I think of others with this disease as my sisters and wish I could have hugged that girl.
This really shows how serious of a disease it is. Sometimes I think people are very insensitive and unsympathetic to sufferers of eating disorders, especially bulimia. This shows how out of control it can be, not merely some gross bad habit that's easy to stop if we weren't so "gross".
sometimes i feel that i will never see the end of this horrible addiction. i have sought help, and recovered, only to relapse, which i have done about 5 times already. i dont want to talk to family or friends as i know they will be dissappointed and probably very unsympathetic. also, treatment is expensive, so is the cost of my binges. it is an extremely expensive addiction which adds to the immense amount of guilt i feel for having this stupid thing living with me.
how can one overcome this for good? i have never spoken to a fellow sufferer as i dont know anyone who is this way (or at least honest about it).
i am scared i will never end this without becoming obese. (and i am already slightly overweight i believe) :( i am tired of the effects it has on my body.
how did you do it?
I am 15 years old and i have been bulimic for 3 years now. I am so afraid for this to happen to me. Everytime i am about to purge i pray that this is the last time i will walk to my bathroom. I cant image dying this way and i fear for my life greatly. But even at that it doesnt scare me into to stopping. This diease has taken over my entire life. And is ruining my health as well as my family. I dont know where to run to anymore. My heart is breaking and this scared me even more. I wish i could stop. But i dont think i ever will.
Thanks for posting this madusa! I'm 15 years old (turning 16 in march) and I have been bulimic since I was 13. This article just highlighted my fear of dying over a toilet, either of a ruptured stomach, or a ruptured esophagus. I've had a few scares (like having a really burning sensation in my throat every morning) but none of that has stopped me from purging. My mom knows about it (and I found out recently that my little sister has known all along) but I've never been to any help centers. Even though I told my mom that I don't do it anymore and that the only reason I eat a lot and still stay skinny is because of my daily gym class at school (which I don't have) I know she still knows that I purge. I can feel her dissapointment and sadness everytime I close the bathroom door. I have never told anyone about my ED. I was close to telling my best friend, but she moved away before I could. Everytime I see things like this, it makes me want to get help, but I never have the guts to seek out and tell someone. This is the first time I've heard or seen ur site, and it makes me thankful that there are people like u out there. Thanks a lot
- Mariela
I have absolutely never heard of this happening and my god has it scared me. I have been in recovery for a while now, but just can't seem to quite let Ed go. After seeing this I can't imagine ever bingeing again. You've done a fantastic job with this website, if only more people did this. The one thing I have always said about the info circulated about Eds is that it's far too fluffy. Girls/guys just get to see that ooh look, they're anorexic, see how skinny they are - isn't it terrible. No one shows the teeth and the hair and the nails and the skin and the organs... anyway, this is fantastic and I for one appreciate it. This picture is now the background on my computer desktop and I really believe this is what I needed to make the change.
So I have had an eting disorder maybe since I was 13 or 14...but it started out as a very strict healthy eating habit, that formed into having binge purge episodes when me and my brother would have one cheat day where we could have popcorn and maybe a little cup of protein cereal....I would feel so guilty I would purge it up...or starve the next day. I started chew spitting where I'd chew up food and spit it out just to taste it. That soon lost it's appeal. My brother( my biggest supporter and best friend) had been on this health ick together we'd work out eat healthy meals and keep track of calories and workouts together...he left to the military...I had no one to work with, I ate and ate and ate....my tummy hurt I'd get sick the next day I gained weight...so I started purging..it was so hard at first and then it got easy... now I eat and eat whatever I want and once I've eatin enough once I feel sick not painful but just sick I lean over and let it come out...my body just lets it go...if I drink alot of liquid it comes out even more...no using my hand or tooth brush(which doesn't even fase me anymore)I say I'm going to shower turn on the shower use a cup to fill with water drink cups and cups and then it comes up...I got down to 98 at one point scared me to hell and stayed at about 105-110 for a bit...got caught and got into some trouble with y parents...I said I stopped but I didn't I sit here right now reading and typing this as I binge...it's 11:11 pm I will go purge my food and then drink a protein shake so I don't entirly drain my body...it will be atleast 1pm by the time I put my head on my pillow and tell myself never again...I go to college and have to be up by 5am I then go to work intell 10pm....I never sleep...I have no social life....I work my ass off working and going to school......I spend over 500 a month on binge food...I hate myself and have no one to go to...y family members are very selfish people and don't believe in helping others with theitr problmes which has made me realize...it's my problem I'll fix it I don't bother others or put m stress on them.......
I am now around 130...FATFATFAT I hate me!!!I still bp worse than ever....I tell myself I'll stop after I lose the weight...but now I want to try ana...and sadily..I think I am because if I eat I wont stop....
just hope I can find someone to confide in that knows my stug gles pains and worries
Hello,
I just read this and I am quite stunned. That is scaring, really.
I'm having eating disorders since 2 years and started bulimia crisis 8 months ago. Now I am vomiting nearly every day, after eating huge amounts of food.
I knew there were risks and I started therapy a few weeks ago when I noticed that my teeth and gums were visibly suffering. And when I realised that dealing with food was an increasing problem.
I really want to get out of ED and, as said Katja, thinking about that dramatic case and about all the things my body is passing through might, I think, help me fighting the disease and be better. Better for myself, better for the people I love.
Thank you for your posts, bringing informations, hope, and some shaking facts.
I really wish good luck to everyone fighting eating disorders, there are tough moments, but don't loose hope.
And I really thank you very much.
PS : my english writing is not very good, because I am French, but ED are international, aren't they? And your message is international as well.
Bless you Medusa
Read all of this already took away the urge to vomit .... I do not want to end so that horror, to top it used to give me giant binge eating at least 3 or 4 times x week, truly massive binge ... that horror swear that I will never do that denuevo
thanks medusa
Thank you so much for all that you do. This post has inspired me to try once and for all to stop this vicious cycle of bingeing and purging. I have been dealing with an eating disorder since I was eleven, and I'm nineteen now, so it has been a long time coming. Thank you for trying to inspire people to have the courage to stop. I know it won't be easy, but this article has inspired me to take the first step.
The poor girl in the photo- what is her name? I bet she would have been horrified if she'd known that the only thing people would remember about her is her ugly death picture circulating the internet, and not even know her name.
IM 19, I been purging for two years now.. I being trying to stop for long time but I can't. I haven’t asked for help because I don’t know who to ask i now my parents won’t understand. I feel like I’m gonna get in trouble when they find out. I use to be 220 pounds now I’m 120 now.. No one's noticed, but i have my hair constantly falls out and its very thin now, my heart beats are weird and i get light headed every day. I’m getting these bumps on my tongue and my teeth are beginning to feel thinner, my stomach is begging to hurt were my kidneys are and i haven’t had a regular menstrual cycle or bowel moments in a while…. I don’t know what to do or were to turn …
Hello. I am not bulimic, however my sister is and I need to help her. She is going to therapy, but I don’t believe that this is truly stopping the problem. What will? What can I do? She needs help, and fast. Please give me advice on how to fix my sisters bulimia.
I've been struggling with bulimia on and off again for two years and as we speak am in a severe on stage, to be honest I only looked at this blog by accident before I was planning to purge. After seeing this, however, I not only was shocked but I also realised that I don't want that to be me. I don't want the last image of myself being hunched over, bruised and completely damaged.
Thank you...so much, you truly have opened my eyes and scared me into the reality of the situation I'm facing.
I struggled with bulimia from age 13 to 22, when I finally sought treatment at an outpatient program in Illinois. It saved my life. It's been 4 years. Now, if I have a slip, it is like once or twice a year. I am able to live a more fulfilling life. I can concentrate when I read, and enjoy eating out with friends. I can stop eating when I am full. It is amazing. Thank you Medusa seeing these pics really shows that it could have ended horribly for me.
This is an excellent site, offering lots of information which is of great help to those suffering from EDs of all kinds. Thanks for all of this. I am wondering if the information on this page shouldn't be sent to those who engage in 'competitive eating'. I've always wondered if many of them weren't bulimic, as there are many 'small bodied' people taking part in them these days. A 'normal' person can't usually fit that quantity of food in them at one go. When these 'eating contests' first began, most of the contestants were large, burly, overweight men. Possibly they, too have EDs, but they are the type one would expect to enter and win these things. Lately several very small women have won, while competing with these large men. Something's wrong.
To be able to make money by being a glutton if nothing else.
Its incredible to see that iam not alone in this world....for so long ive felt alone and misunderstood because no one knew what i was doing to myself. after i had a misscarrige at 13 i became extreamly bulimic. im talking bout all day every day after ever meal. i dropped to 110 from being 145. im 5'2 and now im 118 but i seem to keep going with my bad habit. im 18 now and i reached out to my closest family members and freinds for help to stop me from binging but i often isolate myself on purpose and they tell me they cant help me only myself can. after looking at this site it frightens me i dont want to hurt my loved ones by being selfish and killing myself...im to the point wher im constantly tired, moody, weak, black under my eyes, and alot of heart pains...ive seeked help in phsycology but it made me relapse.. how can i stop?
To curiousity: I was going to a therapist for almost a year, but that wasn't enough. I finally enrolled in an outpatient program at a nearby treatment center, and it changed my life. There's not a day I regret having gone. I have a full life now, free from obsession about my weight. I no longer feel exhausted or weak.I am a purple belt in karate now!
I came across this site when I googled "what does it feel like to throw up?" I have recently considered throwing up my food... a lot... so I did some research to get some tips. I'm so glad I came across this website instead. You possibly saved me from walking down this dangerous path. Thank you.
Hi, My name is Jade. I was bulimic since I was 12 and I'm 18 years old now. The first 2 years wasn't that severe, it was only for "special occasions". When I was 14~16, my bulimia died out but after my senior year of high school, i realized i wanted to lose some weight before going to college so I tried my best to exercise. I did insanity, i ran, i went to the gym and everything but the slow results made me extremely impatient... thus, my bulimia came again.. worst than ever! In the summer, everytime i eat.. it doesn't matter if its a little or not, i would make myself throw up.. and sometimes.. it makes my throat hurt and i can feel the pressure against my eyes and brain. I knew i was hurting myself so i tried to stop. Once i got to college, i lived in the dorm... i had to share a bathroom with 9 other girls so it was harder to hide so I stopped. After stopping, i gained 15 pounds after my first year. Now summer is here.. and im desperate and depressed as ever. Since May 2012... i've been eating 4~5 times a day and I've been throwing it all up. It's a waste of food and money. However, i always tell myself " oh you need to stop! its not worth it. whats the point of eating and puking it up? " but when i get bored or hungry... i forget all of that. it's like i eat because im "used" to it and i cant control it. even after i throw up, the next thing i wanna do is eat eat eat and re-do it all again. I was diagnosed with a disease called GERD ( kinda like a really bad form of acid reflux ) because of my bulimia and now, when i lay down.. i feel like the food can just come out cause my throat doesnt function normally anymore to keep the food down. Also, because im so used to sticking my fingers down my throat, my gag reflex is immune now so when i try to make myself throat up, it hurts a lot because i have to keep poking my finger around. I'm scared to get help and i'm not sure where to get help. If i do get help though, i would like to keep it confidential... and seeing this post... i know i'm in huge danger. thank you so much for making me realize that i am not immune to deaths like this.
Hi, My name is Jade. I was bulimic since I was 12 and I'm 18 years old now. The first 2 years wasn't that severe, it was only for "special occasions". When I was 14~16, my bulimia died out but after my senior year of high school, i realized i wanted to lose some weight before going to college so I tried my best to exercise. I did insanity, i ran, i went to the gym and everything but the slow results made me extremely impatient... thus, my bulimia came again.. worst than ever! In the summer, everytime i eat.. it doesn't matter if its a little or not, i would make myself throw up.. and sometimes.. it makes my throat hurt and i can feel the pressure against my eyes and brain. I knew i was hurting myself so i tried to stop. Once i got to college, i lived in the dorm... i had to share a bathroom with 9 other girls so it was harder to hide so I stopped. After stopping, i gained 15 pounds after my first year. Now summer is here.. and im desperate and depressed as ever. Since May 2012... i've been eating 4~5 times a day and I've been throwing it all up. It's a waste of food and money. However, i always tell myself " oh you need to stop! its not worth it. whats the point of eating and puking it up? " but when i get bored or hungry... i forget all of that. it's like i eat because im "used" to it and i cant control it. even after i throw up, the next thing i wanna do is eat eat eat and re-do it all again. I was diagnosed with a disease called GERD ( kinda like a really bad form of acid reflux ) because of my bulimia and now, when i lay down.. i feel like the food can just come out cause my throat doesnt function normally anymore to keep the food down. Also, because im so used to sticking my fingers down my throat, my gag reflex is immune now so when i try to make myself throat up, it hurts a lot because i have to keep poking my finger around. I'm scared to get help and i'm not sure where to get help. If i do get help though, i would like to keep it confidential... and seeing this post... i know i'm in huge danger. thank you so much for making me realize that i am not immune to deaths like this.
hello, im a mother of a 16 yr old son that is in the throws of a eating disorder. This is very disturbing to me of course because i know that this can and will be him someday if I dont get this issue addressed. We have seen medical doctor, theripist twice a week, dietician once a week. It has not stabalized but since he does not meet all the criteria for any inpatient centers in our area, we are at a standstil. He has lost about 60 lbs since the 2nd week of April, which is when he was caught in the bathrm with his fingers down his throat. Its very frustrating as a mother to know and have to watch yur child silently and slowly kill themselves. Thanks for listening.
Hello i'm a mother of a 16 yr old son, we are at the very beginning of this horrible disease. He has lost 60lbs since the 2nd week of April, which is when he was caugh with his finger down his throat. I have taken him to his medical doctor we are seeing 2 different theripist once a week, a dietician once a week, and still losing weight, and since he doesnt meet the crteria for inpatient centers in our area we are at a standstill. Thanks for listening, its very frustrating to watch your child silently and slowly kill themselves and not get them the right help because hes not 90 some lbs yet...yet
Hello,
I was never "underweight" but I was malnourished. I just did not know how to eat healthy, I had a really messed up relationship with food. whenever I ate junkfood I felt compelled to binge and then throw it all up. I would starve myself and spend hours at the gym to burn all the calories from the day before.
I would say, if you or a loved one don't qualify for inpatient treatment, seek out outpatient programs. The program I went to, in Highland Park Illinois, was 9 to 6 so it covered all three meals and had group therapy. Don't stop fighting the good fight!
Hello everyone..and thank-you for sharing all your strong willed stories..I have suffered on and off from purging episodes and sad moments in My Life. I have been purging for about 6 years and I am afraid i have scarred My body inside and out with this horrible condition. I am petrified of seeing a Dr. For fear that they Will find something very wrong with me. I want to Stop and lose weight the healthy way. I'm 5'5 and 155lbs. After kids you're body never goes back. I hate seeing myself in mirrors and dislike beaches and waterparks. Thank you Medusa for being a community who cares. God bless everyone. I have hope.
First off, my name is Catalina, and I've been struggling with insecurities about my body image for my whole life.. And I'm 5'4 and 100 lbs. I am an acute bulimic.. I used to b/p three times a day and lost 7 lbs in 3 days!! To me, that was amazing. Honestly, the only reason I stopped was because my stomach started to hurt after I ate anything... And it still does after 2 years from stopping! I have no clue what it might be, but I know it's from being bulimic. Recently, I also started becoming anorexic and lost 5 lbs in a few days. I started to see my ribs more and I was so happy... Until I saw these pictures. This is defiently the end for me!!! (I hope!) do you maybe have an idea of what is wrong with my stomach pains?? They hurt after eating practically nothing an after a regular sized meal!!
Thnx for the help!!!
Xoxo Catalina
Catalina, please go to your doctor so that he/she can examine you and run some tests, and/or refer you to a gastroenterologist regarding your stomach issues. And please be honest with your doctor about your bulimia and anorexia. That will go a long way to a proper diagnosis.
EDs are so deadly, so it's important you get a diagnosis as soon as possible.
All the best,
Medusa
Medusa,
I know you get a mountain of comments, but let me add one more: through all the 15-odd years of battling every eating disorder around, never have I read anything to motivate me to recover like your blog motivates me.
Several nights ago, I binged so much and for some reason it just wouldn't come up again. Then I was too scared to go to sleep because I could barely breathe due to the amount of food I had eaten. Reading your post about gastric rupture drives home a risk I had wondered about but hadn't known to exist.
Please keep posting these repulsive things - we need to be reminded that it is better to be healthy and normal weight rather than starved and mentally consumed by EDs
xoxo - Claire, Australia
Claire, your comment touched me deeply. Thank you.
I hope that you stay the course on the road to recovery.
All the best,
Medusa
I've been bulimic for 24 years. I am 41 now, but I look 30. I have osteoporosis, spondolothesis, curvature of the spine, I broke my back at 29 yrs go age, suffering chronic pain since. My heart is irregular, I lost 8 teeth, just had dental work done to save 12 of them. To look at me, you would think I was a pretty, happy, healthy girl, but I'm dying inside. I need morphine to survive, I'm a loner, never married or had kids...to make things worse, I am in my 5 th yr of menapause! Don't be Bulimic girls...it ruins lives and sneaks up on you sooner than you think.
As graphic and absolutely heartbreaking as this is, I can't think of anything to say other than thank you for posting this. I stumbled on your site while googling for binge-eating recovery help tonight (after a binge that literally left me unconscious for half an hour - the worst so far). I woke up terrified for my life... and this post has me in tears. I can't help imagining my fiancee finding me like this one day, or what I would feel if I walked in on him or someone I loved and found them like this.
I have been in Anorexics & Bulimics Anonymous for 2 weeks, but the binging has only gotten worse (possibly out of rebellion even though I don't want this anymore)... I thank you again from the bottom of my heart for this post. You have saved my life.
(((Jessica)))
Thank you for your sweet words.
I hope you can dig deep to find the strength to stop bingeing. Please seek medical help. There are professionals out there who can help you with you ED.
Lots of love,
Medusa
Dear medusa,
My name is Mary I am a mother of two and a wife. I've come to realize my life is tumbling out of control and I don't know how to stop. I have always had problems with my image that I see never liking what I see but mostly never feeling like I fit into what my mother wanted me to look like. Even as a child she said I was heavy when in reality I wasn't I was smaller then most kids around me. I live states away from her and now I am going to visit her for my twice a year trip home. So I find myself going into over drive. I refuse to take in anything but coffee until dinner because my husband watches to make sure I'm eating so I fool around with my food.. sneaking it to my dog if I can. I have a goal to reach I need to drop down to but I'm so afraid that one day this goal will take me from what I truly love most in my life. My kids. I just don't know how to stop. Im ashamed to speak my problem out loud and I can't imagine how to tell my husband that I need help. We have joked about it in the past when my doctor asked me if I had a problem infront of him. We laughed it off. SayIng the nerve if someone to accuse me of havIng an ed. Now I feel Im lost and out of control. I keep saying after I see mom this is the last of it. I will finally stop. But it never ends. Tonight I cried on thanksgiving because I made a big dinner ate and then ran to expel it out of me like I just swallowed poison. While telling everyone how much I enjoyed it thinking to myself how much it hurt to eat. Writing this was like a sigh of relief I haven't told anyone or opened up about this ever. Im just so afraid.
Oh, Mary, my heart goes out to you.
Please make an appointment to see your doctor alone. It's imperative that you be honest with him/her about your restricting and purging. You need help to battle this insidious disease. EDs are so deadly, and it pains me to think of your children without their mom.
Your courage in putting your feelings into words by posting here shows your strength. Please be frank with your doctor so that you can get the help you need as soon as possible.
Sending hugs your way ...
Medusa
I'm afraid
... I remember this story as reason i stopped purging. Now, like 5 years later i can't even imagine to purge after a meal, even though sometimes i miss the feeling of 'flying' after purging or starving. i was in treatment once, but strugglin did go on after. I tried to stop that again about 3 years after treatment, this time it was my own choice - and it took 2 years to stop just thinking bout that. It was a hard time, but now, 5 years later i'm a lucky girl. i even did just 6 months without a scale :) i love my body and my weight and i can eat everything i want to, without being concerned about it and now i know what it really feels to be free and fly - which is definitly NOT purging and starving. just wanted to share my story, for everyone whos recovering - stay strong. it'll be worth it! <3 (hope my english isn't that bad, cause i'm a german-girl) xoxo
Omg that's horrible I'm crying SAD
That's horrible I can't believe that happened
it is really hard for any level of severity. Bulima ruined my life and i can never get those years back. i trained excessively (running average of 160 km per week) i ate nothing but rice cakes and chicken breast however the itense feeling of hunger you get causes you to feel out of control. it is really sad. i coundt go out anywhere, my face was massive due to the swelling. i lost friends, failed in school and lost hope. however i got through it totally by myself as no one can really understand. i still train excessively and diet but i no longer limit carbohydrates or deprive myself of food and never make myself sick. the viscous circle is what disrupts individuals from recovering as when you think you have recovered you start limiting your food again slowly, this then causes that over-whelming hunger that causes you to binge thus making you feel guilty so you spew again. the interesting but annoying element is, you can hide the effects and symptoms so it is hard for tohers to recognise you are suffering inside. i am such a loud crazy girl, always have been, but inside it kills you. it really is terrible. my fathers words 'oh dont be so silly, its all in your head you spoilt girl, i have given you everything!'. everytime i read your bloggs or read a book, hear a woman whos died from it or noticed an individual who has suffered, it makes me cry. the pressure to be slim in our society just destroys those with low self esteem. and i really do believe that bulimics are usually the sensitive, loving individuals who wear their hearts on their sleeves. its crazy because the majority of recovering sufferes will look back and say 'god i looked good, why did i do that to myself?'.
love yourself, have moderation. eat what foods you like-in moderation, exercise-in moderation. the happy medium i believe that is the answer. look at the people in africa who have no choice, they have to starve, and the dysentry makes them defecate and vomit. it is an obsessive, preoccupied disease bulimics have. i would love to help every single sufferer if i could. i always think about setting up a federation only if i could win the lottery!
it is so nice to know that medusa has set up a page like this to show people in a different light how bad this disorder is. be strong, you'll all get through it and what a heart you have for trying to get this message across to people medusa. good on you. support is vital.
Ashley, UK.
Today I consumed over 15,000 calories all of which I tried my hardest to purge back up. reading this has sadly not detered me at all. in fact I wish it could happen to me.. would be an easy exit at least. so tired of this emotional trauma I have been experiencing the past 6 years. I wish I had the strength to end.
Strong, horrible and unfornately true... I feel very sad an concerned.
I just binged and purged today... I thought I was done with this.
I doubt the story is true. Bulimic por over 24 years and no physical complications. Most bulimics have nothing wrong. However, mental health really suffers. Good article to scare a few and help them stop though
I've been fine for a few months. My antidepressant was curbing my apetite which completely took away my need to purge. Then the seizures started. They said it was because of my antidepressant. I don't have it anymore. Now my purging has started again and I've noticed tooth erosion. I don't care about the seizures I just want my control back. I've started gaining weight again which is bringing my depression back ten fold. I feel like dying. I just want to lay in bed and rot.
I was sexually abused for all of my childhood and teens. I was so young when it started that i cant even remember how old i was by someone close in the family.
I started taking laxitives 8yrs ago. Depression fuelling my buliema....my buliema fueling my depression. Had to wait over 2yrs for counselling which was no help because i didnt trust her. The docs just chucked me on prozac.....the system failed me....luckily i had cognigtive behaviour therapy that got me this far. If not for that id probably be dead. Ive tried to commit suicide 4 times....the system completely failed me. Ive cried and cried for help but theres just not much out there.
U feel worthless....not good enough for anything or no-one but its your own head telling you that.....wheres the evidence to support these thoughts???? They dont exist cos they are your thoughts. I managed to pull myself together but now ive slipped....in a new relationship i feel like im not good enough....im too fat....im disgusting....i constantly compare myself to other women instead of just being me.
Then these thoughts and feelings led me to start taking laxitives again. I starved myself today then had to give in to the cravings and binged. I then threw up and took 8 laxitives straight after.....the guilt was overwhelming.....i was desperate! Then i realised im slipping back, not taking steps forward but backwards....cried for hours. But then realising its an illness and i need help. So a trip bk to the docs i go and i will lay everything on the table. Girls/boys/men/women dont be ashamed....its an illness....please seek help. Danielle uk
Hi I'm 13 and have struggled with anorexia for two years I was raped when I was 7 by a family friend and am bullied someone called me anorexia yesterday my shit don't define me I define me I'm not in recovery
Im sorry for your loss. However its real easy for someone who's never been in a bullimics shoes to see in black and white.
At 11 my brother(25) committed suicide. He sat in an empty parking lot with his two kids in the backseat while hr took his life. At 14 my other brother started using meth. My mother who was a strong woman and did the best damn job she could have to raise us, crumbled. I watched her slowly lose herself. Now shes addicted to coke. My dad wasnt present so i didnt have that father figure to teach me to value myself so when the first male walked into my life i clinged to him. He beat me. He raped me. I tried taking my life numerous times and failed each one. I watched my whole family fall apart with drugs. My little brother whos only 18 is a heroine addict. My other brothrr who did meth moved to salts, and is now in prison. And i thank god for it. I didnt get a childhood. I had to take care of myself. I lived in my car for 2 months, bounced from place to place while dealing with my boyfriends abuse. I started purging after one night where he strangled me, bit my face drawing blood, turned my mouth blsck and busted my tooth. He raped me afterwords. I was 16 fucking years old. I didnt deserve any of that. So yeah, i turned to food for comfort. It turned to self harm. Im 20 now. Im much better. I quit just three months ago. But, im texting this from a hospital bed. Im dealing with what i did to myself but i know im stronger than this.and i know ill pull through. Im sorry you lost people dear to you. I lost everyone i had.I quit contact with eevery one because they are a detriment to my health. Not all of us are attention sseekers. Not once did i reach out to one person or cry for pitty. Im a survivor. I'll never judge someones illness because ive had my share. And i know what led me to it.
This is scary. I keep fighting with my bulimia since really long time and even today I've eaten so much that I feel the pain. It scares me as well, and the fact that I cannot stop even though I know how dangerous may it be, scares me even more. Thank you for posting this.
I'm crying this is so sad
this article really warns us to be careful. thank you for making this article
it is very helpful
We have a lot in common, except I have been afflicted for about 4-5 years. It feels good to know I'm not the only one who does these things.
Whats help? Whats treatment?
Ant, please talk to your family physician. He or she can direct you to a professional who specializes in eating disorders. Hugs to you...
Sadly this story scares me but I know this will happen to me. I just pray my daughter is not around. I am 34 and have been bulimic since I was 8. I live in the US and I can't even access a a counselor who lasts more than 2 months at the facility and I have insurance. I binge and purge every 30 minutes. I know I'm dying. I feel it but my broken brain doesn't care. I'm so sad . Please pray for my baby to never get this disease and pray that she isn't the one who finds me when I die.
Anonymous, your comment breaks my heart. Your daughter needs you. Please go to your primary care physician ASAP for referral to a treatment facility. You need help NOW. Your daughter will be scarred forever if she finds you dead. Please get help you so desperately need. ❤️
Hi, my name is vanessa. This post truely scared me. I currently am not purging ,i just had my first child, and at about 3 months pregnant i stopped purging and alowed myself to gain a bit of weight for baby. I have been craving to binge and purge...now that the baby is born and well. I dont want to but i mentally fight the urge every day. This post helped me. Im 19 right now, Alomost 20. I have been bulimic since i was 11 years old... I have had time on and off binging and purging. Most of my life i would binge and throw up every couple days .. It would sometimes get bad and i would throw up every little thing.i was also a user so i had a system. I would use for days and just not eat and then eat over 3000 cal in a sitting and purge.i too, would barely be able to breath or move after a binge.for a little over a year, i would excersize excessivly. I would run for an hour at full speed on very little food, then do olyptical, then muscle tone. I did this seven days a week.i was at my lowest weight at that point . i am 5'8 and i weighed 89 lbs.
I have scars on my hands from my teeth and my teeth are sensitive and i worry they will fall out if i start this again... I have already done it twice since my daughter has been born and i wish i could just be normal. Again this post has helped me but i am still struggling. I need help :(
I started purging again after five almost six years of not doing it. I am only twenty four now it all started when I was sixteen I was around a hundred and thirty, fourty. I was made fun of and called fat the kids where I lived made pig noises at me and cow noises. I'll never forget that pain as long as I live. Sadly after stopping I feel like I am losing it again. I gained twenty pounds from a second pregnancy and I have tried exercisin it away and it just won't budge. I run a mile in about eleven mins and than walk/ run for up to a half hour. I lift weights and do the squats and lunges and crunches and still I can not get the weight gone. Ive been at this for almost five months now almost six days a week and I do do a lot through out my day.I did lose about eight pounds so that makes me feel a little better but I can't fit back into any of my old jeans and by now I thought I would have lost all the baby weight. It has almost been a year since I had the little guy so I thought it would definitely be gone by now. I'll go back to when it started purging again I don't binge eat I eat a regular meal and than throw it up I used to binge before. About two weeks ago I ate so much I felt sick so I decided to throw up. I did it and ever since it has been creeping back in and becoming more frequent. When I did this over six years ago I did it for a year and a half and lost thirty pounds with exercise. I dont want to do it again I have two kids and I don't want to go back to that state. What triggered it today was my mom saying that I shouldn't eat cookies and that she should take them away from me. That basically told me she thinks I am over weight so of course it hurt and I thought fine I will eat them and throw them up when I get the chance. And I did. I am getting sick again and I don't want to become it again. I read this story it was so sad and I cried because I don't want that to be me and made me think about it all. The problem is, is I don't know if I have the strength to turn away being twenty pounds heavier than I was. I was a hundred and five to a hundred and ten before I got pregnant with my second I weigh around a hundred and twenty five now. I wish I could just turn away and it would disappear but I know it is here and I am so ashamed of myself for being this weak... I need to be stronger for my kids. Thank you for having the heart to put this out there for people to read it is good to let people see what they can become with a disorder like this. Bless you for this.
I've had an eating disorder on and off for at least six and a half years. I went through phases of both bulimia and anorexia with my lowest weight being 70 pounds at 5'3. And then one day, I snapped.. I started binging and purging every single day. I couldn't stop eating whether I was hungry or not. I gained weight rapidly as my metabolism had been ruined. I purged so much that I wasn't psychically able to anymore no matter what I tried and so I stopped. I isolated myself because I hated the weight I had gained, I felt like a failure. Fast forward a few years later and I keep going through cycles of starving myself, eating healthy, and not caring what I eat.. It doesn't make any sense. I went on a diet and I've been on it for about a week now. I'm doing a lot of walking and I'm aware than I'm not eating as many calories as I should be but it's better than before. However, tonight I messed up.. I ate some candy that I wasn't supposed to eat. I wanted to purge immiedatelt afterwards but given I've been having stomach issues and I have health anxiety.. I haven't done so. I again feel like a failure.. I think the only other thing stopping me from doing it is this post and so I thank you for it. I came across this years ago and it scared me then but I thought that it would never happen to me and I think this is what all of us think to keep our sanity intact whilst taking part in the behavior.. The harsh reality is eating disorders kill all the while they promise you the world.. You must see through this illusion if you want to survive..
I am 13 years old and was just diagnosed with bulimia a month ago.It is getting out of control.I am recieveing treatment but not under my own will.I am trying to want recovery but some part of me does not want it.This was all a small realization of what my disease is capable of.It is still very hard to fight the urge to puke.I am on one hour after meal watches.No one truly understands how much self hatered it takes to make yourself throw up.I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin.I use to weigh myself 3 times a day ,my treatment center does not let me see the numbers and it is killing me.I wish I did not have this disease but at the same time
I cant let go of it.
Anonymous, my heart goes out to you. Please try to stay strong.
I urge you to check out this forum on NEDA. There are others who are struggling like you who are being supported by those who have recovered from bulimia. Here's the link:
http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/forums/working-toward-recovery
Sending love and hugs your way...
Medusa
Thank you so very much indeed for this post. Sincerely well done! I think it could actually be the most effective cure for bulimia.
To those without hope, I would say try God.
I was bulimic for 5 years and understand the torment associated with ED...God was my answer. I did all I could, but what I couldn't do God took over from there. I've been free for 3 years now. :)
U all are dear to my heart because I truly do understand and feel what ur feeling...I pray you all find the freedom and peace your looking for.
Love you all
My name is Brittany and I just want to say thank you for this post..
I have been struggling with anorexia for 3-4 years now. I recently began therapy this year and it feels great to just talk to someone.
This post helped me realize that I might be a binge eater as well? I don't throw up after binging but after a period of starvation I will binge on chocolate and junk food. I always sort of praised myself for this behaviour but this post has made me start to think otherwise.
Thank you Medusa
With live, Brit
You're very welcome, Brit. Thanks so much for your comment. Hugs 😘
Medusa,
You may have just saved my life with this. I am 19 and have been engaging in behaviors since I was 13, and never until this day have I felt scared of myself and what my actions do to myself.
Thank you x10000, I pray that your blog becomes viral enough to save many more beyond what you have already accomplished.
This may be the most effective "cure" there is... fear of death is the strongest force we know.
Thank you.
Laura, thank you for commenting. My heart goes out to you. Sudden death and bulimia go hand in hand. I wish you every success in your recovery. Sending positive, healing thoughts your way. xo
Thank you so much medusa. I am 16 and bulimic. I was trying to find help after binging and purging, then I found you. I will try my best to recover now, thanks to you.
Anonymous, thank you so much for taking the time to comment. Bulimia is deadly. Sending you a big hug, and wishing you the very best in your recovery. I'm rooting for you ❤️😘
I have been reading your blogs for a while now, and some of them scare me away from wanting to become anorexic. But my wanting to be anorexic isn't just for wanting to be skinny. It's also because my whole family comments on my weight (I am 16, 5'5, and 247 lbs- making me chubby), my mom always complains about my weight and how much she spends on me, she also complains about how much I eat, and there are times when she gets pissed with how much I eat because I also have binge eating disorder. So it isn't just the desire to be skinny that is slowly driving me down this path. It's also the constant voice in my head telling me I'm fat and idk maybe I am and that's why my ex left me. I honestly don't know anymore. So far for the past week I have been sending myself meanspo, and pro ana tips and allowing others online call me fat and shit. I'm at a part of my life where idk anymore. Sorry for the long post.
34 i am now and bulimic since i was 12. I still struggle, ups and downs. Never i got skinny from purging, only a lot of problems.
34 i am now and bulimic since i was 12. I still struggle, ups and downs. Never i got skinny from purging, only a lot of problems.
Gosh! I was close to such kind of death for 2 times seriously and one was just 3 days ago.. At night.. 6 years with bulimia.
I have always been aware of this website but never came and checked in detail.. Until now..
Thank you so much for sharing this story.
I am scared. I consume only about 250 kcal a day. I wanna get better but esch time i eat somethibg i start crying and cutting myself.. i dont kniw what to do. This recently started so im not underweight yet, so idk if i should say it to anyone.. I wanna get better but idk how.
This photo gives me chills. I look and see a horrible sight that I both want to know more and know too much about. I don’t know if I have necessarily an eating disorder, but I know my relationship with food is not normal. I overate and was obese for most of my childhood. Then at about 11 years old I lost a lot of weight and got down to a fair weight, but I hated the number on the scale and thought I was still fat. I started eating even less until I got to 86 pounds. Then I got a plan and just kept gaining weight so I was angry and decided I would stop eating lunch and keep my calories under 1200. And I got down to 87 pounds and was happy with how I looked and felt, aside from being cold and dizzy and lethargic. Now I am trying to get better. I went to the nutritionist and I’m starting to cooperate with the food plan she gave me. I’m horrified of weight gain and want so desperately to stay skinny. I know if I gain I will restrict again. I’ve weighed myself twice today and once two days ago. Already, the number has gone up. :,( It might be water weight, I hope. I’m just sick of being “average” or “fat”. I want to be skinny. I’m sick of pretending to be happy.
My name is Tosha and how heart ranching it was to see the photo of a beautiful young life taken by an eat disorder a deadly addiction. I can realte with the addiction perspective side of this but not an eating disorder, ive battled drug addiction for 9 years and relate that the mental and the obseession is a deadly disorder and ive had been one percintage of being the one that was able to still be in recovery ive had plenty of doctor's tell my family its on the higher whom myself calls god that saved me from death im so greatful today n im working on a rebulding my family relationships and being a Mother to my 2 precious daoughters. My heart goes out to everyone here and out there that is struggling its hard but know your worth it , your Beautiful and uniquely made and never ever believe the lies from the enemy telling us were not because we can an we can all overcome this im sending love prayers and postive energy to you all. Im here as well if anyone wants to speak with me through email my email is toshakessinger88@gmail.com
❤Tosha
Ik wist niet dat het zo gevaarlijk kon zijn dat binging. Misschien heeft dit bericht iets met mensen gedaan die er van af willen in die zin dat je er van schrikt. Hoop dat mensen de weg terug vinden naar een zo gewoon mogelijk leven en dat je het in de hand hebt. Bad habit misschien. Je zelf doelen stellen. kaliumverlies kan gevaarlijk zijn.
I did n"t know that tis could be so dangerous. It damages your health. A bad habit pattern. I hope that this can change and opens people"s eyes to change your life with a healthy habit pattern. It is not so easy as it sounds but this is real shocking to see this picture. You can not always see it on the outside.
I seen this post in 2008 but i thought there was another pic what happened to the other pic??
Hi Im natalia
I was underweight since I was teenager
Im 4'9 and 83 pound
In my college years I gain weight rapidly because bingeing on food, but never throwing up, I still remember the pain in my stomach after bingeing
I weight 138 pound,
Im so sick to see my body so I start dieting, I lost 10kg then I got bullied because of my big body
I start to cutting calorie until i only eat 600 kal ,my weight drop to 94 pound,
I start to feel dizzy, hair loss, weaknesses
I know i have problem with food, I really loved food but all I do is restrict every single day, Im afraid that one day I can't no longer hold the hunger I will binge until I die like this young girl, Im so afraid that it would be happen to me, because I restrict everyday and the hunger kills me.
I know I need help but I can't open this with my family, I'm sad and lonely, depressed and I wanted to change. Im so scared for this happen to me. I will try to fix my self and not restrict anymore. I will do it slowly and getting better is all i want right now.
I really want to purge, but lately I'll I've been doing is binge then starve for days until I feel so dehydrated and hungry that I binge. I want to stop I really do I just want to be better but I dont know where to start, I cant talk to my family or boyfriend about this. I haven't slept in 2 days. I dont want to end up like this, but I also dont want to me unloved and fatter
hey...I know I'm a stranger on the internet, but please know that you'll always be loved. always. okay?
Thank you. Feeling very suicidal today. Coming back here and reading this helped me calm dowm.
Big hugs to you, Yaya. Thinking of you. ❤️
Just found you're website through youtube, thank you so much for sharing this post, I have eating disorder since I was 6, and at the age is 13 I started to binge and purge. I was super skinny but when I was almost 17 I got help and started my recovery, now because os this pandemic I gained more than 6kg and this make me get back and purge again in September. I've been in treatment and didn't stop since I was 16, in less than 2 months I stopped to purge by my own (I'm glad about that now after reading this). Now in January I started losing weight by eating wealthy and getting back to do exercise. I'm from Brasil and I just want to really say that this post is save me right now because I was really considering to let bulimia win again
Wow. I am so heart broken by this. I don’t even have words.
My name is Jordan, I’m 14 and I’m in recovery from aneroxia. Even though I go weeks with barley eating, I’m still in recovery becuase relapse is a part of it. I compulsively exercise at least once a week.
I cannot imagine what that girl faced every day. But I’m sure a small portion of what she faced is what we all face.
“ I’m so fat” “ who would want this body?” “ why am I like this?” “ I need to skip more meals” “ I need to workout more”. ALL OF IT.
And this lifted my head up. Brought my attention to how these disorders are absolutely deadly. No good come from this. Having a “skinny” body might seem worth your life, but it’s not.
I had been starving myself all week when I saw this. And I’m not saying I’ll never starve myself again, but this made me get up and eat a meal.
These disorders kill. They don’t want the best for you. They feed you lies over and over and over and over. That’s what they do best. And I know some motivational speech won’t stop your ED because that’s just not how it works. But if it helps you go and get something to eat?? That’s big progress.
You have a human body. You are human. Not an alien, not a beetle, not any of that. Humans get almost everything they need from food. Energy, mood, brain activity. All of it from food. Our organs are like mini humans too. Our organs need food and oxygen too. So, we need to listen to our hunger signals. Our body’s are smart. Even when we think they aren’t they are. They know what’s best for you. So when they say they’re hungry, they mean it. It’s saying it needs energy, and nourishment for your brain and organs. And when it says it’s full, it means that’s enough for right now. But I’ll be hungry later! And we will keep getting hungry and we will keep nourishing because that’s what we do! Those voices in your head are WRONG. They speak to you like your not human. They speak to you like your body can function on no food, which is FALSE!
And society. Oh society. Telling us we need to have rock hard abs or and hourglass body. Guess what? Society is flawed. Nobody is perfect. Literally nobody. So whoever is saying that is speaking out of their own flaws. They’re compromised brain that sees the world wrong.
THE MOST IMPORTANT PARTS OF YOURSELF ARE THINGS YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN A MIRROR.
I wish the best for anyone reading this. And God bless that girl and her family. I am so sorry that she had to live through that.
Wow. I am so heart broken by this. I don’t even have words.
My name is Jordan, I’m 14 and I’m in recovery from aneroxia. Even though I go weeks with barley eating, I’m still in recovery becuase relapse is a part of it. I compulsively exercise at least once a week.
I cannot imagine what that girl faced every day. But I’m sure a small portion of what she faced is what we all face.
“ I’m so fat” “ who would want this body?” “ why am I like this?” “ I need to skip more meals” “ I need to workout more”. ALL OF IT.
And this lifted my head up. Brought my attention to how these disorders are absolutely deadly. No good come from this. Having a “skinny” body might seem worth your life, but it’s not.
I had been starving myself all week when I saw this. And I’m not saying I’ll never starve myself again, but this made me get up and eat a meal.
These disorders kill. They don’t want the best for you. They feed you lies over and over and over and over. That’s what they do best. And I know some motivational speech won’t stop your ED because that’s just not how it works. But if it helps you go and get something to eat?? That’s big progress.
You have a human body. You are human. Not an alien, not a beetle, not any of that. Humans get almost everything they need from food. Energy, mood, brain activity. All of it from food. Our organs are like mini humans too. Our organs need food and oxygen too. So, we need to listen to our hunger signals. Our body’s are smart. Even when we think they aren’t they are. They know what’s best for you. So when they say they’re hungry, they mean it. It’s saying it needs energy, and nourishment for your brain and organs. And when it says it’s full, it means that’s enough for right now. But I’ll be hungry later! And we will keep getting hungry and we will keep nourishing because that’s what we do! Those voices in your head are WRONG. They speak to you like your not human. They speak to you like your body can function on no food, which is FALSE!
And society. Oh society. Telling us we need to have rock hard abs or and hourglass body. Guess what? Society is flawed. Nobody is perfect. Literally nobody. So whoever is saying that is speaking out of their own flaws. They’re compromised brain that sees the world wrong.
THE MOST IMPORTANT PARTS OF YOURSELF ARE THINGS YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN A MIRROR.
I wish the best for anyone reading this. And God bless that girl and her family. I am so sorry that she had to live through that.
❤️ Jordan ❤️
Hello Medusa, I can't help but cry reading these comments, I think it's so sweet how you still reply to them years later, much love ❤️
Thanks so much, Anonymous, for writing and for your very kind words. All the very best to you, Medusa ❤️
Her stomach area looks bloated
I’m not really sure where to start but I think a good place is to say: thank you Medusa for uploading this, keeping it up, and continuing to reply to people through so many years.
I just need to vent I guess so I’m going to write about my experience. Maybe it’ll offer some clarity for myself, I don’t know.
My ED developed around the time I was 12 and continued through the rest of middle school and early high school. I was binging and purging and it was completely destroying me but because I never got to a really low weight and I did good in school I think no one really noticed. This in itself fueled me to keep going because I remember thinking to myself that they all KNEW but they agreed I would look better if I wasn’t fat.
In high school I met others who also were struggling with their mental health and eventually I sought help from a counselor/therapist (without anyone ever knowing besides a few close friends). I slowly recovered for the most part; of course I still had some disordered eating habits and at times it’d show up more than others, but I was mostly doing okay.
Then, I went off to college in a new state, away from everyone I knew. I started a new life and I had thought everything was okay. I had my ups and downs but it was no big deal. Then covid happened during my 2nd year and things (unrelated to my ed) started falling apart. I think because I was so stressed and depressed, BED showed up and progressively got worse and worse as I finished college. It was making life impossible. I was binging and not purging because I was so scared of what the purging had done to me when I was younger. I figured binging couldn’t be AS harmful (not true ofc). I gained a bunch of weight that only made me feel worse and fueled my binging, as if that makes any sense. There were so many nights where I would eat so much I couldn’t sleep, then would continue to eat throughout the night, resulting in me having to skip classes so I could lay in bed or be in the bathroom all day from how sick and sore I felt.
I’m 23 now and I’ve graduated (I still don’t know how I managed to do it through that, although of course my grades still suffered). Over the recent months I’ve began to fast, restrict, binge and purge all at the same time, jumping back and forth between all of them. I’m home a lot of the time and lonely since all my friends from college are in a different state. I feel disgusting in my body as I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been and I just don’t know how to control the binging, which is what leads to everything else. I figure I have to make up for the binging in some way, but then the other things just make me hungrier and trigger the binges more. I feel stuck in a never ending loop.
I remember seeing this story a few years back, when I was maybe around 15? And it scared me a lot, and it was something that stayed with me until I finally sought help. I feel disappointed and hurt by myself for having relapsed so badly. I’m not sure what to do or what I really want at the moment but I remembered this and came looking for it. I don’t want this to take complete control over my life. I think I’ll try to look for resources soon.
Sending all my best wishes Medusa.
Thanks for stating this. You hit the nail on the head with your insight! I am experiencing that same sentiment with my daughter. Sad that society sees it this way. That needs to change. We need to be that change.
Nana, thanks so much for reaching out and for your lovely comments about my site.
You've been through so much and my heart breaks for you. Please get in touch with NEDA at https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/learn/general-information/recovery. They will be able to help you in your recovery.
Sending much love and very best wishes.
Medusa xo
Hopeful, thank you for taking the time to comment. All the very best to you and your daughter.
Medusa xo
I have this saved on my phone and come back to it every time I feel the urge to make myself sick. I’m currently going through a small relapse and I’m determined not to let it take over like it has done in the past x
Anonymous, I so hope your determination wins the battle. Sending much love and my very best wishes to you in your recovery. Medusa xo
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