From an ana forum:
"THIS IS TO THE GIRL WHO SAID SHE "WANTS" TO BE ANOREXIC...
So...you think starving is a good way to lose weight, do you? I think you've read too many fairy tales. Well, this isn't one. Neither are eating disorders. They are sheer & total HELL. But, since you want one, I'll go ahead & prep you for it. I'll let you know exactly what will happen to you. If this doesn't make you realize how completely stupid running out there & trying to develop anorexia is, then I wish you the best of luck in killing yourself. Because that's all you'll be doing.
The completely ironic part about people trying to lose weight by starving is that half the time it does not work. I bet you think you'll wind up insanely thin & gorgeous, right? Wrong. You won't be gorgeous .One thing's for certain. Insane is a definite part of the package. Your mind won't be yours anymore. Kiss it goodbye, I hope you didn't enjoy it.
The less you eat, the lower your metabolism goes. You might starve & starve & barely lose anything...or you might be extra lucky...you might starve & starve & gain weight. Your body might just shut itself down & the weight go nowhere. & even though you aren't losing, you'll still be HOOKED. You still won't be able to stop. By the time your body shuts off from malnutrition, you'll be too far in it to *snap* think "Oh...this isn't working...I think I'll eat again." No...you'll be desperate & eat less & less & work out more and more. Eventually, you won't be ABLE to work out. Your muscles will eventually stop cooperating. Then you'll panic & try & eat even less to compensate for not being able to work your ass off (simply a figure of speech, since you're not losing any weight, of course). By then you can't eat less though. You're barely eating enough to stay alive as it is. & you can't stop. It isn't working & you still can't stop. & whether its working or not, you won't see the truth. You'll never actually know what you look like. Nope...no matter what you'll think you must weigh at least four hundred pounds. This is true if you weigh 150 or if you weigh 70. You will be fat. Insane is the proper term for it, isn't it? Yes, you might just be one of the lucky ones, one of the ones that doesn't lose weight. But don't sit there & think that means you won't be sick. Not true...not true at all. Your skin & hair will be dry, your teeth sore, your period gone, your bones aching, your muscles cramping...well, no need to go on. You still want this, of course. After all, you won't be like that. You won't be one of the failures. You'll be successful; you'll be thin & perfect. Beautiful.
Well, since you're going to win, why don't I tell you about your prize, hmm?? It's quite nice. You will be skinny. You will be sickly thin. Your ribs will stand out & your hipbones will be sharp. You won't see it. You'll look in the mirror & see fat. You'll see rolls. You'll look at girls who weight fifty pounds more than you & wonder why you can't be as thin as they are. You'll look in the mirror everyday & swear that you've gained at least ten pounds. Other people will see you shrink but you won't get to watch. You'll never see the truth. Others will though. You'll be sickly skinny...but you won't be pretty. & they'll all see that. You won't though...you'll be too busy staring at your ass & wondering when you turned into your fat Aunt Bertha. You will not be attractive. You won't. You'll have huge dark circles. Your skin will be pasty pale & have a lovely gray tint to it. Makeup will NOT help this. It won't, so don't think it will. Don't even bother to attempt it. You'll be wasting your time; time that could be better spent doing your usual pastime, staring into the pantry to watch the food. Of course, people might not notice that you're gray. They could be too busy staring at the dark black, blue, & purple spots you're covered in. Everything you do will result in a bruise. Everything.
Do you have pretty hair? You won't anymore. It will be straw dry & dull. It will not shine. Think conditioner will help? It won't. It won't & there's no sense in trying it. It might soften your hair for a while (after you use half the bottle, of course) but it won't make your hair look any better. Buy a ponytail holder. You'll need it. You'll probably be wearing it all the time. You'll also need some hair dye. I sincerely hope your hair isn't a nice color....because it won't be soon. Yes...the color of your hair will fade out. You might even get grays. But gray is a nice color, isn't it? I rather like it. I think the grayish brown color where my natural red and blonde highlights used to be adds a bit of...oh...dignity to my look.
Speaking of hair, do you like facial hair? I hope so. You'll have it. I have some lovely sideburns. Quite gorgeous. Actually, I have sexy hair everywhere. Fuzz, fuzz, fuzz. It's hot. All the guys love it and all the girls I know ask how to get some. They're jealous, you know. I tell them how I got it, starving. They never attempt it...I know why though. Its not because they're smart & healthy...no, no. Its because they're weak. Not strong like me. Of course, my muscles are deteriorating as we speak & I can no longer use even my five pound weights but I'm still strong, aren't I? Yes...because I don't eat. & that's true strength, isn't it? Denying yourself the basic fuel you need for life. Yup...strong & smart.
I bet you're one of those girls will the enviable natural nails. Those shiny ones that are so long people sometimes think they're fake? Cut them. Go ahead & cut them off now. They'll only break soon anyway.
Kiss your newly gray hair goodbye too. It'll be falling out about now. You get to clean the drain about 6 times during your shower, just so the water will go down.
Also, you'll need to find a way to throw away your tampons to make it look as if you've been using them. Remember to tell your mom to buy you tampons once a month. Can't have her knowing you lost your period. & you will. I hope you're not having sex because you'll never know if you're pregnant or not. I guess you can just take a test every few weeks. & yes...you can still get pregnant. I hope you don't love the baby though, because chances are you'll lose it. It would probably be for the best if you did though because of the nice birth defects caused by eating disorders. So, you might get to live with the knowledge that your child died or had to go through life with a terrible disability because of you...but it was worth it for thinness. A small price to pay for perfection, even though you're not the one paying it. Who needs their full mental capabilities anyway? I hope your kid doesn't. But that might not be a problem. You might never have children. You might become infertile. Oh well...pregnancy makes you fat anyway.
Since you're one of the special ones, one of the anorexic ones, I'll bet you enjoy ice water. Pour it out. Drink plain water, warm diet coke. It hurts too badly to drink iced drinks. You're taking sensitive teeth to a new level. Forget those special toothpastes though. They don't work when your teeth are slowly dying from vitamin deficiencies. Never liked those teeth anyway. Dentures are nice.
How do you like to sit? Oh...you like your legs crossed? Hmm...too bad. Can't do that anymore. Your legs will fall asleep all the way up to your hips. Painfully asleep. This isn't like what you're used to, that tingly feeling. This hurts. A word of advice. After uncrossing them, just sit there. Don't try moving them or hitting them to wake them up. Bad idea...very painful. Don't stand up either, unless you enjoy collapsing.
Fainting is common too. & don't think this is something you can hide. Whenever you pass out dead in the living room in front of your mom or brother they'll wonder why...and unless they're complete idiots they'll probably know why...especially if you're 30 pounds underweight. Get ready for nagging. Eat this, eat that, why are you doing this to yourself??
You could always go to your room to escape though. Then you can lie in bed & bite your lip until it bleeds...why would you want to do that, do you ask? Because of the leg cramps, of course...oh! I must've forgotten to mention those! Oooh...the cramps are nice. Your muscles are balled into excruciating knots. You'll double over to massage the knots out and...what? There are no knots. There IS no rubbing the knots out because there are no knots. It just feels like it. There's nothing you can do. You just get to lie there & try not to scream. & trust me...you'll want to. Of course, you could always rub your legs anyway...it might make you feel better to pretend there's something you can do to help them. But you might not be thinking about your legs...you might be distracted by the headaches. Take some aspirin...oooh...or don't. Your tummy's too empty; it'll only make you throw up everywhere.
It's worth it right? Anything's worth it, even your hair, nails, bones, muscles, possible children, your family's heart, everything. Sacrifice it all, throw it all away. You're thin now, that's what counts, even though you don't know it.
You'll probably get chest pains. Maybe heart flutters. This is scary too, because you never wanted to die, you just wanted to be thin. But remember, you can't tell. Telling is forbidden & asking for help is weak.
Do you have problems with depression? You do now. The less you eat the more depressed you become. Partially from vitamin deficiencies, partially from your lovely eating disorder. Do you have problems with insomnia? That's right, you've got that now too. You're exhausted beyond belief but you still can't fall asleep...& when you do you can't stay asleep. Who needs sleep though?? Not you. Staying awake burns more calories anyway.
Do you do well in school? You don't now. You can't concentrate. Your mind won't function, & the only thing you can actually think about is food anyway. Your grades will fall. Want to recover? You'll probably have to leave school. How does repeating a grade sound?
Do you like going out with friends? You won't for long. You'll be afraid someone might notice how obese you are. You can't leave the house now without hiding under tons of clothes...you're terrified someone might see your repulsive body. You'll become more nervous too. Jittery. You'll also have difficulty talking. Oh...have you never had a stuttering problem? Well, you do now. You also forget what you wanted to say alot. Goodbye memory. And you can't go out with friends anyway, so I guess it's a good thing you no longer enjoy it. If you go out with friends they might want to eat! Maybe they'll want to go to a restaurant or the movies. How can you explain that you don't want any popcorn? How can you find an excuse for sitting there at the table sipping Diet Dr. Pepper or nibbling a salad & water while everyone else has cheeseburgers?? You can't. & they might make you eat. You can't do that...no. But why do they want you to eat? Is it because they care? No. Its because they WANT you to be fat!! How dare they?? They're jealous...that's it, they're jealous. Soon you'll realize something. Everyone wants you to be fat. Your parents, your siblings, teachers, friends. The world is against you & they all want you to spiral into morbid obesity. Get away from them. All of them. They don't understand & they're plotting your downfall. You can't have that, you can't lose this. Every time someone urges you to eat or recover "for your health" you know the truth. They hate you & want you to be fat. Push them away. Push away all the people who love you. That's the only way you'll ever be thin.
Israeli model, Hila Elmalich, RIP
Isabelle CaroBut one day this will be over. One day you will either die or recover. Death is easier. First you'll have to admit you need help (that is, on the chance that you haven't been forced into recovery...recovery that will not work until you cooperate). This is one of the hardest things you've ever done. Maybe you'll tell your mom. She might be wonderfully supportive, she might've already known. Or maybe she won't think you have a real problem. Then you're on your own. Maybe you'll tell your doctor. & if you tell your mom, she'll take you to a doctor. Then its better. You're safe now, they'll help you. They'll understand. Wrong. A degree is not an insurance against ignorance. & speaking of insurance, it only pays so much on mental health problems. And ED treatment costs are outrageous. So, even if you find a doctor that knows his ass from a hole in the ground you might not be able to get help. You might not be able to afford it.
As you recover, your school might have to know. Your teachers will not understand. Students might find out. They won't understand either. Their comments will hurt, you'll want to scream when they ask why you don't just eat. They might call you fat just for fun. Someone might start to admire you & try to become anorexic too...but then, you've been there. You wanted to be anorexic once & you never realized how stupid you were. You know it now, but it's too late. Its too late & you have to fight this or die...& fighting it is the hardest thing you've ever done. You'll put food in your mouth, that disgusting, terrible food & panic & want to cry. Maybe you will cry. Maybe you'll freak & spit it back out. Maybe you'll refuse to eat & get a lovely feeding tube. Triggers are everywhere & you want to kill yourself more with each bite you swallow. Maybe you will kill yourself. Maybe you'll fight & fight & enter recovery only to die while in recovery or even afterwards from complications caused by your years of having an eating disorder.
After fighting for the longest time, maybe you will get out. Maybe, after numerous slip ups & times that where so hard you thought you'd die, you recover. It takes a while. Even after you've eaten right for months & months your body still isn't the same. You start to wonder if it will ever be the same again. It might, but you won't. No. This will always be a part of you, it will never go away. Years later it will still be with you, you will still have those moments. Sometimes you'll pass a mirror & suddenly be 200 pounds larger. You'll panic & shake your head, trying to clear the image away. Something will happen in your life, maybe you'll lose your job. Something will happen to take away your control & you'll try to gain it back through starving. You will NEVER be the same. You'll see an article on a someone with an eating disorder & you'll start to cry, remembering that terrible pain. I'm not talking about the physical pain. That's the only pain I described, because it's the only part that's describable. There are no words for the mental anguish. It can never be described. It's unimaginable. You'll never feel another pain like that, another pain so filled with self loathing, vulnerability, terror, rage, desolation...
WHY do you want this?? WHY?!? I know, even after reading this, that you're still sitting there, wanting this. Why? What is it you want?? Is it beauty? Do you honestly think you won't be like this?? Do you honestly think malnutrition won't steal your looks? Is it glamour? READ THIS. Show me the glamour. Is it control?? Let me tell you, you'll NEVER be more out of control than you are when you have an eating disorder. You don't control what you put in your mouth. Hell, you don't even control your thoughts. You have NO control. None.
Do you honestly think that you'll be able to do this & not wind up this way? Do you think you are the one person on earth who can control this, who can just stop??? Do you think that maybe you can just do this, get thin, & stop?? WRONG! It doesn't work that way. Do you WANT to die? Do you want to be a martyr or something? Do you think this is beautiful? I bet you think its some sort of tragic beauty. Its not. There's nothing beautiful about it. Do you want some attention? Buy a new eyeliner, dance naked in the streets. Needing attention is a natural thing but there are a hell of alot better ways to get it.
Father of sisters Luisel Ramos and Eleana (aka Eliana) Ramos, who both died from anorexia, at the funeral of Eleana
Eleana Ramos, RIP
Luisel Ramos, RIPDo you want to look at your family's faces & know that you're killing them too? Imagine watching your child killing themselves, imagine your helplessness, imagine KNOWING that they're dying & KNOWING that there's NOTHING that you can do. Imagine fearing the day you'll come home to find them dead from this. Just sit there & try to think about it. Of course, while you're starving yourself you won't see that anguish. You won't be able to. You can't see anything, you're too self absorbed. You're too busy thinking about your weight, about food. You'll see it when you recover though & you'll hate yourself for doing that to the ones you love. You'll wish there was something you could do to erase it but there is nothing. You just have to live with it...& living with it is hard. Especially when you think of how many times your anger came out on them, how many times you got nasty when they were only trying to save your life. You'll hate yourself.
Young girl who died from a ruptured stomach(See: ARE YOU ANOREXIC / BULIMIC / PRO ANA / PRO MIA ?)
But do you know what? Self-hatred is the least of your worries now. Because you've likely just signed your own death warrant...& you likely don't even care...yet. But you will. You will care. You will care & you will cry & rage & swear you'd give anything to take it all back. But it's too late, because by the time you're in deep enough to care, you're already dying. Its too late to snap out of it now, no matter how much you want to.
This is the reality of anorexia. It is nothing like the powerful articles you read on how so & so overcame it. It is nothing like the beauty you see when you look at that thin model. It is nothing like that beautiful popular girl who naturally weighs 80lbs. It is nothing like anything you've ever lived before & you will never be the same."
~~~~~~~~~~
The section, QUICKLINKS TO MEDUSA'S POSTS ON EATING DISORDERS, on the right-hand side of my blog has other posts on Luisel & Eleana Ramos, Hila Elmalich, Isabelle Caro, Ana Carolina Reston, Aimee Moore, lanugo (facial & body hair), etc.
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124 comments:
These girls make me want to cry. These disorders are such a waste of young lives full of potential.
Medusa, What a powerful post! I hope that even one person who reads this changes their mind.
My granddaughter has been through much physical pain, but she hid the mental pain so well that I was unaware of it. This was really eye-opening! I'm in shock and more fearful than ever that she will relapse. But we communicate frequently, and I try to anchor her with my love. It's all I can do.
This is so sad and not comfortable to read. Bless you Medusa for all the long hours you spend researching and working to get the word out to girls and women at risk.
If you don't mind, I'm going to steal this to post at the Kimkins groups and pro-ana/bulimia/vlcd forums.
I knew the woman who wrote this.
I want anorexia.
An absolutely riveting read.
Thank you everyone so much for your comments.
Perfect description. I have always wanted to write about what it is like to live with anorexia. I just find it so overwhelming and really are there words to discribe the emotional and psychological torture?
I would love to know if anyone considering to "become anorxic" had a change of heart after reading something like this.
Butterfly, I truly hope the post will give at least one person pause.
Thanks so much for taking the time to comment.
Well done post. I have been trapped with anorexia for roughly 25 years and was finally diagnosed terminal because of the permanent damage I've done to my organs.
Tomorrow I am headed into a hospice in hope for improving quality of my remaining life, treatment facilities are no longer an option for me as I am often a case that scares doctors away from taking my case as they fear when I die they will be sued for not being able to do anything to prolong my life.
Anorexia Nervosa has controlled everything in my life since I was a young girl. I had eating issues for years before I was diagnosed, it took me to fall into a coma at 13 and get rushed to the ER before I was finally diagnosed...and given 10 years inpatient. O_o
The cause of my anorexia (and a ridiculous amount of others) was (numerous) sexual assaults throughout my life. I am disgusted by the pro-ED movement, it makes a joke out of everything those who actually ARE eating disordered have been through.
Who the bloody hell would willingly chose this? These idiots no nothing of what real eating disorders are, they are but crash dieters sending large amounts of misinformation only troubling the truly eating disordered population.
(I know I'm going on, and on..)
I used to (when I was able to leave my home, I'm now in a wheelchair and more often bedridden.) go down the block from my apartment and get idiots screaming at me, laughing or taking pictures of me, often telling me "no guy would ever want to have you, you look so disgusting!"
But that was exactly what I (and so many others in this situation) WANTED. To be sexually unappealing.
Sorry for the novel, those buggers just really piss me off.
(((BonyPink)))
My heart goes out to you.
Your story is so powerful, and as I'm afraid it will be lost here in the comment section of this post, I am going to edit my post to share with others what you have shared with me...your incredibly heartbreaking story.
Words escape me when I think of what you've been through. I am so sorry.
Sending hugs and love your way.
~ Medusa
I'm not a size 000 anymore I'm a size 1 now but I still have my fall backs.... am I still gunna die??? I'm scared now!
I was idly browsing the net, bored, when I stumbled across this post and I simply had to sign in and comment.
Thank you so much for providing such insight on the subject of anorexia. I always assumed that everyone, if not experts on eating disorders, were at least clued up enough to know the dangers of embarking on such a lifestyle.
Of course it's not as simple as that, since most anorexia and bulimia sufferers don't 'want' to be in that position. How on earth could this girl want to? A girl I know told me about her own battle with anorexia and it was pretty much what you described verbatim.
I suppose in a sense I'm lucky because I stopped trying to make myself throw up when I realised that, not only was I feeling like hell, but vomiting is avoided at all costs in most situations for a reason. That and ramming a toothbrush down your throat hurts...a lot.
I really really hope the girl you addressed this to at least gives her decision a second thought. My heart goes out to you personally for being so strong as to share your experience and inform people.
MJ, thanks so much for your comments.
I can't take credit for those powerful words. Those words were posted in an ana forum.
I have been trying to track down the author. If anyone knows who she/he is, please let me know so I am able to give the post proper attribution.
Many thanks.
~ Medusa
(((Amanda)))
I'm so glad to hear you're now a size 1. Please eat enough to keep your daily calories above 1200 minimum. I know that probably sounds like a lot of calories, but it's essential so your body doesn't start feeding on your internal organs (including your heart) in order to keep you alive. Sorry to be so blunt, but it could be a matter of life and death.
Sending positive, healing thoughts your way, Amanda.
Hugs,
~ Medusa
I am a 25 year old man living in the UK. I have just read this article and it really hit me that eating disorders seem fashionable these days. I have spent the past 9 years battling an eating disorder. It has basically ruined my younger years. I wonder why people want to train themselves into having an eating disorder; I know that if I knew then what I know now I wouldn't have stuck my fingers down my throat for the first time! This disease, yes disease needs irradicating. I feel I'm finally getting over this after years off self torture, and even more, years of torturing my family! Please find the strength not to start and if you are already in that place, I beg you to get help. Being thin is not the most important thing in life. Being comfortable with yourself is! Shout me @ Jay.price83@Gmail.com
Take care guys xxx
(((Jay)))
Thanks SO much for your very insightful comments.
I am so glad to hear that you're on the road to recovery.
And I hope those who are toying with the pro-ana/mia "lifestyle" heed your warnings. If not, the consequences can be deadly.
Again, thanks so much for taking the time to comment, Jay. All the best to you...
Medusa
xoxo
I'm crying now from reading this post. I have chronic anorexia and, while I've never been able to find the words to describe my struggle, I can identify with what the author wrote - particularly the frustration that anyone would "want" to be anorexic.
It's not just about being thin, and it's a slippery slope once you start. Right now, I can't imagine having a life without anorexia, but I also can't imagine being alive in 5-10 years. I've had to go to the emergency room recently for my heart, and my doctor is concerned that I could have a heart attack or go into heart failure at any time.
I'm sure this is not the glamorous or pretty side pro-anorexics desire. Medusa, thanks so much for posting this. I only hope that it has half the effect on its intended readers as it did on me.
Thank you so much for this!
i recently started throwing up. Although my friends dont think im fat i do. But reading this brought tears to my eyes. It helped to realize that bulimia is not the way to go. Thank you, you probaly just saved my life.
God Bless You!
To Anonymous who posted @ 12:38 a.m., February 8/09:
Thank you so much for commenting. My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry you are suffering so with anorexia.
Sending hugs your way and hope that you will be able to beat this terrible disease...
To Anonymous who posted @ 9:51 p.m., February 8/09:
Oh, sweetie, I'm so glad you posted. If your friends don't think you're fat, then you're not. Please believe them.
The worst thing you can do is start purging. Full-blown bulimia will then arrive quickly...and bulimia is so often deadly.
I'm so glad the post touched you. You're right. Bulimia is not the way to go.
Wishing you years and years of health and happiness...
Hugs,
Medusa
this is truly a most amazing website. thank u for it! it has open my eyes and made me see how unattractive anorexia is. as a model i often feel pressure to regurgitate my food or to simply not eat. i now see that if i value my health this is simply not an option. thank you medusa.
To Anonymous who posted on February 9, 2009 @ 4:41 AM:
Thanks SO much for your very kind comments. I appreciate it so much.
I'm so happy to hear you've decided to no longer succumb to the pressure to purge or not eat. Both are deadly.
Again, many thanks for taking the time to comment, Anonymous.
Wishing you good health always...
Medusa
xoxoxo
I wish I found out about this site before I fell into such hell. I never wanted to be this it just happened it seems. Who in hell would want to be Anorexic? But sadly too many do, if young kids are already wanting to destroy themselves by wanting to be this I would just tell them to buy a gun.
I read this article and it almost made me want to eat something but it seems the grip on this disorder is way too strong. After awhile kids, it's not about being thin at all it's just about keeping this monster, after all you end up with no friends so this is all you have. You can't deal with life so you stay in your room with a little weight chart.You write in notebooks telling yourself "Today will be the day I will not screw up that I will finally stick to whatever" you end up screwing up you eat and eat because you've forgotten what it feels like to not be hungry and that feeling is good. You eat a small piece of anything and you feel failure, then you binge because you have already failed. You're scared and you weigh yourself and you think about that promise you made and how you failed. You lie to everyone but you tell yourself never to lie to yourself, but you do.
Then you purge, but it's difficult sometimes and that panics you.(You remember on the Medusa site of the bulimic/ana girl who dies over the toilet, she looks like you and that bugs you but you purge anyway taking your chances.)
No one wants to have this, it isolates you it will be the only thing you have. No one is going to be jealous, no one will care that you're thin because you're no one.
Just wake up and realize that this demon of a disease is going to consume you and take everything you have until your are dead, ugly and nothing.
Death is not the thing you should even worry about because at some point you will want to die and that will come very fast. Like this article says the mental pain is indescribable, you feel worthless all the time your disease tells you that sweet old lie that everything will get better when you're 80lbs, it will let you have a wonderful life once you met your goal.Wake up!Realize that you've already lost 20 pounds and that no matter the weight you want more. I will also tell you that no matter how thin you get you will always be fat. There is no perfect weight but death. You will also gain weight back even if you eat only once a day, and the mental horror of feeling like a failure will be with you forever. You can never destroy that feeling of shame.
I can write this and see what is happening to myself but I can never escape this disease. If you want an eating disorder I would recommend you get a tattoo that says "sick" on your forehead, it will last a lifetime and will let people know right away not to waste there friendship with a diseased rodent like yourself.
I apologize for the rant but this is not something anyone wants.
I do not know why any one would find this atrative I just find this apauling I would like to being skinny is one thing but that is just a wole diffrent story I would rather be fat then looking like that These girls make me want to cry. These disorders are such a waste of young lives full of potential. What I'm trying to say it DISCUSTING I'm still trying to get over the fact that people think that looks good in any way!
is it okay if i use one of the pictures on your site for a public awareness project at my school? im doing a poster on anorexia and bulimia and theres a picture which looks like a painting of a red haired which i would like to use. thank you!
To Anonymous who posted on March 6, 2009 at 2:31 PM,
Yes, please feel free to use the picture for your school project.
And thank you for asking!
All the best,
Medusa
Thanks for the post. My friend wants to be anorexic, and maybe she will change her mind after reading this.
this is very powerful. i have often thought about becoming anorexic, not because i think i'm fat, but i am not strong enough to be anorexic. i hope i am not strong enough. i am too shy and i can't explain myself. the reason i wanted ( and partially still want) to be anorexic is because no one notices me. my friends don't really care about me and that bugs me. i want them to worry about me. i suffer from depression and i constantly think about suicide. nut i don't want to die, i just want people to know i am trying to be noticed. and i think anorexia is the way to get noticed.
this post has impacted me a lot. i hope that i can overcome that want, and hopefully not just commit suicide.
these problems people have are not a joke. they are serious. if anyone out there is trying to get noticed, don't do it my way. it has too many consequences.
i am worried about this comment i am sorry medusa if it doesn't help anyone. i honestly hope this site will help people.
wow. I was definitely beating myself up for being a more chunkier person, and played with the idea, only played, but that was intense.Like a beating from a nun. You've definitely made me think twice. Thanks.
Good luck with yourself.
hi, it's hard for me to write my thoughts as i am not english and those thughts are just kind of hard for me to explain, but i just want to thank you for this article. i'm not terribly thin (i hope) as i'm 47kg/169cm, but i've been having eating problems for a while. i always had a fantastic metabolism and was just healthly thin, and then i started starving, i just hope i didn't ruin it completly. is that possible to save? i didn't starve for many years, just about half a year maybe a little longer. by this time i tried to start eating normal several times but i always failed and ended up vomiting. now i hope i have someone dear to help me deal with that, i'm trying to eat normally again. just wanted you to know that you helped me so much with that. i will surely stop by later.
love~
40&4
(((40&4)))
Thank you so much for your lovely comments.
I'm sure you didn't ruin your metabolism forever, but it may take awhile to return to normal once you resume normal eating habits.
Wishing you all the best in your recovery.
Hugs,
Medusa
hi your blog is amazingly powerful. IM a size six and ive always thought i was fat! id been trying to loose weight so much that my body has become deficant in iron. No one knowsim trying to loose weight, they just think i cant eat large amounts. Well its true, now i cant. I used to be able to eat reasonable amounts now in a day im eating a bowl of cereal and usually half of what my mom makes me for tea. Im trying thought with the help of my friends to eat more. I found what you wrote really powerful and im glad i read it today. :)
Why do girls think this makes them beautiful? No-one finds that attractive. The perfect girl is sorta skinny but has a little bit of fat. Guys like breasts and hips! bones are just disgusting...go gain some weight and get a boyfriend >< and if he tells you to lose some weight. Tell him he needs to gain a few inches, that should even the playing field or just leave the jackass and find someone who doesnt have a box kite fetish.
hello, i just wanted to let you know that this is what is stopping me, ive been anorexic for two monthes.
i just wanted to be perfect
but now my life is worse then ever before and i just realized that my disorder is why, i look at pictures of skinny girls and want to be like them so bad because i think there lives are perfect, but my life isnt and maybe it doesnt have anything to do with my weight.
this post scared me from doing it anymore though, my life will never be as awesome as i want it to be if i die, thank you.
-Amy
My name is Anna. Literally. Ironic, isn't it? I'm 5"5' and weigh a proud 135. I don't remember what inspired me to become Pro-Ana, but whatever it was, Gr! I do believe it was a boy, mixed with constant stress...Anorexia is a serious disease, and I would NEVER wish it upon anyone. I am 15 years old, now. When I was 13 and 14 I weighed a scary 80 lbs. at 5"5'! You can't even imagine. I was disgusting and I hated myself. A woman in the mall one day found me staring at the Hollister size 00 jeans and wondering if I could get down to a 000 before the weekend was out. She came up to me and said, "Honey you are beautiful. Don't you know that?" And she kissed me on my cheek. Her kiss was sort of the kiss of life for me. I went home and looked into the mirror. For the first time in two years, I felt righteous. And I didn't even know why. I realized that the bones sticking out of my sides were not how I wanted to be remembered as when my grave was dug in a few years (at the rate I was going.)... That night I ate for the first time in two weeks.
Continually I ate everyday, for six months until I ran across that same lady at the boutique in the mall. I had gained roughly 40 lbs, and I was filled out. She smiled and winked and said, "I told you honey. You're beautiful." I was ASTONISHED!!! Was this my guardian angel?... I now sit here on my dining room floor nibbling steamed carrots. I've resulted my life into a beautiful thing. I eat mostly healthy foods, with some sweets occasionally. I exercise frequently, and I don't curse the meat I have on my bones.
I believe anyone with this disease, should be told their beautiful. I can't promise you it will work, but for some reason... It opened my eyes. And it saved one soul.
Honey, You Are Beautiful.
God made you perfect in his eyes. And God gave you your eyes. If you are perfect in His eyes, you are perfect in your eyes. Please if you ever are struggling with anything TELL SOMEONE. Repeat to yourself everyday "Honey You Are Beautiful."
God made you beautiful. He wants you to be happy. He wants you to be healthy. Bones are not meant to be shown.
Honey You Are Beautiful.
Anonymous on May 8, 2009 @ 9:33 PM and Amy,
Thank you both for commenting and your kind words.
All the best to you both in your recovery.
Hugs,
Medusa
Anna, what an amazing, powerful story. There's no doubt that woman was your guardian angel.
Thanks so much for sharing, and best wishes to you for continued good health.
Medusa
Everything in this article is true im 16 years old and went through it all im 5'6 and my freshman year i was 125 lbs. a healthy weight for my height but in the summer i reliezed i wanted to lose a few pounds. At first it started off as a healthy diet and exercising which i normal didnt do i got down to 105 by the begining of my sophmore year, but as the year went on i would decrease my calorie intake to only 400 calories a day.I got down to 87lbs when my parents toke me to the doctor and i was diagnosed as anorexic and depressed i was told i could die of some many things it was crazy.From their i was put on depression medicine had to see a theripsts but it wasnt enough and i was put into a behavioral hospital which was the worst day of my life i was only there for a day and after that i completey snapped out of it and was on my way to recovery...Today im 114 lbs but all in muscle i still look really thin i still watch everything i eat and run daily but now i am able to have fun with friends and not worry about food or passing out.So to all the girls out there that think no eating is the answer your wrong trust me ive been through it all and i dont wanna see anybody experience that.
(((Victoria)))
I am so glad you got your health back.
Thanks so much for sharing your story.
Hugs,
Medusa
Thank you so much for posting this amazing perspective for others to see & use.
I am a 25 year old wife & mom of two. I run a non profit org & pour myself into helping people daily. I have struggled with Anorexia for 13 years but didn't realize how badly I was hurting myself until I was hospitalized last December. I have never had body image issues & often heard that I had a beautiful body, which I agreed with.
Let me take a detour to tell you about my body now even after 6 months recovery. I can't look in the mirror without feeling sick. My smoothe olive skin is dry, cracked & pale & I have wrinkles everywhere! My hair fell out & I never go without wearing the tiny whisp I have left in a ratty little ponytail. My husband tries so hard to tell me how beautiful I am, but eee! My beautiful young teeth are wasting away and no matter how much I brush, the gums just keep receeding. My throat is raw, swollen, & bleeding from acid reflux caused by having an empty tummy all the time (I have never purged). I lost my beautiful singing voice & now sound like a smoker though I have never smoked. I cough up mucus at least 3 times a day from the injury and choke on my food because I cannot swallow properly. I NOW have anxiety about my body image & get comments about how thin and tiny I am. I am sure they are counting every bone on my body. I am, even though I am afraid to gain even a lb. Numbness? I can't recall the last time I sat down on the toilet without going so numb that I couldn't get back up. Have you ever been numb from your toes all the way up into your belly? That's truely a unique experience. I bang my hips on everything & every little bump DOES leave a huge bruise. I always wonder how that must make hubby feel. ED victims have to experience the mother of all charlie horses. I do. I used to blame them on pregnancy until I was no longer prengant. I also get painful neck spasms that require heavy sedation just to get through until the muscles relax. It takes 6 months just to be able to turn my head again - then it happens all over again. This week I was starting to feel like MAYBE I could lose JUST a few little lbs and no one would notice but admitting that all of these health issues are because of Ana, I think I have changed my mind.
I have always had a weird love/hate relationship with food, which eventually spiraled into a desire to use food and weight to help me feel in control. Releasing all of my bottled up pain & anxiety by withholding food seemed like a great idea until IT started to control me.
Sometimes I get really confident and feel I am doing really good only to find myself slipping, wondering with awe how I found myself back here again. I really appreciate reading things like this blog because it is a good dose of reality & I cannot deny that I am living the reality of what was described in your blog above. Many times I would like to pin the symptoms of my anorexia on other mystery illnesses (the kind that are NOT deadly, of course!) How far can I let it go with so many precious lives depending on me? How many hearts will I break if I do not beat this illness? I have always had a ton of willpower. People always tell me I am mature & wise for my age. If only they knew about Ana. I am well loved, educated, respected, honored, cherished, & making a difference in the world. I have more reasons to live for than I could count. I have no desire to harm myself or to lose my life. I wish my willpower could stop my ED from telling me that it will be ok to skip just this one meal. Just today.
Thank you for making it a little easier for me to be strong today - for my husband, friends, family, animals, for my children and their future, and for anyone that may look to me tomorrow for advice or direction.
-Beautifully Me
(((Peggy Sue)))
Thank you so much for taking the time to share what you're going through. My heart aches for you.
I hope you are able to get help. Fighting this alone is so difficult.
Sending positive, healing thoughts your way...
Hugs,
Medusa
you made me cry.
these words are so strong and unfortunately true.
Hello ! I'm 18,I'm not anorexic and I hope I'll never become one.However,when I am very stressed about something,I simply forget to eat.I don't feel that hunger sensation so the thought of actually eating anything never occurs to me.Unfortunately,when I get very angry or upset I simply start eating without being able to stop. Now I have some exams coming up soon,and I am very scared and I constantly feel the need to eat or at least chew something.Am I going bulimic ? Can someone give me some piece of advice here ? Ever since I was little, I always weight more than I should. So as you can see,I'm not very thin but also not obesse ( although I used to be when I was small).Anyway,before reading your article,I was planing to starve myself for a couple of weeks to lose maybe 4 or 5 kilos,but after reading this and giving a second thought,I kinda dropped the idea.I already tried a couple of times doing that,and after a half of day of not eating I usually give up saying something like "WTF,nothing is worth for the huge pain in my stomac",and then I eat the first thing I see in the fridge.Anyway,keep up the good work and give me a bit of help in here !
I am interested in knowing who wrote this and more importantly, was the person who wrote this anorexic? This to me is the most valuable question.. I read comments from people who suffer from anorexia, yes, and they generally agreed with everything that was said.. But, was or is the writer anorexic? Please answer me this. Thanks.
I am interested in knowing who wrote this and more importantly, was the person who wrote this anorexic? This to me is the most valuable question.. I read comments from people who suffer from anorexia, yes, and they generally agreed with everything that was said.. But, was or is the writer anorexic? Please answer me this. Thanks.
I can't give you the name of the author but she is/was anorexic.
That's true !
I'm not anorexic, I am and I feel skinny all the time, it's something genetic .
I can beat that but i'll have to get through some really really ugly processes .
I'm even a boy :) 1.79 , 58 kg's and that line "you can't leave the house now without hiding under tons of clothes.." well, damn ..i did that a couple of times.
I'm not anorexic, I'm just skinny, that's my metabolism and TRUST ME , THIS IS NOT COOL AT ALL.
My doctor said " at 21, you are not so skinny, if u put 4-5 kg's more then u'll be fine" ..
I tried and it's pretty difficult ..
Girls, when you have eating disorders YOUR WORLD WILL TOTALLY CHANCE before u realise ..
Also the "insomnia" thing, is very true ..
Anyway, I guess i can't be anorexic because i always wanted to put some weight on me :) ..it's just hard because of my metabolism.
let me die.
(((sickfrompain)))
I don't do this to be beautiful or thin. I do this because I can't cope.
I feel naked. Maybe if there is less of me...I mean, I just want to shrink away. Controlling food gives me some, any control...I have nothing else.
Before I was a heroin addict, when I was alcoholic and a speed addict, I was also self hamring. I broke my arms, legs, skull ...anything to *not* hurt so much, ironically.
Now I have no one, nowhere to turn...a past full of abuse, fear, abandonement, heroin, drink, homelessness...and I've such little money that not eating makes it easier to pay the bills.
I can't even afford furniture.
I couldn't care less about size 0 and being beautiful. I can't afford the clothes or nights out to show off my bones even if i did find them attractive. I just want to make it through each day and without drink, heroin, si, sex, friends or family this gets me through each day...even if it is killing me.
I don't know why I am alive anyway.
wow. thanks for helping me see the truth about anorexia.
My heart goes out to the thouands of people who feel they need to look like this. Even the thought of the pain (physically and mentally) that these illnesses cause people, breaks my heart and i cannot imagin what it does to those who suffer these incredably ruthless and horrible diseases.
I think that peer-pressure and mass media that being a size '0' gets these days is sick. These people need as much help as those affected by these illnesses. They erge people to loose masses of weight, and become a skelital shadows of the people they were. We were all put on this earth, for one reason or another, and to live life to the full is the best we can do… we only get one life, and to waste it is an absolute tragedy.
The other illnesses like depression comes hand-in-hand with things like bolimia and anorexia doesnt just affect the people with the eating disorders, it only starts with them. From them it transfers in a downward spiral to all the other people that they know and love, in one way or another, everyone is effected.
Three months ago, i buried my best friend, she had anorexia, which started as bolimia. She’s ‘the one who got away’, and since she became terminal, i have raised some funds to try an help those in simular situations, but every person i meet, that i carefully shake the frail hands with, reminds me of her, and it still horrifies me to know that i cant help everyone.
My heart goes out to those who suffer or know someone who suffers these hellish diseases. I am truely sorry, and i hope that from the great work the author and Medusa have done, more people will see that this is not a choice, this is not the right road to go down, and that people can and do pull out of these illnesses but with great consiquences. For the sake of your life, dont try to be as sickly thin as this.
Much love, light and prayer,
X
wow, dude, I almost cried,
I know this was posted a long time ago but I just read it. I stumbled across it while google-ing "anorexia" to torture myself with images of unhealthily thin girls that my sick mind tells me I need to look like.
I have struggled with anorexia for 4 years, I am 19, and unhealthy body image and eating habits since I was about 7. At this point, I am at a healthy weight, actually weighing more than necessary. at one point, I was very severely underweight (it is quite unneccesary to post what that weight was) and ever since I gained the weight back, especially the extra few pounds that I don't really need, I have looked at myself with complete disgust in all aspects of my life, and, lately, have been on the path of starving myself again. I believe that my higher power (I'm in AA, not religious) brought me to this article. I can't honestly say I'm getting back on track after reading this, eating disorders really do take over everything and it is the hardest thing in the world to recover. but it definitely re-opened my eyes and reminded me of the pain that my eating disorder causes me (which I am experiencing the emotional part right now and some of the physical symptoms but not all the ones I had when I was at my worst.) thank you for this.
Medusa,
This post was a Godsend, literally. I'm currently taking a class in college based around body image and the way media presents it. It's a female-only class and has really opened my eyes. My parents have never been supportive of me or the fact that I'm 'overweight.' I'm adopted, so I'm honestly just never going to look like them, but they can't seem to understand that. EVERYTHING I talk about with them comes back to my weight. "You shouldn't eat that." or "Why don't you exercise more?" or "You look fat." etc. Even when I was a size 12 back in high school, which is the average size for a woman in America, they STILL called me fat. I've gained some weight since then, mostly because of going to college and the depression medications the doctors had prescribed me that I have since gotten off. I'm now anywhere from a size 18-24, depending on the clothes. I never really felt good about myself or my body, and somehow the idea of having an ED was attractive to me, because it seemed like an easy out. This is why these disorders seem attractive. Eating healthier and exercising is too much work. Nowadays everything is instant gratification. But with the help of my teacher, and your powerful website, I'm beginning to have the twinkle of pure reason and knowledge that will kill the 'pro-ana' thoughts I had had. I'm really glad that even though society doesn't care about women and their health, that there are people in this world, like you, who do. Thank you for saving me.
Sincerely,
Kyrii
Laura, thanks so much for commenting. Wishing you every success in recovering...
Hugs,
Medusa
(((Kyrii)))
Thanks so much for sharing, and for your very kind comments.
Remember, curves are beautiful.
Medusa
xoxo
Hey,
Thankyou so much for posting this....I have a friend who is in hospital with anorexia. This has given me so much perspective which i didnt have before. Scary thing is....i am really empathic and i when im around my friend i can almost feel what she's feeling, its total alone-ness. Darkness with no end. Where you want to curl up in a ball and disappear, hide and never let anyone see you again because you think your so hideous.Thankyou for giving me perspective. It also explains a lot of the things that have hapened to my friend that i couldnt explain earlier...Thankyou so much Medusa.
Anonymous, you're so welcome.
I know your friend will appreciate any help you can give her...even just being there with her, and listening.
Hugs,
Medusa
hello..
I recently found out that a good friend of mine is suffering from anorexia,so much that she is now leaving school to find help.
I was so shocked as I couldn't imagine that a simple diet can take your life away.I am 16 years old and I've been trying for years to lose weight,most of the time by starving myself for a couple of months,being obsessed with calories and not going out to avoid food but at a point I'd give up and eat normally.
I actually found myself really weak,like I was failing in what i wanted to do.But now,after seeing what happened to my friend and by reading this EXCELLENT-WRITTEN article I know for sure that I will never starve myself again.
Thank you so much for posting this,it really helped!
Maria.
Maria, thanks so much for commenting. I'm sorry to hear about your friend. I hope she recovers.
Starving yourself is very dangerous and can not only cause damage to your organs, including your heart, but also lead to an eating disorder.
All the best,
Medusa
S
I thought this was very good to read, and hopefully shows that all them girls who want to be stupidly skinny, that this could happen.
I thought it was a very good thing read, and the amount of sarcasm was very funny,
I was even thinking about loosing a bit of weight before i saw this, but now i don't think i will, i don't really want to end up like that, i'll just stick to how i am!
absolutely honestly and beautifully said. i admire you greatly for everything and hope the eyes that really need to see this get to see it. The whole trend of 'thinspo' and treating anorexia and bullimia as goddesses 'ana' and 'mia' is completely ridiculous and tragic =(
xx
charles
Charles, many thanks for commenting.
I can't take credit for those powerful words. They were posted in an ana forum, without attribution.
Medusa
xoxo
These pictures are shocking me everytime I see them .. I wished there would be no girls who want to solve their problems with anorexia ..
Thank you, Medusa.
I really wish I could have read this article a few years ago before I got an Eating Disorder. I remember dreaming about loosing a ton of weight at whatever cost and I think I was too out of it to understand clearly what I was doing. Anorexia took everything away from me: school, future, a 6-year relationship, life, friends. Every day I try not to collapse and trying to gain the weight that just wont come on. People who want to become anorexic are out of their minds! Might as well put a bullet through everything you love and make the painful process faster.
Doesn't really make sense to be honest.
Isn't anorexia a mental problem? If it wasn't, then people wouldn't fail on diets. Most people fail miserably on diets so simply wanting to be thin doesn't give you an ED.
Also it doesn't make sense about "you won't get thin" because clearly you will if you starve yourself, otherwise there would be no thin anorexics. Sorry to rain on the parade but it just doesn't make too much sense and I think in some ways diminishes the serverity of anorexia by suggesting it is a choice, as the PRO ANA sites do.
I do however don't really see anything wrong with warning people, but it is slightly illogical or even contradictive imo.
I am not sure how I feel about this or how to put it into words but maybe it will give someone something to think about and if you can repond so that it makes more sense to me or people who think like this, then all the better. I cannot help but wonder.
I started putting on weight at an early age, reaching 185lbs at age 16, at a height of only 5'. I went to a quack doctor, who put me on strong appetite suppressants and metabolic boosters which were little more than speed. I lost 60lbs in less than 3 months. Pleased with the results, this sparked my half-decade struggle with diets (more often than not a teeter-totter between starving and overeating out of self-loathing), pills, pulling at my skin in the mirror, and seeking quick and unhealthy fixes for what I perceived made me less of a person.
All I ever wanted was to see myself cutting bone just once. I was swept away by social expectations and a surreal notion that I wasn't allowed to think I was any kind of beautiful for as long as those extra pounds were there.
It wasn't until I thought I was having a heart attack--sharp pains, uncontrollable heart rate that I could feel up in my throat, difficulty breathing--after taking a double dose of the pills that I decided to take a step back and look at what I was doing to myself. I stopped taking supplements, stopped starving and binin, and within a few months I had gained every pound back.
And I couldn't be happier. Not that I am back to being overweight, but that I gave myself the chance before it went too far. A chance to go back and lose weight and be healthy in a way that wasn't destructive to my body.
My heart goes out to all the girls who have -any- sort of eating disorder. Realizing that you are worth more than that is the hardest part.
Im 14 and i know it may sound stupid but i really want to be anorexic (but not skin and bone and i want to look pale i think its pretty), i thought that if i just starved myself for just a little while untill im a little bit skinnier i would go back to normal eating, but apparently you gain all the weight back and some more. i did just drink water for a whole day but when i came home and my mum gave me dinner, i had to eat it! i couldnt waste her cooking and throw it away. and the next day i ate a slice of pizza at school, i felt so guilty about eating it so i went into the toilets and retched it back up. but reading this makes me think whether its worth going through starving just to get skinnier, im not fat, im just not skinny enough for me, my friends tell me im skinny, but i dont think i am as they say. thanks for this, its made me realise its not as easy and there is a lot more to it than just not eating...i dont want to loose my hair lol and if people say im skinny...i should belive them! thanks x
so I'm doing a project about anorexia in college and I know a lot about it because two of my closest life-long friends have had to deal with it and really, you give the reality. the real truth and consequence of what it's like. to all the girls that want to lose weight: healthy diet and exercise can go quite a long way. starving yourself (in the beginning) is the easy way out, and the WORST possible way to do it. To anyone who claims they want to be anorexic: you're seriously fucking NUTS. you want to be pale? stay inside. you want to lose weight? work at it. you really want to die because your heart fails? you want to die because your body can't sustain itself anymore and is literally eating you from the inside out? no.
my friend has an eating disorder and im MAKING her read this!! i also think that more people should take into account that overeating disorders are mental problems too and are often related to trauma, people need a healthy mind to have a healthy body.
I did once go very thin I decided that I looked better ... i manged to stop before it got very bad
My sister did the same although she is still very thin i put on the weight.
I am now very unhappy with the way i look now and always consider going back to the thin me, my fiance says that he loves me the way i am, i belive him but when i showed him a picture of the other me he said that he liked me more like that....
I exercise regularly and eat relitivly well but it doesnt really make me fell any better
I hope that i dont go back to the old me but i always feel that i will relapse and go back to it. this blog is great for people who have wanted to loose weight or do loose weight
i hope that people who read this will never do it to themselves
it still doesnt help my "illness" but after 3 years of eating and binging and hating every minute of it im not dead so.. i supose its a better
i wont go back to the old me just for my lovely fiance...maybe lose a little bit
my heart goes out to all the sufferers and loved ones of those affected. I went through a difficult time between the ages of about 13-15 when someone close to me died and also going through puberty and being bullied at school. It started with my decision to go vegetarian and decided i wanted to loose some weight and began starving myself. I could only do it for a day or two at a time.. i'd manage to not eat for a whole morning or whole day and other days i would just live off fruit and veg and i'd do exercise if i did eat. i also used to have huge binges which would just make me feel really guilty. i wasnt loosing a huge amount of weight because i binged as well, i even tried to make myself sick a couple of times but i couldnt do it. eventually i realised i was damaging my health and i needed to sort myself out and managed to stop myself before it got out of hand. im 19 now and i generally eat really healthily, i occasionally have a little binge, mainly if im feeling a bit tired but i think everyone does sometimes and it's nothing to feel guilty about as long as you eat healthily most of the time!
I'm now a healthy weight, if not just a few pounds overweight but I am happy with the way I am. I have healthy shiny hair, nails and skin and love my curves and boobs. I sometimes think it would be nice to loose a few pounds but the only safe and healthy way to do it would be to do more exercise but i'm a bit too lazy for that, 40minutes walking a day is enough for me :)
my advice to anyone who is thinking about being anorexic or bulimic is to stop and think. these are proper illnesses of which a main factor is depression. the best thing is to learn to love yourself as you are and be happy. there is a lot more to live than how much you weigh! now go and put some cheesy music on and have a little dance and a smile to remind yourself how beautiful you really are :) xxxxx
Anonymous, thanks so much for your wonderful comments. I'm so glad you're back at a healthy weight.
Gotta run...I'm off to put on some cheesy music and have a little dance :^)
~ Medusa
xoxo
I was fishing through the internet looking for diet tips and came across 'pro ana' and was intrigued ... I've flirted with anorexia and bulimia for years, and was thinking that maybe its the cry for help i need ... self harming hasnt worked ... I've always wanted to be skinny, but my lifestyle doesnt allow much time for lots of excercise so thought itd be easier for me not to eat ... work can be my excercise ... was thinking maybe it was the way to kill myself that i was after ... but after reading this i'm not so sure anymore ... thankyou.
I have anorexia. and if you were more spot on id keel over.
you clearly ARE one? + i dont see fat no one at rhodes does. we just see imperfections that we fix.
No, hon, I'm not anorexic. Those words were written by someone on an ana forum. She clearly has/had suffered from anorexia.
Rhodes Farm is a wonderful place. Wishing you every success in your recovery..
~ Medusa
xoxo
I recently confirmed that my older sister has battled with anorexia and bulimia throughout her whole life, and it hurts to know that she has been suffering in silence all these years. This blog really opened my eyes to what she is going through and I am more motivated now to help her through it. Thank you.
What hurts the most.... is not being able to stop. No matter how much you know of what you do to yourself, the precontemplation stage is so hard to get out of.
People don`t understand us.
Asking for help is like jumping off a cliff and knitting a parachute on the way down.
(((rzambo)))
That is so powerful...
I am doing public speaking at my school, and i am doing my speech on anorexic models. I am so close to just making that my speech instead.
I know an anorexic girl at my school. She was so pretty, and she has just gone to a clinic to help her. i haven't seen her for about a month now, and i hope that people won't call her fat, if they do i'll stand up for her even though i don't know her that well
i myself have gone thru treatment for anorexia...and youre not kidding. beating anorexia was harder than beating my addiction to heroine.
please, if you think a friend or family member is anorexic or bulemic, SPEAK UP! im SO glad my boyfriend did...if it wasnt for his love for me, i would be dead.
you know, you all need to be a little nicer. some people can not help it. you cant control your thoughts when you are "sick" with anorexia. ya know!? well i do. i battled it for a year and finally over came it. i didnt know i was doing anything wrong. i didnt see what it was doing to me. i didnt want to become the way i did. i couldnt help what my MIND was telling me. STOP putting these girls down and help them, STOP making them feel like they are "worthless pieces of crap". thats not the way to handle it. i know, people done that to me and it made it all worse. i almost died. if people would have just left me alone, i would have gotten better faster. so stop, your killing them more!
kay!?. thanks (:
This post and the comments that follow are incredibly moving, as a student of an all girls school, the school felt it was important for us all to fully research the illness, and not once have i read something that shows the true horrors that this has. Though there are many people who want to be anorexic, i am certain that after taking the time to read this, they will no longer wish for such a thing, however inevitably there are many that cannot be helped or stopped. i just hope that they soon find the help they need trough other means.
However for the girls that you have helped by spreading this story, i sincerly thank you from the bottom of my heart.
hi. don't know if you remember me, i was commenting here april last year. that's almost a YEAR ago. this shit is freakin incurable and unbearable :/ for that year (and before, i'm unable to tell for sure for how long this continues) i have tried to eat normally and healthly, but i'm still unable. sometimes i think i've eaten so much it could be enough for a week then someone asks me why i've eaten o little :( now i find myself vomiting again, after almost a year of being almost "healthly". my weight is lower than ever, but in the mirror i see something different, i see i'm getting fat because of eating so much and the spring and summer is comming and i think maybe i could just loose some weight before that, to look pretty in summer clothes, maybe just not to eat for a few days. but i have to eat now, i can't controll it as i could before, so i'm eating and eventually vomiting. not too much, but i feel my stomach hurt sometimes and i'm terribly scarred it hurts because of this. i'm sick, i'm long time depressed, i'm bpd, and i'm terribly tired. sometimes i'm tired just with walking, moving, waking up, breathing. i hope spring and summer will make me feel better, because lat year it did. i have a few pleasures that makes me forget about how mentally sick i am, just to feel healthly. i wish everyone here and every one to be healthly, because if you once become sick for that, you will NEVER, ever be healthly again. reading everyones comments made me literally cry. i wish everyone could read that article BEFORE they get sick.
This is A Real Eye Opener But I'm Afraid To Eat, I hate It. I weigh About 170, It Sucks.
I am Now Excersizing And Drinking Water And Trying not To Eat As Much,
I wanted to Be Anorexic but I Dont Have The guts,
And It Is really Pressuring because I am Only 13, I want to Be Skinny
This was honestly anamazing read. I had no idea how bad anorexia was. I was on the verge of falling into this trap. But i have a three year old son who i want to see growing up and i want to be a good healthy example for him. I do need help though i unfortunatly was not alone on this battle, my best friend i fear is full blown anorexic (if that makes sense...i do not mean to put down anyone). I am so scared and i don't know what to do. I don't know who to tell, i fear she will hate me for 'telling' on her when we would discuss it for hours in confidence...please i don't know who else to turn to what can i do for her?
I have a great solution for all these girls who constantly compare themselves with others. Well you see this is why the Middle East with all of the problems it has lacks these kinds of problems. Because girls don't see other girl's bodies, they rarely compare themselves or get into these things. I'm from Iran where people just exercise for health and the girls mostly just care about their faces. I've NEVER seen anybody care about rolls or etc until everyone got European satellites and the disease of body obsession started spreading. Up to that time we were all just happy being a woman walking the streets with modest clothing not competing with others, not caring much about fashion madness and etc.
I remember I became bulimic and went nuts on the low carb diet for years when I came to the U.S. until i decided to wear my covering again. I've never been happier. I only exercise for health and eat anything I want in small portions and try to avoid bad foods in general. Other than that I'm DONE competing with the Western women in looks and body and fashion. It only leads to destruction. By wearing my covering, I have denounced such competitions all together. And when people see me, they only see my covering, not my fashion, my body figure or etc. I'm very happy and really do think that modesty is the answer to all this madness.
wow i can not praise you enough,this has really opended my eyes to it ,and it was the wake up call i needed as i was heading that way,afterr spending time reading this i really relised what it really could do to your life, so very well done you for sharing this
Very good blogg! This was very learnful! but i can't understand.. i don't know why some people do this to themselves.. it's disgusting and stupid!!!
http://sabinaass.blogspot.com
hi medusa.. i guess you know what i was already going to say. your writing was inspiring. but my case is a little bit different from what your talking about... im very overweight and i wish to become skinny. i know that saying that is totally against all that your trying to get throught to people. now that ive read your article ive definately thrown out throwing up as an option. but what can i do?? i know that you'd say "eat healthy, eat LESS and excercise. thats the trick." but i simply cant do it. im only 5'2 and i weight 180 pounds. im only 13 years old.i feel fat and i look a lot like it too. (and believe me its not all in my head) so all im asking for is some advice. haha and i guess this isnt the right place to ask for it. so please help me medusa, with your wonderful words of wisdom.
thanks.
Anonymous, please join We Bite Back (www.webiteback.com)
Many of my readers, who are struggling with weight issues, have received wonderful support and encouragement from the members there. Please share your concerns with them and they will give you the support you need.
Best wishes to you, Anonymous.
Medusa
I don't want this. I've known too many like this to think it ends anywhere good. But I've relapsed four times already. I'm not strong enough to avoid it.
Wow, i read this everyday to help me get through. I cried when i read it for the first time.
I was in hospital for 4 months at the beginning of the year because of ana and mia.
This is the complete truth and just fully describes everything im going through or have been through. xxx
I want you to know I changed my mind.
Thank you for my life.
This has changed my mind for ever more. Thank you so much.
I thought it was really powerful, myself I'm diagnosed with bulimia and when my friends tell me they want it I die a bit inside. But its still the need of losing just ONE more pound. A really powerful text.
Medusa, I cannot thank you enough for posting this. I am not anorexic, but I have been considering it for a while now and I was just about to commit, but then I stumbled upon this website. Now I realize all the harm I could have caused not only to me, but to everyone around me. I don't wish to hurt anyone and I no longer wish to be anorexic. This has really touched me deep and I realize now that anorexia does not bring you beauty or acceptance. It simply destroys you. Thank you for saving my life.
(((Jackie)))
Thanks so much for your lovely comments. They mean a lot to me. I'm so glad you have re-considered. Anorexia is deadly.
Hugs,
Medusa
Such a powerful post that has truly helped me to try and understand. My niece has anorexia and bulimia and I desperately want to help her. I hope that through the brutal honesty of this post, some young girls or women won't start on this path.
I have suffered from anorexia for two years after which i recovered. I think it is importante for you tomention that recovery is not impossible. It is extremely hard and painful but it is possible. Do not quit. You can be normal again
i flip-flopped between anorexia and bulimia from age 11 to age 28. i suffered all of the things mentioned in the article above, my hair feel out, i threw up blood, i thought i was obese at 5'11 and 115 lbs. it was when i started having seizures that something shifted in me. i finally realized i had no control over this thing at all. it is ten years later and after a lot of intentional work i can honestly say i am recovered. my sister 3 years younger still struggles with it. she is in her 30s and has to have hip replacement surgery due to bone loss and the long-term impact of obsessive exercise on her leg and hip bones (fractured). she is terrified. i send love and blessings to all of you who are scared, struggling, in recovery, recovered. there is nothing like this disease. it is insidious and changes you forever. if you can make the choice to recover it won't be easy, but it won't be as hard as you think either--let's just say my worst day on the path to recovery is a thousand times better than lying in bed weak and numb with clumps of hair in my hand, but my mind racing and barating me telling me i should get up and go running because i'm such a loser and a fat ass. i guarantee that the moment you make the choice tons of other people will come forward to support you on your journey.
I've battled an Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified [mine resembled anorexia but I didn't meet the strict criteria for anorexia nervosa] for at least half of my life (I'm just turned 24). I've been very lucky in that I haven't come across any severe physical repercussions of this yet. The mental problems are still there though. I scared people at one point I was so thin, there's one picture that even I think I looked sick in. But then there's pictures from a time when others saw "too thin" and I saw "almost perfect" I battle every day against those thoughts that say "you need to be that size again at any means necessary."
Thank you for giving such an honest description of the dangers. I really and truly hope that this post is able to either stop someone from going down that path or at least encourage someone already on the road to get help (and to keep insisting until they get the help they truly need).
Only after hearing of the death of Isabelle Caro earlier this morning and subsequently finding this site and reading many of these posts have I realized how little I understood the destructive nature of anorexia and bulimia. The post by the person who finds anorexia a "refuge" from heroin addition, sex, family, friends, and dire poverty brought tears to my eyes. My heart goes out to those who have posted their incrediblely personal, painful, and poignant stories here, and to the many of thousands of other who have become trapped by these ravaging disorders... I wish you all well, because I believe that all of you are Truely Beautiful -- as one posters "guardian angel" told her -- but have become ensnarled by what was initially a desire to find some form of physical perfection or control. I also want to believe there's a universal truth in what another poster wrote, that regardless of how difficult and painful the efforts and days working toward recovery are... they're far better than the isolation and dread of not making that effort and slipping further into anoexia. Bless you all...
I really hope some of the people who have considered anorexia/bulimia read this....
I (in the past) have considered doing the same thing... but you should know... Just like the article says you AREN'T in control... you are the opposite.
If you REALLY want to be beautify... If you REALLY want to control your life anorexia is NOT the answer. You think the people in the pictures above are beautiful? No... they are gross. Beauty is not bones... beauty is muscles.
You want to be beautiful and in control then choose the salad instead of the burger or not eating at all. Choose to go running, choose life... but not just life... choose a beautiful life... a life where people DO envy you! People look at you with your beautiful shiny hair, your sparkling eyes, your beautiful smile. Because if you choose to eat healthily that is what you will look like.
Anorexia is the easy way out... because choosing to make those 1200 to 1600 calories you consume everyday the healthiest possible is TOUGH!!!! But it will be worth it.
If you want to become a mom someday you can... And your children will be healthy and beautiful and happy. And you will be a wonderful example to them. You will have a baby that will have glowing skin and will laugh and smile along with you! Because when you choose to be healthy over anorexic then you choose to exercise which releases endorphins which make you HAPPY!
You won't get horrible cramps because you choose to eat bananas and other fruits and veggies... You WONT be fat! PLEASE believe me! You WILL look amazing.
Your skin will glow, your eyes will sparkle, you will be happy which will draw people in, you will have friends who love you because you will be a blessing to be around. Your boyfriend/husband will be amazed that he is so lucky to have you.
Choosing the right foods and exercising as much as you like instead of skipping meals is harder a lot of time... but instead of paying for it and killing yourself you WILL be rewarded... You won't die young and alone... You will live to be old and still be able to do things you could never dream of... If you choose this lifestyle you can CLIMB MOUNTAINS!
Please read this and LISTEN! Look at some of the most beautiful people out there... they arent SUPER skinny... they have muscles! Beautiful, curvy, smooth muscles!
If this is about control then believe me this is the ULTIMATE control... How many people do you know who can actually choose healthy every time? I can't name one! If this is about loosing weight read that first paragraph in this article... being anorexic doesn't always make you skinny... It can make you even heavier! If this is about attention then believe me the healthy way will give you SO much attention...
i dont know if you'll get this. ive always been interested in anorexia and lately.. i feel as if im developing it. your post made me rethink it. being thin isnt the world. it will just take the world away from me. i know i desperately want to be thin. in a way i want the attention, but after reading this, im not going to be stupid and starve myself till i die. thank you. you have saved my life and i hope more than anything you get better.
I'm just a student working towards a clinical degree, but I have such great interest about what goes on in the minds of these girls. You have put it into perspective for me, this is such a powerful description. I am inspired by the way that you write and the knowledge that you have. Thank you for posting this.
Thankyou
Oh, if only I'd read this sooner. Every word of this is true; I stopped eating a year ago... I developed anorexia. Why? Because i wanted to 'be like the other girls'; they wore bikinis at swimming, and i thought i was too fat to show my stomach. I stayed up late exercising and got up early to make and tip out my breakfast so no one would know. My mum told me I had visibly lost weight - but i didn't see it. When it started, i thought to myself that I'd stop, but you're right; you CAN'T stop and every mouthful you swallow makes tears fall.
All my clothes hung like a sheet because they were too big.
My mum wondered why every time i stood up, i stumbled; she thought I had low blood pressure but she didn't know it had anything to do with skipping meals.
I used to make myself throw up in the shower so no one would hear, so no one would know.
But what was worse, i wouldn't even drink water - it 'tasted funny', so I never ate or drank anything unless I couldn't lie my way out of it.
And even now, after treatment, I struggle. The dream NEVER dies, and even after all the suffering, even after regaining a healthy body weight, and even after nearly dying, i still want it.
I'm watched twenty four seven so they know if I'm skipping meals or purging. I have weekly appointments with both a psychologist and psychiatrist, and I have no friends - they all hate me, when I'd started in the first place so they'd like me, so I could look like them.
It didn't work.
I beg anyone who wants to be thin, RETHINK IT. Did you know that in history, it was atractive to be over-weight? It was attractive to weigh 160 lbs?
Thinness is just the current fashion statement; but it shouldn't be.
Its true you will never see it... I think a bmi of 10 warrents anorexia, but i never ever saw someone thin, when i look backi never saw me any different then i am now whcih is over double that weight. It is an illness, it angers me when people think this hell will be nice, its destroyed so much of my life, my bones are fucked and are the equiilant of a 65 year olds. I wish ided never had an eating disorder, its easy to go into and so very hard to get back
this sounds a lot like the book i read "Wintergirls" by Laurie Halse Anderson. this book focused more on the mental anguish, but a lot on the physical, as well. its horrifying and i hope no one ever has to stoop to this level to get to their vision of "beautiful"
this is so sad :(
i'm anorexic and i'm struggling for getting better
thanks, it helped a lot :')
this made me cry. legit, made me cry. i can't say that i don't want skinny anymore, i can't say i won't slip up, but i can say i'll go a different route into a healthy slender.
i struggled with eating issues, never a full blown disorder, but more of a EDNOS. i lost weight, quickly too. 30 pounds in a summer. and then i started seriously training parkour and couldnt move properly. i didnt have the strength or the energy to keep going, my now ex boyfriend was scared of me, i couldnt do anything right. my doctor said she never heard of anyone who convinced themselves to drop the habits but i did. my self worth is based on what i can do, the grades i get, the moves i can pull off, and my weight. but the weight related issues were controlling everything in my life and it never made me feel good because i HAD TO LOSE MORE.
i was lucky. i lost enough so that my BMI was on the edge (17%) but not enough that i would have forever damaging results. i chose healthy and maintained a healthy weight overall. just a week ago, i landed a layout backflip and a backhandspring on the trampoline. i beat my coach in conditioning exercises. i am powerful and i am not skinny.
since that summer, i have definitely had recurring restricting phases but nothing serious. im working on it and i might be winning. dont let Ana take you over.
im 13 years, even though i weigh 100 pounds, all i see is fat. i started to stop eating about two months ago and my stomach grumbling started to feel good. I now cant taste any food. it just has no flavor. i started getting these horrible headaches that advil doesnt help. my peiods are only two days.
i figured i want gonna stop until i lost 20 pounds but after reading this i got a wake up call. i never know by not eating enough calories meant your body fed on organs.
Anyway i figured my mom would notice me not eating but since she didnt i didnt think it was that big of a deal. i was terribly wrong. after i googled anorexic people i came across your blog. i was mind blown at the pictures and effects anorexia has that i never know about.
I would just like to say that when i read your blog i stopped midway and made myself a big bowl of food. im so glad i came across your site otherwise who knows howd id end up. you have possibly saved my life and no doubt hundreds of other.
I sincerely thank you with all my heart.
Anonymous, it did my heart good to know that my post made you realize how deadly starving yourself can be.
Thanks so much for your sweet words. They mean a lot to me.
Take care...and no more starving, OK? Eat healthy and enjoy.
~ Medusa
xoxoxoxo
I'm not stupid - it's weird, I know all of this, I know all the dangers, but I can't control myself. I'm even seeking help, but at the same time, I'm scared that getting well equals getting fat. I didn't choose to want to be ill, and I don't want to be like this. I only hope I'll get through it.
im crying now, this was really heart renching to read as i am in the trap! i dont know why girls would want this, i want out! its not fun at all.
all the crap that comes with anorexia is so not worth it.
i cant even keep a regular body tempurature i contantly feel cold.
i hope girls who read this take it to heart and realise its fully not worth it. :(
you just have to remind yourself girls and guys, you ARE beautiful no matter what size you are! dont fall into the trap like i have because its been 3yrs now and i still cant get out.
This saved my life. That's all. I'm eating today. Thank you.
Thank the lord for this post.
I am FINALLY recovered from my ED... it took me 4-years to fully recover, with no slip-ups. But I did it. Now that I'm recovered, I want to help people see what it's truly like to have an ED. It's not fun.
Anyways, today I've been trying to describe to a group of young people WHY this is not the right path to take. At the end, when you wrote about Depression, School, Falling Grades &Concentration, not being able to go out with friends, (etc.)
You were ABSOLUTELY CORRECT... with all of it.
I'm just glad you typed it all up, because I've tried, but there are endless things to say about it all. So thank you, again. I'm about to share this link, to this entry to many many people, in hopes and prayers that at least one of them will listen.
It was a really beautifully written post. Somehow though, through all of your irony I still just read the words. I hear what you're saying but I'm still going to refuse to listen. I know ED's are "bad", but I can't live like this anymore, I cannot be the fat sister anymore. I won't. But for a moment there, a short pause, I reconsidered.
This has been my life for the last 12 years--every last word. I'm 27 years old, at an acceptable weight now. It wasn't voluntary, or for my health. It was because I couldn't do it anymore. I'm not happy about it. I still panic if I eat too much. I can't eat in front on anyone but my fiance or family. If I could have a BMI of 14 again, I would. But not at this price. Every word of this article rang true for me. I catch a glimpse of myself in a store window, and suddenly, I'm 3 times the size of all the other pedestrians reflected there. I hurry home, head down, unable to make eye contact, because I'm a monster. I hate myself, more than anything in the world, but not so much as to be able to send myself into that tortured, half-alive, pit of Hell again. I still remember dying. I almost did at least. They gave me one week. I couldn't even walk up a flight of stairs or raise my arms to wash what hair I had left. I couldn't run--I collapsed. I couldn't sleep or sit anywhere without bruising. I hadn't eaten in 4 months. I've never felt so much physical pain. It was nothing compared to being in my head. I'm still living with the damage I did to my body. My EKGs are always abnormal. My bone density is low. My teeth are rotten. The self-inflicted scars on every limb of my body will go to the grave with me. I'm still living with the damage in my mind that made me this way. I hate being me still, but I can't do this again. Those who glorify this and wish it upon themselves might as well take a knife and start slicing away at the flesh--quicker results, less duration of suffering.
This such a beautiful story.
this made me want to cry... I was thinking of doing the ABC diet, also known as Ana Boot Camp. I was thinking exactly that, "oh I won't become anorexic. I'll just go through the diet and stop."
After reading this though, I'm not anymore. You just practically saved me. <3
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